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Chapter 1: This Guy Are Hurt

*A few weeks after the events at the Gold Saucer*
*The Villa Cloud*
Aeris: So, you don't remember anything at all, yet, Cloud?
Cloud: ...no, I don't think so.
Tifa: Dr. Citan says you should be getting your memory back soon. Just don't push it.
Cloud: Whatever.
Barret: See, he already be actin' like the old spikey-headed foo' Cloud!
*In the back yard*
Vegeta: Your power level is weak!
T.G. Cid: Bring it on!
Vegeta: *powers up and hits Orlandu with a chi blast* Suck this down!
T.G. Cid: Oh, yeah! Heaven's wish to destroy all minds! HOLY EXPLOSION! *hits Vegeta with Holy Explosion*
Vegeta: OH YES!!!
T.G. Cid: *huff, puff* I'm exhausted.
Vegeta: Hmph. Weakling.
Sephiroth: Bravo. And exactly why are you abusing each other?
Vegeta: I'm raising my power level. You people here are too lazy.
T.G. Cid: I get a kick out of it.
Vegeta: Hmph.
Red XIII: Do any of you think Altima will plan any more dastardly schemes?
T.G. Cid: Probably.
Sephiroth: Most likely.
Red XIII: Then shouldn't we do something about it?
T.G. Cid: Why? He sucks.
Vegeta: Hmph. This bores me. Will someone please get that Door Ex Machina fixed so I can go home?
Sephiroth: Shinra is rebuilding the Gold Saucer.
Vegeta: Well, they should hurry the hell up.
*At Riovanes*
Altima: *sigh* I need a new plan.
Rafa: You got that right.
Malak: Because that last one pretty much sucked.
Altima: SILENCE!
Edward: I'm getting sick and tired of this! Nothing here is helping me with my ultimate goal!
Gogo: Which is?
Edward: How many times do I have to tell you... I want to revive my nemesis, Tellah.
Dan: If he's your nemesis, why do you want to revive him?
Edward: To get revenge on him for calling me spoony! He must die!
Kimberly: But he's already dead!
Edward: Don't you people listen? That's why I want to revive him!
Malak: Okay, this joke is getting a little old.
Edward: Foo. I quit. Is anyone coming with me.
Gogo: Hmmm... *looks at Altima, then at Edward* Okay, I will... *leaves*
Edward: Very well. I'll see you losers on the flip side. *leaves*
Altima: I just lost two of my best men.
Malak: Them? They sucked!
Altima: Yeah... I know. I'm depressed. I'd kill myself if I weren't an angel.
Elidibs: Yo, boss!
Altima: What?
Elidibs: The other braves and I have something to discuss with you.
Altima: What is it? I can't pay you anymore.
Elidibs: It really doesn't matter. We want out. I quit.
Dycedarg: Me too.
Draclau: Me three. You guys just suck.
Elmdor: I'm leaving too. Later. *leaves with Draclau, Elidibs, and Dycedarg*
Vormav: ...
Altima: Aren't you leaving?
Vormav: Nah. I don't want to go back to McDonald's.
Rofel: Screw you. I am. *leaves*
Kletian: Back to street poker for me.
Altima: You didn't even do anything!
Kletian: And I never will. Man, I should have joined Ramza. Curse you, Vormav! *leaves*
Malak: Dude, you just seriously lost most of your army.
Altima: I know. *sigh* I suck.
Dan: Who's left?
Altima: Let's see... roll call: Rafa, Malak, Dan, Umaro, Kimberly, Agahnim, and Krase... that's all.
Agahnim: So who's second-in-command now?
Dan: Ooh, me! I'm in charge! La la la!
Malak: Shut up! My sister and I are the most obviously suited to be the new seconds-in-command.
Kimberly: Never! It should be me! MEEE!!!
Umaro: Guh!!!
Altima: Why don't you guys think it over. I'm going to lie down. *leaves*
Dan: I guess he's right. Let's just see who can come up with the coolest scheme, and the best will win.
Malak: Sounds good to me... bwa ha ha ha ha!!!
Agahnim: Cool.
Kimberly: Okay... heh heh heh.
Dan: Very well... I'll see you all later. *leaves, and everyone else leaves as well*
Rafa: Brother, do you have a plan?
Malak: Yes!
Rafa: Which is?
Malak: I will build a weapon which will turn gold into lead, thereby destroying the economy all over the universe. And in the chaos, Altima will take over! And we'll be second-in-command! Bwa ha ha ha ha!!!
Rafa: That's bloody brilliant!
Malak: I've been saving it for some time now.
*Elsewhere in Riovanes*
Agahnim: I've got it! I will build a super powerful mech that is insanely cute, and therefore invulnerable to attack! I will win the bosses favor!
*Elsewhere in Riovanes, still*
Kimberly: Umaro, help me.
Umaro: Gew.
Kimberly: My plan is this... we let steal back Worker 8, and therefore recruit someone else under the bosses command! Dear God, I'm brilliant!
Umaro: Ung'uhhh!
*Elsewhere still*
Dan: Damn... I need a plan.

Chapter 2: Morph the Emerald Weapon

*At Damcyan Castle*
Gogo: Where the crap is this?
Edward: Our new base! My home... Damcyan Castle!
Gogo: It's a wreck.
Edward: It was bombed. Anyway... how do we revive Tellah...?
Gogo: Phoenix Down?
Edward: That won't work. This was a plot death.
Gogo: How did they revive Aeris?
Edward: Clones. But we don't have any clones.
Gogo: Hm... what about Gremio?
Edward: Stars of Destiny. We don't have any of those either.
Gogo: Damn... I guess we could morph the Emerald Weapon.
Edward: That's right! Then we'd have the "Eye." But how could we defeat him?
Gogo: We'd have to get someone else to do it for us... but who?
Edward: Who could defeat the Emerald Weapon?
Gogo: Sephiroth!
Edward: Off course!
*At Riovanes*
Malak: Okay, Rafa... to build this weapon that will turn gold into lead, I need...
Rafa: Rubber duck...
Malak: Toy truck...
Rafa: Can of Coke...
Malak: Bad bad joke...
Rafa: Hot dog bun...
Malak: Ray of sun...
Rafa: Barrel of chum...
Malak: And three bread crums. So, what do we have?
Rafa: Rubber duck, toy truck, can of coke, three bread crums, and barrel of chum. And bad jokes. We have lots of those.
Malak: So we need a hot dog bun, and a ray of sun...
Rafa: I can get a hot dog bun at the Garden! They love hot dogs there.
Malak: Then I will get a ray of sun from the Stones of Sunlight in the Dragon Warrior world.
Rafa: Let's go!
*In the Xenogears World*
Agahnim: Yo.
Shopkeep Johnny: Can I... help you?
Agahnim: I'm building a mech. I need parts.
Shopkeep Johnny: Okay... what do you need?
Agahnim: What do you have?
Shopkeep Johnny: All kinds of stuff.
Agahnim: I need the basics... engine, arms, legs, head... stuff like that.
Shopkeep Johnny: I don't exactly sell them like that...
Agahnim: I just need to build a really kawaii mech, in like, a little while.
Shopkeep Johnny: Well, I do have some spare parts I could sell you...
Agahnim: Okay.
Shopkeep Johnny: But you'd have to talk to the king. He won't permit me to sell anything. He's been acting strangely lately.
Agahnim: Not that crap! Can't I just pay you? Don't you guys have a black market or something?
Shopkeep Johnny: Oh. Okay.
Agahnim: Excellent...
*Under the sea*
Edward: So basically... we need your help.
Gogo: Yeah.
Emerald Weapon: So you want me to kill Sephiroth... so you can revive Tellah?
Edward: Yep.
Emerald Weapon: How will that revive Tellah?
Edward: It just will.
Gogo: Yep.
Emerald Weapon: But Sephiroth's pretty tough. He did kill the Ruby Weapon.
Gogo: Bah!
Edward: He sucks. You can take him.
Gogo: Yeah! You bad! You bad!
Emerald Weapon: Well... I do hate that pretty boy bastard... okay. Let's go! *leaves for Costa del Sol*
Gogo: Are you sure this is a good idea?
Edward: What do you want me to say? Fight Sephiroth so he can weaken you and we can morph you?
Gogo: Good point. Let's just hope this works.
*At the Villa Cloud*
Kimberly: Now... we need Worker 8...
Umaro: Ungh'aa!
Kimberly: Of course.
Umaro: Ung'haaa!
Kimberly: Don't be absurd! They'd never fall for that!
Umaro: U'ngh'aha!
Kimberly: Good idea. Now, I wonder where Worker 8 is... Oh, hide! Here comes Ramza! *hides*
Ramza: So, anyway, then I said, we have to get Worker 8, so we can get Cloud!
Cloud: How did you know I was there?
Ramza: I read the strategy guide!
Cloud: Good idea...
Ramza: Yeah. Say, where is Worker 8?
Cloud: I dunno. I think Mustadio was messing with him.
Ramza: So, do you remember anything yet?
Cloud: Nope.
Ramza: Oh. Hey, Mustadio! What are you doing?
Mustadio: Fixing Worker 8 up.
Ramza: How?
Mustadio: I'm putting racing stripes on him.
Kimberly: We'll take Worker 8 now!
Ramza: The hell you will!
Kimberly: Oh, you'll let us have him... for we have kidnapped Aeris!
Ramza: No you didn't. She's playing Ehrgeiz with Sephiroth.
Kimberly: Oh... I mean Tifa!
Mustadio: She's sunbathing out back.
Kimberly: Uh... Reis?
Ramza: She's on vacation with Beowulf.
Kimberly: Yes! Vacation... in our dungeon!
Mustadio: Really?
Kimberly: No! I mean... yes.
Cloud: Then...
Ramza: Yes... we have no choice... take Worker 8...
Kimberly: Okay.
Worker 8: This guy are sick!
Kimberly: *leads Worker 8 out with Umaro* Don't blame us... blame yourselves or God! *punches Worker 8 in the stomach* DAMN IT! OW!!! *leaves*
Ramza: You think she was telling the truth?
Mustadio: Of course. That's the kind of devious thing Altima would do.
Cid: Here's the !@#$ing mail! Postcard from Reis and Beowulf.
Ramza and Mustadio: D'oh!
Cloud: Did you hear that?
Ramza: Yeah... sounds like a thumping... *looks out the window* It's the Emerald Weapon!
Mustadio: Crap!
*Outside*
Edward: I want Sephiroth! He's going down today! Ha ha ha ha!!!

Chapter 3: A Plan At Last

Sephiroth: If you want me, I'm here, but you better bring your stuff, because I'm ready for you.
Edward: Now! Get him, Emerald Weapon!
Emerald Weapon: *opens canons* Better get ready! To bow to the masters! Break it down! *fires at Sephiroth*
Sephiroth: *teleports*
Emerald Weapon: What?
Edward: *whispers to Gogo* Perfect!
Sephiroth: *reappears* Don't you know those tricks won't work on me? Pale Horse!
Emerald Weapon: *becomes a frog* Gah!
Gogo: Now!
Edward: Easy... wait for it...
Sephiroth: And now... time for you to join the Planet... *slices Emerald Weapon*
Edward: NOW! MORPH!
Emerald Weapon: NOOOOO!!!! *turns into a little tiny piece of Tiger's Eye*
Edward: Thank you, Mr. Sephiroth, and we'll just be on our way! *runs away with Gogo*
Sephiroth: *twirls his sword* What was that all about?
*In the Xenogears world*
Agahnim: At last it is complete! My mech: the Super Mega Schoolgirl Ex! Bwa ha ha ha!!! Altima will have to pick me now!
Shopkeep Johnny: Why don't you try it out?
Agahnim: Bwa ha ha! *climbs in* Now, let's test it out! Ready... aim... and fire! *blows up a mountain*
Shopkeep Johnny: You know, I have more powerful weapons I could sell you...
Agahnim: This is fine, thanks! Bwee heh heh! *flies off*
*At the Garden*
Rafa: Now... I need a hotdog bun... better check the cafeteria... Yo!
Guy: Yeah?
Rafa: Where's the cafeteria?
Guy: Oh, downstairs, first floor. Just check the big map in the lobby. By the way, you can have these... *gives Rafa some cards*
Rafa: Thanks... uh, what are they?
Guy: Triple Triad cards. You can play cards with them.
Rafa: Cool. Thanks. *leaves*
*In Alefgard*
Malak: Okay, I need the Stones of Sunlight... hey, where are the Stones of Sunlight?
Guy: Dost thou quest for the holiest Stones?
Malak: Uh, yeah, I guess.
Guy: Thou must swimmeth rivers deep and crosseth deserts wide to attain them.
Malak: Dude, what are you talking about?
Guy: Thou speaketh with a strange and unfamiliar accent. Talketh ye to the king, so that he mayeth help thou on thy quest.
Malak: King. Gotcha. *goes upstairs to the throne room*
Guard: Hark! Who dwellest there?
Malak: Uh... me.
Guard: Okay, thou mayest see the king.
King: What desireth thou?
Malak: I need the Stones of Sunlight.
King: Art thou the descendant of Erdrick?
Malak: No. I mean... uh... yeah.
King: Hast thou proof?
Malak: Uh... no.
King: Attaineth first for me proof, then returnest. But first, tell me of thy deeds so they won't be forgotten. What is thy name?
Malak: Uh, I'm Cloud Strife, ex-SOLDIER, first class.
King: Very well, Cloud Strife, descendant of Erdrick. Return when thou obtainest proof, and thou shalt have the treasure you seek.
Malak: Where do I get "proof?"
King: Goeth to the swamp, in the southern lands of Alefgard.
Malak: Swamp, south. Gotcha. What is "proof?"
King: Erdrick's amulet.
Malak: Okay. *leaves*
*In the Garden*
Rafa: Okay, the cafeteria. *walks up to the counter* I need a hotdog bun.
Cafeteria lady: We're all out of hotdogs.
Rafa: I just want the bun.
Cafeteria lady: We're out of those too.
Zell: You are?! Looks like I missed out again!
Rafa: Crap! I HAVE to have a hotdog.
Zell: You could try to win one, like by playing cards.
Rafa: Well, I do have these cards... okay.
Zell: Try the Trepies over there.
Rafa: Thanks. *goes to a nearby table* Can I have your hotdog bun?
Trepie #1: Quistis... ah...
Friend of Trepie #1: Hey! She's talking to you!
Trepie #1: Oh... no... I'm saving it for Quistis...
Rafa: I'll play you a game of cards for it.
Trepie #1: Okay... you're on!
Rafa: Uh... just one thing... how do you play?
Rubicant: I am a transfer student! I will show you how! *gets out his deck*
*In Alefgard*
Malak: Stupid murky swamp! Where is that damn amulet?
Ax Knight: Right here. *hands Malak the amulet*
Malak: Thanks, an- OH MY GOD!!! You're a freakin' enemy!
Ax Knight: Oh, no. I'm really a nice guy. It's just that damn Dragon Warrior likes to beat enemies up to get experience.
Malak: Oh, okay. Well, thanks.
Ax Knight: No prob! Anything that helps screw up the Dragon Warrior is not too much trouble!
Malak: How come you don't talk with thees and thous?
Ax Knight: Because I have no speaking lines in the game.
Malak: Oh, okay. Well, thanks! *leaves*
Ax Knight: See ya.
*In the Garden*
Rafa: Okay, thanks for the lesson, Rubicant.
Rubicant: I will show you how!
Rafa: You already did.
Rubicant: Then, so it will be fair, I will heal your HP and MP. *heals Rafa*
Rafa: Uh, thanks.
Rubicant: No problem. *leaves*
Rafa: Now, let's play! *gets out her deck*
Trepie #1: Quistis... I mean, you're on! *gets out his deck*
*Two minutes later*
Rafa: I win!
Billy Lee Black: God forgive these sinners.
Trepie #1: Okay... which card do you want? Please don't take my Quistis!
Rafa: You have a Rafa and Malak card? Cool! I want it!
Trepie #1: But it sucks! It's got 2s on all sides!
Rafa: I don't care! Gimme, gimme!
Trepie #1: Okay. *gives Rafa the card*
Rafa: And now for my hotdog bun.
Trepie #1: But... I'm really hungry.
Friend of Trepie #1: I thought you were saving it for Quistis.
Trepie #1: Doh!
Rafa: A deal's a deal! Gimme the bun!
Man: *walking up* Hey, hey, what's the commotion?
Rafa: This guy won't give me the hotdog bun I won fair and square.
Woman: CHEATER.
Another man: That's not far, ya know?
Friend of Trepie #1: The Disciplinary Committee?! I'm outta here! *gets up*
Seifer: Sit back down, chicken-wuss! *shoves Friend of Trepie #1 back down in the chair*
Fujin: COWARD.
Raijin: Real cowardly, ya know?
Rafa: I want my damn hotdog bun!
Trepie #1: Uh... just take it!
Seifer: Hold on... this seems like an unauthorized gathering. I'll just have to confiscate these cards, and this hotdog bun.
Fujin: DEFINITELY.
Rafa: But... I need that!
Seifer: Why?
Rafa: To build a doomsday device the likes of which this world or any other has never before seen.
Seifer: ...yeah. Anyway, these belong to the Disciplinary Committee. What's your name?
Rafa: Uh...
Fujin: WELL?
Raijin: The boss asked you a question, ya know?
Rafa: Uh... I'm... uh... Rinoa Heartilly.
Seifer: No you aren't.
Fujin: LIAR.
Rafa: Uh... I mean... uh... Meliadoul Tingel.
Fujin: FAKE.
Seifer: Whatever. Put Meliadoul Tingel on the list!
Raijin: You made the boss mad, ya know? But you're kinda cute. You wanna go out, ya know?
Fujin: *kicks Rajin* IMBECILE.
Raijin: That hurt, ya know?
Seifer: Come on! Let's go! *leaves*
Rafa: Damn! I need that hotdog bun!
Friend of Trepie #1: Nobody messes with the Disciplinary Committee!
Rafa: Well, the Disciplinary Committee never met Meliadoul Tingel before!

Chapter 4: Evening at the Garden

*At the Garden*
Rafa: But how... how can I get that hotdog bun back?
Friend of Trepie #1: I'm telling you... don't mess with the Disciplinary Committee.
Rafa: But I need that hotdog bun.
Zell: You must really like hotdogs.
Rafa: You don't understand... it's for a world domination plot.
Zell: Oh... huh?
Rafa: Nevermind.
Friend of Trepie #1: You could steal it back. But if you get caught... I don't even want to think about it.
Rafa: Where would it be at?
Zell: Seifer's room, probably.
Rafa: But how do I steal it?
Rubicant: I will show you how!
Rafa: You guys want to help?
Zell: Yeah! Man, I hate that Seifer!
Friend of Trepie #1: I'll help, but if you get caught, you're on your own.
Zell: You're some kind of coward!
Friend of Trepie #1: Yeah... so?
Rubicant: To make it fair, I will heal you all! *heals Zell, Rafa, and Friend of Trepie #1*
Zell: Uh... thanks.
Rafa: Well... let's go.
Friend of Trepie #1: Problem. How are you going to get into a guy's dorm room?
Rafa: No problem. Us Tactics characters are so damn androgynous no one even bothers to question us either way.
Zell: You're a girl?!
Rafa: You should see Ramza.
Zell: ?!?!
Friend of Trepie #1: Well... let's go...
Rubicant: I will show you how!
*Rafa, Rubicant, Zell, and Friend of Trepie #1 leave*
*In Alefgard*
Malak: All right, King Lorik. Here's Erdrick's Token. Now where's my damn stones?
Announcer: More importantly, hast thou the stones?
Guard: Thou art supposed to be taping thy Zelda commercial.
Announcer: Crap! *leaves*
Malak: Uh... yeah. Anyway...
King Lorik: I see that thou art a true descendent of Erdrick, Cloud Strife. I willst grant thee the Stones of Sunlight thou seek. *gives Malak Stones of Sunlight*
Malak: Yes! *does typical FF victory pose*
King Lorik: Dost thou intend to slay the Dragonlord?
Malak: Uh... sure... yeah... I'll go do it right now... heh heh... *leaves*
*Elsewhere in Alefgard*
Descendent of Erdrick: Where's that damn token?!
An Axe Knight draws near! Command?
*In the Forgotten City, in the FFVII world*
Edward: Here we are... the place where Tellah died...
Gogo: Dude, are you nuts? Aeris died here!
Edward: Oh, yeah. Hm. Anyway, what should we do...
Gogo: Use the Eye.
Edward: Eye... bring Tellah back to life.
*Nothing happens*
Edward: Damn it! Bring him back to life!
*Nothing happens*
Gogo: Maybe we need a password?
Edward: Porunga?
*Nothing happens*
Gogo: Open Sesame?
*Nothing happens*
Edward: This sucks.
*In the Garden*
Rafa: Okay, here's the plan. Friend of Trepie #1 stands watch in the hall. He will send Rubicant back to tell us if Seifer or a hall monitor is coming...
Rubicant: I will show you how!
Rafa: Yeah... Zell and I will sneak into Seifer's room to recover the hotdog bun and cards...
Zell: Yeah!
Rafa: Everyone got that?
Zell: Yes!
Friend of Trepie #1: Got it.
Rubicant: I will show you how!
Rafa: Good. Remember, we only have 5 minutes to do this...
Zell: Why?
Rafa: Pointless plot device. Now, let's go!
Friend of Trepie #1: *walks up to the front desk at the Dorms* Hey... what room is A. Aaronson in?
Desk Worker: Room 662.
*Zell sneaks in*
Friend of Trepie #1: What about B. Buschowski?
Desk Worker: Room 498.
*Rafa sneaks in*
Friend of Trepie #1: Uh... cool. Well, I'll just wait around in the hall then. Thanks.
Desk Worker: Okay.
*Elsewhere*
Rafa: Okay, what room is Seifer in?
Zell: Uh... I dunno.
Rafa: You... don't know?! YOU BUFFOON!
Zell: Well... I think it's... on the right... somewhere... or the left...
Rafa: Crap. Go ask.
Zell: I'll get caught.
Rafa: You can't get caught. You live here!
Zell: Oh, yeah. *leaves*
Rafa: (Idiot...) ?! (Cool, I can think stuff... and it shows up like this! I wonder if anyone else can see this?)
Zell: *returns* Room 309.
Rafa: Okay... let's go. We've got three minutes.
*Elsewhere*
Friend of Trepie #1: Oh, crap! Here comes Seifer!
Rubicant: Uh, oh!
Friend of Trepie #1: Go warn Rafa and Zell!
Rubicant: Oh, kay! *leaves*
*Elsewhere*
Rafa: Here we are... let's break in. *tries the door* It's locked.
Zell: Aw, man! *punches it*
Rafa: Dude, you just dented his door.
Zell: Aw, man! *punches it again*
Rafa: You're making a hole in his door.
Zell: I really don't like that guy.
Rafa: *hits it with her shoulder* Uh... one more good hit...
Zell: *draws back and punches it, knocking it open* Here we go!
Rafa: He's gonna know someone was here... ah, who cares?
Zell: There's the stuff!
Rafa: My hotdog bun! And cards!
Zell: My airboard! All right!
Rubicant: *runs in* Seifer is coming! I will show you how!
Rafa: Quick, let's get out of here!
*Elsewhere*
Friend of Trepie #1: Uh... hi, Seifer. Heh heh.
Seifer: What are you laughing at, wuss-boy?
Fujin: PATHETIC.
Raijin: The boss asked a question, ya know?
Friend of Trepie #1: Just admiring the atmosphere...
Seifer: Hmph.
Fujin: SUSPICIOUS.
Raijin: What's up, ya know?
Seifer: Something's going on! *takes off for his room, followed by Fujin and Raijin*
Desk Worker: *lets Seifer and Raijin go in, but stops Fujin* You can't go in, ma'am. This is the mens' dorm.
Fujin: THREATENING.
Desk Worker: What?
Fujin: *kicks Desk Worker*
Desk Worker: OW!!!
Fujin: *goes on*
*Seifer's room*
Rafa: Let's go! *runs out, but is stopped by Seifer*
Seifer: What are you losers doing in my room? And what did you do to my door?!
Zell: I broke it!
Seifer: Chicken-wuss? I'll deal with you in a minute. You... what's your name...?
Rafa: Melia-
Raijin: Meliadoul Tinge-
Fujin: TINGEL.
Seifer: Right! You are in SO much trouble. And you... *points at Rubicant* Who are you?
Rubicant: To make it fair, I will heal you. *heals Seifer, Fujin, and Raijin*
Rafa: Thanks a lot! *hits Rubicant*
Zell: Looks like we're gonna have to fight our way out! *punches in the air*
Seifer: You want a fight, chicken-wuss?
Zell: Grrr... *punches the air some more*
Squall: *walks by* (What's going on in Seifer's room...?)
Seifer: I can't believe you guys thought you could break into my room!
Squall: (Whatever...)
Rafa: Wait... there's no need to resort to violence!
Zell: What are you sayin'? He can't talk to us that way!
Rafa: *whispers to Zell* Er, Zell, this may not be the best time to tell you this, but... I suck!
Zell: Crap! *punches the air some more*
Squall: (I probably shouldn't get involved. None of my business... what do I care?)
Rubicant: I will show you how!
Seifer: That's it! I'm tired of your attitude, Dincht! I'll see you in the front lobby at noon, chicken-wuss. NOW GET OUT OF MY ROOM!
Zell: Grrr... you're on!
Seifer: And I'm keeping the stuff you tried to steal from me.
Fujin: THEFT.
Raijin: That's not right, ya know?
Rafa: He stole it from us!
Fujin: CONFISCATION.
Raijin: It's our job, ya know?
Rafa: All right, but if Zell wins, we get our stuff back!
Seifer: ...Okay! You're on! Now get out!
*The Forgotten City*
Edward: Sally sells seashells by the seashore!
*Nothing happens*
Edward: I never punched a tourist even if he deserved it, an Amish with a 'tude, you know that's unheard of...
*Nothing happens*
Edward: Crap.

Chapter 5: Let's Get It On!

*At the Garden*
Zell: I'm getting nervous. *punches the air* When's he gonna show?
Rafa: You HAVE to win, Zell. I HAVE to have that hotdog bun.
Zell: I can beat him. Geez, you must really like hotdogs. You know that bun has gotta be stale by now.
Rafa: It doesn't matter.
Friend of Trepie #1: You must really like hotdogs.
Rafa: ...shut up.
Seifer: *walks up, followed by Raijin and Fujin* So, chicken-wuss, you decided to show after all. I guess you're not a total coward.
Zell: Grrrr!
Rafa: What's with the two goons, Seifer? Can't you fight your own fights?
Fujin: SILENCE.
Raijin: We're just here to watch Seifer's back, ya know?
Rubicant: To make it fair, I will heal you all! *heals Seifer, Raijin, Fujin, Rafa, Friend of Trepie #1, and Zell*
Rafa: Damn it, Rubicant! *punches Rubicant in the arm*
Zell: Enough talk! Let's get it on!
Squall: *walks by* (Looks like something's going on. None of my business. I'll just stay out of it.)
Seifer: Fine by me. *draws Gunblade*
Zell: You're gonna use a sword? That's not fair!
Seifer: Well, you're wearing those metal gloves!
Zell: Okay, I'll take them off.
Seifer: *shrug* Fine. I'll just have to kick your ass without the sword.
Cerberus: PRETTY CONFIDENT. LET'S SEE HOW YOU DO.
Cid Kramer: Stay, boy. Good doggy!
Cerberus: Ruff!
Xu: All right! That's enough of this! Break it up, you two!
Zell: He started it.
Seifer: Whatever, chicken-wuss. You got off lucky.
Zell: Grrr...
Xu: You two have no business fighting. Headmaster Cid should expel you both.
Cid: Uh... yeah... uh, I should... heh heh...
Xu: What are you doing standing there?
Cid: Uh... I was just gonna break it up.
Cerberus: Hoooowwwwwwwllll!
Cid: Quiet, you!
Rafa: Now I'm never gonna get that hotdog bun back.
Seifer: You want this? You can have the thing then. It's stale anyway. I just took it to prove a point.
Rafa: What point?
Seifer: None of your business. You can have your cards back too. They all suck.
Rafa: Hm. I guess he wasn't such a bad guy after all.
Zell: Man, I hate that guy! I'm gonna get him!
Seifer: Later, chicken-wuss. *walks off*
Raijin: So, Rafa, would you like, like to go out, ya know?
Fujin: SILENCE. *kicks Raijin* IMBECILE. *walks off with Raijin in tow*
Raijin: Ow, ya know?
Rafa: Woohoo! I got my hotdog bun back!
Zell: You must really like hotdogs.
Rafa: Thanks for your help. I'm gonna go now. So long.
Zell: See you later.
*In the Forgotten City*
Gogo: *sigh* Xenogears.
*Nothing happens*
Edward: Xenophobia.
*Nothing happens*
Gogo: I give up! That's nearly the entire dictionary.
Edward: *tosses the Eye across the room* Stupid rock! I don't want to be your master!
*Eye starts glowing*
Gogo: Argh! *hides behind Edward*
Edward: Uh... I am your master! Obey me!
*Eye continues to glow*
Edward: Stone, I order you to revive Tellah the mage!
*The Eye radiates an eerie glow, and an image appears. It is that of Tellah coming back to life as a young guy in the FFIV world*
Tellah (in the image): I'm alive! And hot damn, I'm young! Woohoo! Time to celebrate! *casts Meteo on some nearby imps*
Imps (in the image): ARGH! *die*
Edward: He's alive! And... he's young! No matter. Now he will pay for calling me spoony!
*The Eye vanishes*
Gogo: Whoa, trippy! And it worked!
Edward: Bwa ha ha! My plan is almost complete! Let's go!
*In Riovanes*
Rafa: *walks in* Whoa. That was a lot of freakin' work.
Malak: About time you got back. Did you get the hotdog bun?
Rafa: Yeah. And some of these neat cards. Wanna play?
Malak: Oh. I bought some of those at the store. I got some character cards and a bunch of worthless Grats.
Rafa: I played with Umaro. I taught him the Random rule!
Malak: DAMN IT!
Rafa: Anyway, did you get the Stones of Sunlight?
Malak: Yep. Now we're ready to put this ray together. Let me see the hotdog bun.
Rafa: *gives Malak the hotdog bun* Do you think it will work?
Malak: It should. *puts hotdog bun and stones of sunlight in blender, with all the other stuff needed, and finally uses it to build a weapon in a manner far too complex and long to outline here*
*Several hours later*
Malak: YES! It's complete! A ray that will turn gold into lead!
Rafa: Ha ha ha! Altima will choose us for sure! But... should we test it?
Malak: Nah. That would take precious seconds and might help us avoid looking foolish later on.
*A knock at the door*
Dan: Are you guys ready?
Rafa: Yeah. Ha ha ha ha.
Dan: Well, Kimberly, Umaro, Agahnim, and I are ready downstairs with our inventions to present to the boss.
Rafa: Cool. We'll be right down.
Dan: Okay. *leaves*
*Downstairs, ten minutes later*
Altima: I don't know what the use is, but let's see your inventions.
Vormav: Krase and I didn't do anything, because we couldn't come up with anything original.
Krase: Yeah.
Dan: *gulp*
Altima: I don't blame you. I'm so depressed.
Kimberly: Well, why these do-nothings lazed around, Umaro and I recaptured Worker 8!
Worker 8: This guy are sick.
Kimberly: Kya ha ha!!!
Umaro: Unghaa'a!
Agahnim: That? Ha ha ha!!! You're pathetic!
Kimberly: And what have you got? I don't see any invention here!
Agahnim: Of course you don't, my dear. That's because it's outside. Follow me. *leaves*
*Everyone follows him outside, where they see a HUGE and VERY KAWAII mech*
Kimberly: What...
Rafa: The hell...
Dan: Is that?
Umaro: Un'ghaa!
Agahnim: My invention! A mech so powerful it can destroy ANYTHING. And so cute NO ONE can possibly attack it!
Rafa: It is pretty damn cute.
Altima: Could I... destroy T.G. Cid with it? And Beowulf?
Agahnim: You could do ANYTHING with it!
Altima: Very good! What about you two, Rafa and Malak.
Rafa: Ha! Our invention makes that pale in comparison! We present...
Malak: A ray that can turn gold into lead, thereby crippling the universe's economies!
Altima: Show me.
Malak: Give me some gold.
Altima: *takes out a brick of gold* Here you go.
Malak: *aims the ray at the gold and fires*
*Nothing happens*
Malak: Uh...
Rafa: Uh...
Agahnim: Ha! Nothing happened! I'm the winner by default! You suck!
Malak: What the crap?
Altima: You two suck. Anyway, let's test this mech out. Agahnim, after you.
Agahnim: *climbs in* You're gonna love it!
*Suddenly, the gold brick flies off the ground and hits Altima square in the head*
Altima: WHAT THE HELL? WHO THE HELL DID THAT?
Malak: Not me!
Rafa: Me either!
Dan: It just sort of... flew off the ground, by itself.
Kimberly: Like a mean little rock.
Dan: You're an idiot.
Kimberly: Shut up!
Malak: Wait a minute... if my calculations are right... *checks blueprints* So that's what happened! I forgot to cross the t-spaz capacitator with the defribulation modulator!
Dan: Huh?
Rafa: Of course! So instead of turning gold into lead...
Malak: It turned a good or neutral brick of gold... into an evil brick of gold.
Kimberly: It turns good to evil?
Rafa: Basically.
Dan: Cool.
Altima: This is perfect! Let's install it on the mech!
Agahnim: Great idea!
Altima: Then get to work!
Dan: Ha ha.
Agahnim: Damn.
Kimberly: So, who wins and gets to be your second-in-command?
Malak: Especially since Dan didn't do squat.
Dan: Uh... hee hee.
Altima: Oh. Dan is. I assumed you all already knew that.
Malak: D'oh!
Dan: Woohoo!
Vormav: And now we have a weapon powerful enough to crush Ramza and his lackeys! Bwa ha ha!
Agahnim: And when I install this ray, it'll be even more powerful, and impossible to destroy! Gye he he!

Chapter 6: A Big-Ass Battle

*At the Villa Cloud*
Sephiroth: *is sunbathing in the yard* Ah, this is the life.
Ramza: *also sunbathing* But shouldn't we get Worker 8 back?
Tifa: *also sunbathing* Or try to help Cloud regain his memory? He's been hacking bushes down with the Buster Sword all morning.
Cloud: *in the background* DIE! *slices down a bush*
Mustadio: *also sunbathing* Eh. We'll do all that later.
Ramza: Eh, fine by me.
Red XIII: Gee, it sure would be HORRIBLE if ALTIMA were to ATTACK right NOW.
Mustadio: Yep.
Cid: *working on the Tiny Bronco* !@#$% straight.
Red XIII: *sigh* Why do I even bother?
Barret: *comes rushing in* Uh... guys... there's dis big friggin' mech outside! And it wants US! What they dilly-yo?
Sephiroth: *puts his jacket on* No doubt it's Altima. Let's take care of it. Who's turn is it?
Vincent: Mine. *sigh* *takes out his Death Penalty and loads it, and leaves*
*Out front*
Altima: Where are they? I wish they'd hurry the crap up. I don't have all day. I've got worlds to conquer.
Agahnim: In MY mech! Tee hee hee!
Rafa: With OUR death ray!
Malak: Ha ha ha! It will be glorious.
Vincent: *walks outside* Okay, what's going on... my, what a cute little mech. Er... big mech.
Altima: All your villa are belong to us! We want revenge!
Vincent: I can't let you do that. I will stop you... but how can I stop such a cute little mech? Er... big mech.
Altima: DIE! *shoots at Vincent with the ray*
Vincent: ARGH! *leaps back in the nick of time* What the HELL? And still, I can't bring myself to shoot such a cute mech. *runs inside*
Vormav: Ha ha! We've got them on the run!
Krase: In no time these people I barely know will tremble at our feet!
*Inside*
Vincent: Uh... guys, there's a really cute mech out there, and it's got some sort of death ray. It's being piloted by Altima. He says he wants revenge.
Cid: !@#$% hell! I'll take care of it! *goes out front*
Altima: Bring Sephiroth, Cloud, Vegeta and T.G. Cid out here immediately! It's payback time!
Cid: Why don't you come the !@#$ over here and make me?!
Altima: PEON! DIE! *shoots at Cid, who deflects the blast with his spear*
Cid: Is that all you got? I will show you how! *prepares to strike the mech* But... but... it's so !@#$ing cute! I can't!
Agahnim: Ha ha! It's working! This is marvelous!
Cid: !@#$! I can't fight that! *runs inside*
*Inside*
Sephiroth: What's going on?
Cid: That !@#$ing kawaii mech out there! He wants you, Cloud, Vegeta, and T.G. Cid!
Vegeta: Hmph.
Cloud: He wants me? I'll handle it!
Aeris: I don't think you need to get killed. You don't even have your memory back.
Cloud: Never fear, Aeris! *draws the Buster Sword and goes outside*
Barret: Why in the hell didn't he jus' take the Ultima Weapon?
*Outside*
Cloud: You want me?
Altima: Yes, coward! It's time for you to face the wrath of the Holy Ajora, son of God!
Cloud: ...whatever.
Kimberly: THIEF.
Altima: DIE! *blasts a ray from the death ray at Cloud*
Cloud: *twirls the Buster Sword and blocks it* You'll never get me that easily!
Rafa: My, isn't he heroic now?
Cloud: *powers up the Omnislice, his "new" Limit Break* But... it's sooooo kawaii... I can't attack it!
Altima: HA HA HA!!! PREPARE TO SUFFER! *blasts at Cloud again, who dodges*
Cloud: What do I do? *hides behind a conveniently placed rock*
Dan: He's at our mercy! Ha ha ha!
Umaro: Ung'haaaa!
Cloud: Damn it! Must... fight... *jumps out and readies the Buster Sword* If only I had a more powerful weapon...
Altima: SUFFER!!! *hits Cloud with the death ray*
Cloud: ARGH!!! *falls down and passes out as the Buster Sword flies off into the sky and is caught by some... thing*
Voice: Finally, the fourth one...
Altima: The crap?
Malak: KILL HIM!
Altima: No, he's evil now!
Sephiroth: What the hell? Cloud?
Altima: YOU DIE TOO!
Sephiroth: Okay, number one, I hate it when people beat up my fri... er, people I used to hate but don't hate anymore. Number two, you CANNOT kill me. And number three, I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE TALK IN ALL CAPS!!!
Yuffie: But you...
Sephiroth: SILENCE!
Altima: HA HA HA! Feel yourself powerless against my kawaii mech!
Sephiroth: It doesn't look so cute to me. *slices through the right leg, comes out the other side, slices up the back, wails on the head, slices through the left arm and down the chest of the mech, then lands* Doesn't look so kawaii to me at all...
Malak: CRITICAL DAMAGE! RETREAT!
Agahnim: ARGH! My mech!
Voice: Where is it? Where is the dimensional interval? *appears*
Dan: Who the HELL is that?
Guy: I am... GILGAMESH! *does some big fancy attack on the mech which does one point of damage*
Sephiroth: Hmph. Lousy GF trying to take my credit...
Gilgamesh: *disappears*
Yuffie: YAY! He stopped the mech!
Sephiroth: Hmph. Grrrr...
Altima: RETREAT! *grabs Cloud and flies off*
Vegeta: The hell? *powers up a big blast* FINAL FLA-
Tifa: NO! You'll hit Cloud!
Vegeta: Hmph.
Aeris: We have to get Cloud back.
Sephiroth: It's a little late for that.
Barret: What yo' mean, foo'? He still alive!
Sephiroth: Yes, but he's not the same Cloud. Didn't you see?
Vincent: He's right... if you'll notice...
Barret: Huh?
Red XIII: His uniform turned black, and he grew a goatee. Sure signs that he is now evil.
Aeris: Evil... Cloud?

Chapter 7: What I Need Is A Good Defense, Because I'm Feeling Like A Criminal

*At Riovanes*
Altima: Is he awake yet?
Rafa: I think he's coming to...
Cloud: *waking up* Huh... what's going on?
Altima: Do you feel any differently?
Malak: Yeah... perhaps a bit on the mean side?
Cloud: I... dunno... Can I have a sword?
Altima: I guess. Dan, go get a Hardedge.
Dan: Okay. *leaves and comes back with a Hardedge* Here ya go. *gives it to Cloud*
Cloud: You know, I do feel a bit differently... OMNISLASH!!! *Omnislashes Altima*
Altima: GAH! STOP HIM!!!
Cloud: Okay, who else wants some? Huh? Who wants a piece?
Agahnim: Give us the sword...
Cloud: I'll give it to you, all right, heh heh heh...
Kimberly: Come on... don't do anything stupid... we aren't your enemies...
Umaro: Ung'haaa!
Kimberly: Oh, yeah... I guess we are.
Vormav: So just give us the sword...
Krase: Okay, that was a pretty weak argument there.
Vormav: I tried.
Worker 8: Does not compute! This guy are sick!
Malak: Silence! *kicks Worker 8*
Cloud: Okay, I'll tell you what...
Agahnim: What?
Cloud: *grabs Kimberly and puts the Hardedge to her throat* Heh heh heh...
All: *GASP!*
Umaro: U'nghhaah!
Cloud: That's right... I'm taking over this operation now. Altima... you're out! I'm in charge now!
Altima: NEVER! I AM THE SON OF GOD!
Cloud: *tosses Kimberly aside and does the Braver on Altima*
Altima: DAMMIT!!! Damn you, Strife!
Cloud: Silence! I'm in charge now, peon!
All: *GULP!*
Altima: I have something to say about that! Ultima!!! *casts Ultima on Cloud, taking off 150 hp*
Cloud: Is that all you got? Let me add another scar for ya! *tosses the Hardedge aside and picks up a nearby baseball bat* OMNIBEAT!!! *does the Omnislash on Altima with the Nailbat*
Altima: Defeated... too much... power...
Cloud: *twirls the Nailbat and puts in on his back* Heh heh. That's right. I'm in charge now. *grabs Altima and tosses him into a trap door which leads to the dungeon* Ha ha ha!
Malak: How'd you know that was there?
Cloud: Silence, peon! Or face the wrath of my Nailbat!
Malak: Question cheerfully withdrawn!
Cloud: Good. Now, I'm taking over this operation. You guys are MY soldiers now. Trying to take over the world? I will show you how!
Agahnim: YAY!!!
Vormav: You will?
Cloud: Yes. Now, first, fix the mech. Who built it?
Agahnim: I did.
Cloud: Go fix it. This time, try to make it NOT SUCK.
Agahnim: Okay! *runs off*
Cloud: Okay.Who here is the best fighter?
Rafa: Errr...
Dan: Ahhh...
Umaro: Un'gh'aa!
Cloud: Well, peons?
Malak: We all kind of suck.
Cloud: I don't care. Who's the BEST?
Dan: Me, I guess. I was in a fighting game.
Cloud: Well, then you teach these peons how to fight.
Dan: What about you?
Cloud: Hm... Rafa and Malak and I are going to go retrieve Edward and Gogo, and my weapons stash and materia collection from the Villa Cloud.
Dan: Okay. Get in line, peons!
Cloud: Silence, peon! That is my word!
Dan: Sorry! Get in line, ya bums!
Cloud: ...better. Now, let's go! *leaves with Rafa and Malak*
Dan: What the crap is going on? Oh, well. C'mon, Kimberly, Krase, Vormav, Umaro, and Worker 8. Time to train. And when Agahnim finishes repairing the mech, tell him to join us.
*Outside Riovanes*
Cloud: Waitaminute... where the crap are Edward and Gogo at?
Malak: I dunno. I think Edward wanted to revive Tellah. And Gogo went along for the ride.
Cloud: That's right. Edward showed up with the Emerald Weapon at the Villa Cloud then morphed it into the Eye. That means...
Rafa: The City of the Ancients!
Cloud: That's right! You're pretty swift... and just pretty, too... *wink*
Rafa: Uh, thanks. *giggle*
Malak: Uh, could you stop macking my sister?
Cloud: Silence, peon! Now, to the City of the Ancients! And then, maybe later...
Rafa: Hee hee!
Cloud: Heh. *leaves, followed by Rafa and Malak*
*At the Villa Cloud*
Aeris: So exactly what happened to Cloud?
Red XIII: Apparently that ray turned him evil.
T.G. Cid: *sharpening Excalibur* Hm... we may need some extra help on this...
Sephiroth: What do you mean?
T.G. Cid: The legendary... Council of Cids.
Cid Highwind: Council of Cids? The hell?
T.G. Cid: A council of all the Cids from all the FFs.
Cid Highwind: I don't remember goin' to it! What the !@#$ is it?!
T.G. Cid: Oh, you weren't invited. Because you're a loud-mouthed blowhard.
Cid Highwind: !@#$ing straight!
T.G. Cid: It's just me and the other 6 Cids.
Cid Highwind: Even Cid Kramer?!
T.G. Cid: Yep.
Cid Highwind: Even that raincoat-wearing !@#$ from FFVI?!
T.G. Cid: Yeah.
Cid Highwind: !@#$! Looks like I missed out again!
T.G. Cid: Eh.
Vegeta: Hmph. I don't the help of any Cids.
Yuffie: I'm with Veggie.
Vegeta: DO NOT EVER call me "Veggie."
Yuffie: Okay, Veggie!
Vegeta: Grrr...
Sephiroth: I'm with... uh, Vegeta, too. Just have the other Cids call us if Cloud or Altima show up in their world.
Red XIII: Sounds like some semblence of a plan.
Cid Highwind: Hell yeah! Council of !@#$ing Cids!? Complete !@#$!!!
T.G. Cid: Exactly why you weren't invited.
Cid Highwind: Shut the !@#$ up!
*At the City of the Ancients*
Malak: I think Chocobo Sage was rather pissed we stole his chocobo.
Cloud: Heh heh heh... he can think it over... in traction.
Rafa: Hee hee!
Cloud: Anyway, here we are. Look for some evidence that they were here.
Malak: Like what?
Cloud: I dunno. Footprints, or the Eye, or something.
Malak: What about a detailed outline and manifesto containing Edward's complete plan, double-spaced and with footnotes?
Cloud: Very funny.
Malak: Uh, I'm not joking. *shows Cloud a big book*
Cloud: Damn, this guy's just obsessive. *leafs through it*
Rafa: And why'd he leave it behind?
Malak: And why did Gogo write, "Gogo wuz here" on the wall?
Cloud: A couple of geniuses. At least they'll be easily to manipulate.
Rafa: You're going to manipulate them?
Cloud: Of course. I manipulate everyone.
Malak: Just like Altima.
Cloud: Except I don't suck. Now, this says they're going to the FFIV world to get the recently revived Tellah.
Rafa: Get?
Cloud: Kill. We have to get to them first. Let's roll. *snaps his fingers*
*In Riovanes*
Dan: Okay, now, why don't you follow my words, since we're almost through I'll make it easy at first. I wanna see if you wanna see, what it means, to be the man with the master plan, are you the man now?
Agahnim: Argh! This is too tough!
Dan: U rappin' awful.
Krase: Is this really gonna make us better fighters?
Dan: Uh, I guess.
Kimberly: You don't know?
Dan: Well, no.
Voice: HEY!
Dan: Who said that?
Voice: ME, STUPID!
Dan: Who's me? Umaro?
Umaro: Un'g'haaa!
Voice: NOT HIM, STUPID! ME, STUPID!
Dan: Who's me?
Vormav: You?
Dan: Not me! Me!
Voice: It's ME!
Dan: Where are you?
Voice: On the ground over here!
Dan: What...?
Voice: The gold brick! Pick it up!
Dan: *picks up a gold brick* YOU CAN TALK?!
Gold Brick: Of course I can talk! I'm a Sentient Evil Gold Brick! Or Sego, for short.
Kimberly: Leggo my Sego! Hee hee!
Sego: Silence!
Dan: So that beam made you sentient?
Sego: Of course! Take me to your leader.
Dan: He's not here right now. I'm in charge.
Sego: Your leader isn't that Altima dweeb, right? That guy sucked.
Dan: Well, he was, but he was overthrown by Cloud Strife.
Sego: Cool!
Dan: So you like, wanna join?
Sego: Yeah! But I suck.
Dan: We do too.
Sego: Cool. Sign me up.
Dan: Okay.
Sego: There's just one problem...
Vormav: What?
Sego: I don't have no legs!
Kimberly: Why not?
Sego: I lost 'em in the war!
Kimberly: Really?
Sego: No, stupid. I wasn't made with any legs!
Krase: Why not?
Sego: It wasn't exactly my choice. I wasn't made to be sentient.
Dan: Oh, I'm sure Agahnim can make you some robotic legs or something.
Agahnim: Yep! Tee hee!
Sego: Oh, thanks, man! You're a pal.
Dan: Wow, this is weird. Well, Agahnim, build Sego some legs. The rest of you, I guess you can take a break for a while.
Kimberly: Hey, Dan, wanna play Triple Triad?
Dan: Sure.
*Fifteen seconds later*
Dan: RANDOM, NO!!!!! Four Grats and Doomtrain! CRAP!
Kimberly: Hee hee hee!!!
Dan: Damn you, Rafa!

Chapter 8: Edward and Tellah: The Ultimate Battle

*In the FFIV world*
Gogo: Where the crap is Tellah at, anyway?
Edward: I dunno. He *has* to be around here somewhere.
Voice: Hee hee! Die, imps!
Another voice: ARGH!!!!
Edward: What was that?
Gogo: Was it Tellah?
Edward: I dunno. Let's check it out. *hides in some bushes*
Gogo: Okay. *also hides*
Tellah: Bwa ha ha!!! All of you, DIE!!! *casts Meteo on some imps*
Imps: ARRRRGGGHHH!!!! *die*
Edward: It's him!
Gogo: So... when do we get him?
Edward: NOW! *steps out*
Tellah: Time to die, imp-huh? It's... you...
Edward: Yes, old man... er, young man. And now it's time for you to pay!
Tellah: What are you babbling about, you spoony bard?
Edward: That's exactly it! That's why I brought you back! I'm gonna send you to Hell for calling me that!!!
Tellah: You're the one that brought me back? That's hard to believe, you failure.
Edward: Shut your mouth, old man.
Gogo: Give 'im Hell, Edward!
Tellah: And who are you, you freak? Is Edward travelling with the circus now?
Gogo: Grrrr! Shut up, you old geezer.
Tellah: Funny, I don't feel old. Maybe you'd like a dose of Meteo...
Edward: Ah, but you're all out of MP after playing with your imp friends...
Imps: *cower*
Edward: And maybe YOU'd like a dose of Meteo...
Tellah: Huh? You can't use magic!
Edward: I can't, but Gogo here can mimic you.
Tellah: D'oh!
Gogo: Was it Meteo? I will show you how! *mimics Tellah and casts Meteo*
Tellah: *gets hit with Meteo and loses 4 hp* Ha ha ha! Is that all you got? Let me add another scar for ya!
Gogo: Crap.
Edward: You suck, Gogo.
Gogo: ...yeah, I guess so...
Tellah: Now let me show you how it's supposed to be done! METE-
Cloud: STOP, PEON!!!
Tellah: Huh?
Edward: Huh? Crap, it's Cloud! And... Rafa and Malak?
Gogo: Oh no!
Edward: Have you come to stop us?
Cloud: What? I could care less if you two kill each other, but first, I've got a plan.
Edward: Huh?
Malak: See, Cloud's evil now, ya know? And he's our new leader, ya know?
Rafa: QUIET.
Cloud: Yeah, peon. Now, I've got a proposition for you two.
Edward: Yeah...
Tellah: Proposition?
Cloud: Yes. You two can stand around out here trying to kill each other, or you can join me and the rest of Altima's army, which is now under my control.
Edward: But I've already got what I want! I'd rather kill this loser and put him out of my misery!
Gogo: Eh... so you're the new leader, huh?
Cloud: Quiet, peon. Listen, Edward, perhaps I'm not making myself clear. You WILL join me, or you will die.
Tellah: What about me?
Cloud: You too.
Tellah: Crap.
Edward: Join you... that I can stand, but I can never work with Tellah! I hate him!
Tellah: I hate you too, you spoony bard! You killed my daughter!
Edward: You want a piece of me, old man? Let's go! Right now!
Cloud: *sigh* Rafa, my sword.
Rafa: Here ya go. *hands Cloud the Hardedge*
Cloud: OMNISLASH!!!! *Omnislashes Edward and Tellah*
Edward: What... what'd you do that for?
Tellah: Ow! That stung!
Cloud: Now perhaps you get my point. Heh heh heh.
Malak: The Hardedge doesn't have a point.
Cloud: Silence, peon!
Rafa: IMBECILE. *kicks Malak*
Malak: Ow! That hurts, ya know?
Cloud: So what's it gonna be? Join me... or die?
Edward: Grrrr! I guess I don't have a choice...
Gogo: Yeah, sure, I'll join ya.
Tellah: Well, I guess I could join you whipper-snappers.
Cloud: Good. I knew you'd see it my way. Now, go back to Riovanes. I've got some business I've got to attend to. Gogo, keep an eye on them, and don't let them fight.
Gogo: But we left the Eye at the City of the Ancients.
Cloud: *sigh* Listen, peon. Just keep them from fighting. If they give you any trouble, mimic my Omnislash. Here's a Nailbat. *gives Gogo the Nailbat*
Gogo: Gotcha.
Cloud: See you later, then. You'd better be at Riovanes when I get back, or I'll come looking for you. And I don't think either of us want that to happen.
Rafa: BADASS.
Cloud: Damn straight. *snaps his fingers and leaves*
Malak: Do what he says or you'll get hurt. I'll see you around, ya know?
Rafa: Come on, you buffoon. *leaves with Malak following*
Edward: *sigh* I guess that means I have to work with this old geezer. This sucks.
Tellah: Shut up, you spoony bard!
Edward: That's it old man! We're gonna go RIGHT NOW!
Tellah: *chugs an Elixir* BRING IT ON!!!
Gogo: OMNIBEAT!!! *Omnislashes Tellah and Edward with the Nailbat*
*In Riovanes*
Agahnim: There, all finished!
Sego: 'bout time, stupid.
Agahnim: So much for gratitude.
Sego: Put me in the little suit, stupid!
Agahnim: Okay. *puts Sego into a small gold-plated suit that gives him arms and legs*
Sego: Ah, much better. I may only be a foot tall, but now I can kick some ass.
Umaro: Un'gh'aaah!
Sego: What are you staring at, stupid?
Umaro: U'nghaaaa'!
Sego: Imbecile.
Dan: Glad to see you're in much better shape now.
Sego: Thanks.
Dan: Well, we better get to work. Everyone in the courtyard in ten minutes! Boot camp is about to begin!
*At the Villa Cloud*
T.G. Cid: *wearing a headset* Hey, I just got a transmission from FFIV Cid! He says Cloud, Rafa, Malak, Gogo and Edward were spotted in the area recently!
Sephiroth: What could they be up to? And why haven't they made any demands?
T.G. Cid: He says Cloud wasn't being treated like a hostage. It was almost like he was leading them...
Sephiroth: Leading them...?
Tifa: Maybe Altima put him in charge a group, if he really is evil now.
Red XIII: Not likely.
Tifa: Huh?
Red XIII: It's more likely... that he has taken over Altima's operation.
All: *GASP!*
Sephiroth: Well, this just sucks.
Aeris: Red, how could you possibly deduce that?
Red XIII: Simple. *tosses down a copy of the Weekly World News that says on the cover "EXTRA! New Evil Cloud Takes Over Altima's Operation!"*
Aeris: ...
T.G. Cid: Ooooookay.
Cid Highwind: Well, any way we go about it, this just !@#$ing sucks! Damn, I'm pissed!
Tifa: I wonder where Cloud is now?
T.G. Cid: FFIV Cid says he left their world about an hour ago.
Sephiroth: Hm...
Red XIII: What?
Sephiroth: Tell me, did Cloud have his materia on when he was abducted?
Tifa: No, he never wears that stuff anymore. It's in a dresser in his room.
Aeris: How do YOU know?
Tifa: I just know. Hee hee!
Aeris: Grrrrr!
Tifa: Hmph.
Vegeta: ...hmph.
Sephiroth: Well, then, logically he'll probably return here for his materia, if he is indeed in charge.
Cloud: *walks into the room with Rafa and Malak* Of course I'll be back, peons!
Aeris: Cloud!
Tifa: Cloud!
Sephiroth: Clou- uh, yeah. What they said.
Cloud: No warm greeting from all my friends?
Cid Highwind: Shave that !@#$ing goatee! You look pathetic.
Cloud: Silence, peon!
Cid Highwind: !@#$ you!
Malak: Don't talk that way to the boss, ya know?
Cid Highwind: The boss? What the !@#$?
Rafa: INFIDEL. *kicks Cid*
Cid Highwind: Ow, you !@#$ing !@#$! *draws his spear*
Cloud: Please, no need to resort to violence on my account. I just came to retrieve my materia and weapons, and then I'll be on my way.
Barret: Why should we give you anything, foo'?
Cloud: Because it belongs to me, peon.
Tifa: Why do you keep calling everyone peon?
Cloud: Silence, peon.
Sephiroth: I'm not letting you have your materia back. Or your weapons.
Cloud: Fine. I'll just get a court order.
Sephiroth: Huh?
Cloud: It is MY stuff.
Sephiroth: That's pretty cowardly.
Cloud: Or maybe I'll just kick your ass.
Everyone but Sephiroth and Cloud: *GASP!* *step back*
Sephiroth: I know you just didn't say that...
Cloud: What if I did? *draws the Hardedge*
Sephiroth: You wanna go with me? Ha ha ha ha ha!!! Then it's payback time. Let's go! *draws the Masamune*
Cloud: It's on now, peon!
Aeris: Don't fight, you two!
Cloud: Out of the way, Aeris. C'mon, Sephiroth! To the settling of everything!
Sephiroth: Let's go, old chap.

Chapter 9: Was It Zantetsuken? I Will Show You How!

Cloud: Ha ha ha! You think you can beat me, peon?
Sephiroth: Enough talk. Let's dance.
Cloud: Get ready, 'cuz here I come! OMNISLASH!!!
Sephiroth: ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!! *moves his sword too fast for the eyes to see, blocking every hit*
Cloud: How the... huh?
Sephiroth: I'm stronger than last time, Cloud! Now it's my turn!!! *jumps and slashes at Cloud, who parries*
Cloud: Ha! Not good enou- huh? *his sword breaks in half* Uh...
Sephiroth: Heh heh heh. Keep trying.
Cloud: Malak, go to the store and get me another Hardedge.
Malak: Why me?
Cloud: Because... *puts his arm around Rafa* Your sister's so cute, I don't want to let her out of my sight for a second!
Rafa: Tee hee!
Malak: Oh, brother. *leaves*
Sephiroth: Good God.
Aeris: Grrrr!
Tifa: Grrrr!
Sephiroth: So, Cloud, do you still want to continue this stupid fight, or are you ready to give up?
Cloud: Never. For you see, though I have no sword, I can still defeat you.
Sephiroth: And pray tell, how?
Cloud: Peon. *reaches into his pocket* Because I have this.
Sephiroth: Materia?
Cloud: Not just any materia... Mystery Summon Materia. I swiped it off of Altima. And my luck is much higher than his. So let's see what we get, hmmm?
Sephiroth: Cloud, that'd be a very stupid thing to do.
Cloud: I love risks, peon! Mystery Summon!
*Atma appears*
Atma: Power... energy... as ancient as the cosmos...
Sephiroth: Blah, blah, blah...
Cloud: Get them!
Atma: Rarrrggghhh!!!
Sephiroth: *draws Masamune* Let's go.
*A swirling vortex appears*
Gilgamesh: ...
Sephiroth: Not him again.
Yuffie: YAY!!! He came to save us! *cheers*
Gilgamesh: ZANTETSUKEN!!! *slices through Atma, and a bunch of Kanji appears in the air* None can withstand my might! *disappears*
Yuffie: Yay- huh?
Sephiroth: He's still there! That doesn't work on bosses!
Atma: Ha ha ha!!! Foolish GF!!!
Sephiroth: Looks like I'll have to take care of this one.
Atma: Pretty confident. Let's see how you do! Fire 3!!!
Sephiroth: *dodges* Nice. SUPER NOVA!!!
*Fifteen minutes later*
Atma: NOOOO!!! *falls over*
Sephiroth: Ha ha ha. That gets them every time! *sheathes the Masamune*
Atma: I am energy... pure energy... I cannot be defeated...!
Sephiroth: *draws the Masamune* Uh huh.
Atma: I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the-
*It begins raining*
Atma: ...last... I am unstoppable...
Mysterious voice: Was it Zantetsuken? I will show you how!
*A horse and a rider appear*
Sephiroth: What the crap?
Yuffie: Yay- huh? That's not Gilgamesh.
Odin: Zantetsuken!!! *slices through Atma*
Atma: ARRRGGGHHH!!! *falls into pieces and disappears*
Sephiroth: Thanks, whoever you are.
Odin: I am Odin. No problem. I'm tired of that loser Gilgamesh making my attacks look bad. Sleipnir, giddyap! *rides off*
Yuffie: I like Gilgamesh better.
Barret: Gilgamesh sucked, foo'!
Yuffie: Aw, but I thought he was cool!
Sephiroth: Now, Cloud, ready to continue our... Huh? Where'd he go?
Vincent: *coming up the stairs* Oh, he went to the basement to get his stuff.
Sephiroth: Why didn't you stop him?
Vincent: *shrugs*
Sephiroth: *sigh*
Cloud: *coming up the stairs, followed by Rafa* Now that I have my things, I'll just be on my
way. I thank you peons for your patronage. Good day.
Aeris: Wait! Cloud, don't you remember?
Cloud: Remember what?
Tifa: Us!
Aeris: Us!
Cloud: You mean my past?
Aeris: Yeah, like when you lost your memory. Don't you want to remember?
Cloud: Aeris... Tifa... I've something to tell you... *romantic music starts playing* I... I...
Aeris: Yes?
Tifa: Yes?
Cloud: I did get my memory back! I just don't care! Toodles, peons! Ha ha ha!!! *vanishes, along with Rafa*
Sephiroth: How'd he do that?
Tifa: I can't believe it! He's dumping ME for that floozy Rafa?! Good God, she sucks!
Aeris: No, he's dumping ME for that loser Rafa! This sucks!
Mustadio: I always thought Meliadoul was much hotter than Rafa. Hm. And Alma was kinda hot too.
Ramza: Dude, that's my sister.
Mustadio: So?
Sephiroth: Now Cloud has his weapons, his materia, and an army of sucky characters at his disposal. What are we going to do?
Vegeta: Let's cut our losses and blow up the planet.
Sephiroth: We don't know which planet he's on.
Vegeta: So?
T.G. Cid: He's probably at Riovanes.
Vegeta: There you go.
Sephiroth: We aren't blowing up any planets. If I can't summon a meteor, you can't blow up a planet. That's just not fair.
Vegeta: Hmph.
*At Riovanes*
Cloud: Ha ha, guys! That was stupendous!
Malak: Thanks.
Cloud: Not you, peon.
Rafa: Tee hee, thanks!
Cloud: You and me, baby, we make a great team!
Dan: *comes running up to Cloud* I've been training the troops since you left, sir, and let me say, they look great!
Cloud: So preparations are coming along well?
Dan: Yeah. And... we've got a new member.
Cloud: Huh? Who?
Sego: Me, stupid!
Dan: Meet Sego, the sentient evil gold brick.
Cloud: Hmph. Don't ever call me stupid.
Sego: I call everyone stupid, stupid.
Cloud: Call me that one more time and I'll put you in traction, peon.
Sego: ...
Cloud: And where the hell are Edward, Gogo, and Tellah?
Edward: *walks in with Gogo and Tellah* STOP CALLING ME THAT, YOU OLD BASTARD!!!
Tellah: I'M NOT OLD ANYMORE, YOU SPOONY BARD!!!
Edward: STOP IT! STOP IT NOW!!!
Tellah: Spoony, spoony, spoony, spoony! Ha ha ha! You're spoony, you whippersnapper! You spoony whippersnapper!
Edward: STOP IT!!!
Tellah: Ha ha ha!!!
Gogo: For the love of Ajora, will you two SHUT UP!!!
Cloud: Glad to see you got back safely.
Gogo: They've been arguing like this ALL THE WAY back.
Cloud: Why didn't you Omnibeat them?
Gogo: *hands Cloud the Nailbat* Edward used Hide and now I can only mimic him. What a worthless skill.
Edward: Stop bad-mouthing me!
Gogo: Shut up, you spoony bard.
Edward: DON'T CALL ME THAT!!!
Tellah: Ha ha ha! He's a riot!!!
Edward: I will be in my room. Good day! *walks off*
Tellah: Oh, God, that guy is hilarious!
Cloud: I don't think he likes it.
Tellah: So?
Cloud: ...eh.
Tellah: Ha ha ha!
Cloud: Oh, and Edward, get back here.
Edward: Huh?
Cloud: I have an announcement to make. All you peons, get ready. All of you. Dan, Kimberly, Krase, Vormav, Umaro, Sego, Worker 8, Rafa, Malak, Edward, Gogo, and Tellah. I've been looking over the maps of various RPG worlds, looking for targets, and tomorrow, we begin making invasion plans. So get a good night's rest.
Dan: Hey, boss...
Cloud: Yeah, peon?
Dan: What about Altima?
Cloud: What about him?
Dan: Don't you think we should feed him?
Cloud: Hm... yeah, I guess so. Give him some gruel or something.
*In the Riovanes dungeon*
Altima: This sucks.
Vicks: Tell us about it.
Altima: How'd you get down here?
Wedge: We tripped and fell down the stairs and got locked in. Didn't you miss us?
Altima: I assumed you had died or something.
Vicks: Is there any way out of here?
Altima: No. This dungeon is escape-proof.
Wedge: Can't we move these bricks and escape to the courtyard?
Altima: Yeah, but in the courtyard I've got dogs.
Vicks: So?
Altima: And bees.
Wedge: So?
Altima: And dogs with bees in their mouth so when they bark they shoot bees at you.
Vicks: Ah. I guess we're screwed then.
Wedge: You know what that means...
Altima: What?
Vicks and Wedge: TRIPLE TRIAD!!!
Altima: Oh, good God!
Vicks: Wanna play?
Altima: I've got some character cards... oh, okay.
Wedge: By the way, we use the Random rule. Tee hee!
Altima: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Chapter 10: Air Tam Attack

*At Riovanes*
Cloud: So, does anyone have any ideas?
Vormav: Well, I do have an idea.
Cloud: Let's hear it, peon.
Sego: Yeah, stupid.
Cloud: I like you for some reason.
Sego: Thanks, stup- er, thanks, boss.
Vormav: Well, we need an airship.
Cloud: Why?
Vormav: So we can get around easily, and look cool.
Dan: That's true. That would look cool.
Malak: Yeah. Ramza didn't have an airship, and he was lame.
Cloud: We're in the FFT world, though. Where are we gonna get an airship?
Vormav: We could go back to the Airship Graveyard. That place was creepy, though.
Rafa: Plus, the airship there was scrapped.
Cloud: Then where are we gonna get an airship?
Malak: I've got it! Setzer hangs out at Limberry sometimes! He runs a casino out of his airship. I went there, but I lost all my money.
Rafa: That's because the machines are rigged, stupid!
Sego: Don't steal my lines, stupid!
Cloud: Don't call her stupid, peon!
Sego: Don't call me a peon, stup- er, boss.
Cloud: Don't order me around, peon.
Agahnim: Why do you keep calling people peons, boss?
Cloud: Because they are peons, peon.
Agahnim: Okay.
Edward: Anyway... let's go jump this Setzer guy.
Tellah: A good idea, coming from you, you spoony bard.
Edward: I told you, you old bag, stop calling me that or I'll lay some hurt down on you!
Cloud: Shut up, peons. The next one of you two that says a word gets an Omnislash.
Edward: ... *punches Tellah in the arm*
Tellah: ... *casts Meteo on Edward*
Edward: ... *hides*
Tellah: ... *misses*
Edward: ... *mocks Tellah*
Tellah: ... *flips Edward off*
Edward: ... *busts Tellah's nose*
Cloud: All right, that's it. If you two peons don't knock it off right now, I'm beating you both to a bloody pulp, and I'll make Umaro clean it up.
Umaro: Un'gh'aaa'aaa!
Kimberly: He doesn't like that.
Cloud: And I trust you two don't want to make him angry. So freakin' knock it off!
Krase: So, anyway, when do you want to beat this guy Setzer and steal his airship?
Agahnim: Assuming that is what you want to do.
Cloud: Of course that's what I want to do, peon!
Sego: Yeah, stupid.
Agahnim: Okay. Sorry.
Cloud: So what are we waiting for? Let's go to Limberry and kick some ass.
Dan: There's just one minor problem.
Cloud: And what's that?
Dan: We all suck.
Cloud: Correction. You all suck. You guys just stay behind me and play along. I promise you won't get hurt. Unless you piss me off. There's no way Setzer can beat me. I've got a truck-load of materia, and the Ultima Weapon. Let's just see him try.
Malak: Wow, boss, you rock.
Cloud: And your sister's hot.
Rafa: Tee hee. Thanks!
Cloud: No problem, babe. *wink*
Edward: Uh, shouldn't we get going?
Cloud: All right, let's move out! *leaves, with everyone else following*
*At the Villa Cloud*
Cid Highwind: Well, this is just damn fine. That little !@#$ is out there with a !@#$load of materia and Holy-knows-what kind of weapons, and we're sitting here doin' nothin'! This sucks!
Barret: Let's go bum rush da foo'!
Red XIII: We do need to do something.
Sephiroth: I agree, but what can we do?
Vegeta: I still say we cut our losses and blow up the planet.
Sephiroth: We're not blowing up the planet.
Vegeta: Can I at least go Super Saiya-jin?
Sephiroth: Knock yourself out.
Vegeta: *goes Super Saiya-jin* Now what?
Sephiroth: I don't know.
Vegeta: Damn.
Ramza: I've got it. Let's invade Riovanes, before he gets the chance to cause any trouble.
Mustadio: We're going back to the FFT world? Yay! Let's stop and see Alma on the way. She's hot!
Ramza: Dude, that's my sister.
Mustadio: So?
Sephiroth: I agree.
Ramza: Dude, that's my sister!
Sephiroth: Not that. I mean we should invade Riovanes. Cid, fire up the Highwind!
Cid Highwind: I'm not your !@#$ing slave! What if I decide to ram this Scimitar up your ass?
Sephiroth: I'll slice it, and you, in half before you can flinch a muscle.
Cid Highwind: Feh. *goes out to warm up the Highwind*
Tifa: So, who gets to go?
Sephiroth: Can't we all go?
Aeris: Nope. You have to choose people.
Sephiroth: I do?
Aeris: Yeah. You're the party leader. And Tifa and I are mandatory party members, because we have to go to talk to Cloud, even though we'll probably inhibit the party in some way.
Ramza: Yeah, and me and Mustadio have to go, because we're really homesick.
Yuffie: Then why are you always hanging around here?
Mustadio: I was just about to ask that.
Sephiroth: Well, that's five people. How many do I have to take?
Tifa: I don't know.
Sephiroth: Okay. Cid's flying the ship. Orlandu, you're coming too.
T.G. Cid: Okay. Do I get to kick ass?
Sephiroth: Probably. Well, I guess that's all.
Vegeta: Okay, you're leaving ME, probably the most powerful anime character in existence, and certainly the most powerful in this puny world, out of the party?
Sephiroth: I guess.
Vegeta: *powers down* This sucks! Hmph.
Yuffie: You wanna play Ehrgeiz?
Vegeta: ...I guess.
Yuffie: I hope you're better than Cloud.
Sephiroth: Anyone's better than Cloud. At Ehrgeiz, anyway.
Yuffie: Hee hee! Wanna place a small wager, Vegeta? *turns on the PSX*
Vegeta: You're annoying. *picks up the controller*
Sephiroth: Anyway, let's go.
Cid Highwind: The Highwind's ready, "boss."
Sephiroth: Okay. Let's go. *leaves*
*At Limberry*
Cloud: *walks up the gate, with his party behind him* Where's Setzer?
Algus: Why should I tell you?
Cloud: Because I'll kick your ass, peon.
Algus: I'm not a peon, I'm nobility!
Cloud: Whatever.
Sego: Yeah, whatever, stupid.
Algus: Don't call me stupid.
Cloud: Just answer the question. Where the hell's Setzer?
Algus: Inside, talking to Elmdor.
Cloud: Good. Out of our way. *walks in, followed by his party*
Algus: Don't I even get a tip?
Edward: You want a tip? Don't smoke in bed!
Tellah: You're hilarious, you spoony bard!
Edward: ...grrrrrr...
Tellah: Ha ha ha!
*Inside*
Cloud: *looking around* Where's Setzer?
Setzer: Over here!
Cloud: *to Elmdor* You Setzer?
Elmdor: No, I'm Elmdor. He's Setzer.
Cloud: Damn, you two look alike. *to Setzer* Anyway, where's your airship?
Setzer: Uh, outside. Didn't you see it? It's kinda hard to miss.
Cloud: Don't give me any lip, peon. We're taking it.
Malak: Yeah!
Setzer: You can't take my ship!
Cloud: We can, and we are. Whether I kick your ass to boot is up to you.
Setzer: This sucks.
Cloud: It's not my problem.
Rafa: Yeah, go talk to a wall.
Elmdor: I remember you! And your sucky brother! Up on that roof! I'll pay you back for what happened at Riovanes!
Malak: How come you didn't remember any of this when you joined Altima's army?
Elmdor: I dunno. Anyway, I'm gonna kill you all!
Cloud: You touch her, you freak, and I break your face. On second thought, I think I'll break it anyway. It could only be an improvement.
Setzer: Let's show 'em... THE PRETTY BOY ATTACK!!! *poses*
Elmdor: All right, mate! *poses*
Algus: *walks in* Uh, a lawyer here to see you, sir.
Elmdor: What is it?
Johnny Cochran: Hello. I represent Jeis from the Ginyu Force and Flik and the Pretty Boys from Suikoden, and my clients are very angry about your recent actions. What we have here is a CLEAR case of copyright infringement. If you do not cease and desist this immediately, and I do mean IMMEDIATELY, you can expect to see my clients in court.
Elmdor: I can?
Johnny Cochran: Oh, most definitely, sir. And I will use the dreaded...
Algus: No!
Setzer: *GASP!* You can't!
Johnny Cochran: Yes! The Wookie Defense!
Elmdor, Setzer, and Algus: NOOOO!!!!
Johnny Cochran: Good day, sir. *leaves*
Elmdor: Well, this sucks.
Setzer: Hey, where did Cloud go?
Algus: There! *points to the Blackjack, where Cloud is pitching gamblers over the sides as his men board it*
Setzer: MY SHIP!!! ARGH!!!
Cloud: *from the Blackjack* Ha ha ha!!! So long, suckers!
Sego: *from the Blackjack* See you later, stupid!!!
Setzer: NOOOO!!!
*The Blackjack sails off*
*At Riovanes*
Sephiroth: Well, here we are. It looks empty. *looks around*
T.G. Cid: ANYONE HOME?
Mustadio: Anyone? Hello?
Tifa: It looks abandoned.
Aeris: Hey, I hear voices coming from the basement... er, dungeon.
Ramza: Somebody down there?
Altima: YES! MEEE!!! LET ME OUT!!!
Ramza: Ah, it's just Altima.
Sephiroth: *opens the door* What are you doing down there?
Altima: *grabs Sephiroth's collar* It was Cloud! He locked me down there! It was terrible! I was stuck, and alone! Then I found Vicks and Wedge, and they took all my Triple Triad cards except for 2 Grats and 3 Red Bats! It was horrible! Thank you for rescuing me!
Sephiroth: Uh... yeah. Do you know where Cloud went?
Altima: I'm not sure, but he said something about going to Limberry, I think, to get an airship from Setzer.
Cid Highwind: Holy !@#$! Setzer's gonna be pissed!
Sephiroth: Well, thank you for your help. Now if you'll kindly detach your hands from my collar...
Altima: Oh, yeah. Sorry. *takes his hands off Sephiroth's collar*
Sephiroth: *shoves Altima down the dungeon stairs and slams the door* Don't mention it.
Altima: Damn you, Sephiroth! I'll get you!
Sephiroth: ...yeah.
Tifa: That was kind of mean.
Aeris: Yeah.
Ramza: After all the people that guy killed, he deserved it. Hell, I've got half a nerve to go down there and kick him right in the ba-
Mustadio: Ramza!
Ramza: Oh. Well, anyway, what was I saying?
Aeris: ...I forget.
T.G. Cid: Anyway, let's go to Limberry.
*At the Villa Cloud*
Yuffie: Yay! I win!
Vegeta: Not again! KUSO!!!
Yuffie: You suck almost as badly as Cloud at this!
Vegeta: *goes Super Saiya-jin* You're getting it now, little girl! *picks Godhand*
Yuffie: Hee hee! *picks herself*

Chapter 11: The Chase Is On!

*On the Blackjack*
Dan: So we've got an airship...
Cloud: Not just any airship. I proclaim this airship the Airshippe Cloud!
Malak: But it's already called the Blackjack.
Cloud: Silence, peon.
Agahnim: Kinda like the Villa Cloud.
Cloud: Exactly.
Dan: So what do we do now?
Cloud: We invade somewhere.
Dan: Where?
Cloud: The hell should I know, peon?
Kimberly: How about the Suikoden world? There's a few sons-of-bitches I'd like to pay back there!
Umaro: Un'gh'aaaah'!
Krase: I vote for the Suikoden world too!
Agahnim: No! The Zelda world! I want to watch Link suffer!
Vormav: No! We're in the Tactics world! Let's just take over here, and get Ramza back too!
Edward: Nonsense! Let's invade the FFIV world! Everyone there sucks! Except Kain.
Tellah: The spoony one speaks the truth! Nearly everyone there sucks.
Edward: Don't call me spoony!
Gogo: Nah, let's invade the FFVI world! All those overpowered characters, and I got sucky unalterable stats! Whassup wit' dat?
Cloud: Silence, peons! I'm in charge, and I say...
Dan: Yeah?
Edward: Yeah?
Cloud: What do you think, hon?
Rafa: Hm. I dunno. Let's invade the Pokémon world. They've got those cute little monsters.
Cloud: Sounds good to me. Onward to the Pokémon world!
Dan: The Pokémon world?! There's nothing there but a bunch of stupid kids...
Agahnim: And their dogs!
Malak: Yeah! Why would we want to take that over?
Cloud: Because I'm in charge, and I said so. *draws Ultima Weapon* Anyone got any complaints?
Dan: Oh... no, not at all.
Edward: Never... sir.
Sego: Yeah, so just back off, stupid.
Edward: Don't you start with me. I'll pitch you right off this damn ship.
Sego: Quiet, stupid.
Cloud: Anyway, you guys hang around down here and wait for me to form a party. I'm going on deck with Rafa.
Rafa: *smile*
Malak: *slaps his forehead*
Cloud: And... uh... clean this place up... or something. *follows Rafa up to the deck*
*At Limberry*
Sephiroth: Hmm... the Blackjack is gone. This is not good. Let's go inside and check it out.
Algus: Halt! Who goes there?
Ramza: Algus! I hate you!
Algus: Ramza! You common filth! I should gut you right here!
Ramza: Bring it on, chicken-wuss.
Mustadio: *draws his pistol* You want I should cap this guy?
Ramza: Nah. He's mine... *cracks his knuckles*
Sephiroth: We don't have time for this. T.G. Cid...
T.G. Cid: Heaven's wish to destroy all minds! HOLY EXPLOSION!!! *does Holy Explosion on Algus*
Algus: ARRRRGGGGHHH!!!! *dies*
Ramza: Damn. I never get to have any fun.
Sephiroth: Let's go. *goes inside, followed by everyone else*
Elmdor: Who... who is it?
Sephiroth: Welcoming committee.
Setzer: Uh... come in.
Sephiroth: Dear God! What happened to you two?
Elmdor: *has bags under his eyes, sloppy clothes, and is holding a rolling pin* We've... we've been up all night. Johnny Cochran threatened to sue us! It was horrible! *hugs Sephiroth*
Sephiroth: *prying Elmdor off of himself* Uh... yeah. Anyway, we're looking for Cloud.
Setzer: *also a mess* He took my ship. I would go and try to get it back, but I was afraid... Johnny Cochran might be out there... *sob*
Aeris: Do you know where Cloud might have went?
Elmdor: Not at all. He just took the ship and left.
Setzer: Yeah. He threw all my passengers out and took off. And I want my ship back!
T.G. Cid: So you don't know where he went?
Setzer: Nope. But take us with you. We'll help out.
Elmdor: Yeah. And you can protect us from Johnny Cochran too.
Sephiroth: I don't know...
Elmdor: C'mon. We can fight. And I'll bring Algus along. He can serve drinks.
Algus: *badly beaten* Oh no!
Elmdor: You'll do as you're told!
Ramza: If he comes, I'm staying here.
Mustadio: I don't know him, but he seems like a bum.
Algus: Hey! I'll have you know I'm nobility!
Mustadio: ...Whatever. (What an imbecile.)
T.G. Cid: What about those two really hot assassins?
Elmdor: Celia and Lede? I guess I could bring them along...
Ramza: Dude, they're demons!
T.G. Cid: *shrug* They looked all right to me.
Mustadio: They were pretty hot. Not as hot as Alma, though.
Ramza: Dude, that's my sister!
Mustadio: So?
Elmdor: Very well. Celia, Lede!
Celia: *appears* Yeah?
Lede: *appears* Yes, boss?
Elmdor: Me, you two, Setzer, and Algus and going with these fine people.
Celia: Okay. *disappears*
Lede: Fine. *disappears*
Tifa: Where'd they go?
Elmdor: They're still here. Heh heh.
Sephiroth: Well, let's go.
Ramza: Mustadio and I are going back to Igros. We'll... meet you at the Villa Cloud later, or something. *leaves*
Mustadio: Ciao. *follows Ramza*
Sephiroth: Well, let's go.
T.G. Cid: Damn! We forgot to de-equip Ramza and Mustadio!
Setzer: Ah, I'm sure they'll have all their equipment when the come back to the party. Just like in Suikoden.
T.G. Cid: What if they die?
Setzer: Hm. That would suck.
*On the deck of the Blackjack (or "Airshippe Cloud")*
Rafa: Aren't the stars beautiful, Cloud?
Cloud: From where I'm standing, you're the most gorgeous thing up here.
Rafa: Aw. You say the sweetest things.
Cloud: If this airship can fly high enough, maybe I can get you back to Heaven where you belong, you angel.
Rafa: That's so sweet.
Cloud: So what kind of Pokémon do you want when we get to the Pokémon world?
Rafa: I don't know. Maybe something cute, like a Horsea or Pikachu. Or an Oddish.
Cloud: For you, anything. I'd even be inspired to attempt to catch them all.
Rafa: Aw, you'd become a Pokémon master for me?
Cloud: Or I'd just become like Team Rocket, and steal them all. Except I wouldn't suck.
Rafa: *looks out at the stars* You know... sometimes I wonder if it could work out between us... I mean, you're a good character... I'm a sucky character... could it really work?
Cloud: I'll make it work. Don't worry, Rafa.
Rafa: Damn, you're cool under pressure.
Cloud: I'm an ex-SOLDIER, First Class. It's my job.
Dan: *climbs up on deck* Uh, sir?
Cloud: What is it, peon? Can't you see I'm busy?
Dan: We've arrived, sir.
Cloud: Why didn't you say so? Let's go and... uh, catch them all, I guess.

Chapter 12: 2 B A Master

*On the Blackjack*
Cloud: Do it.
Edward: No.
Dan: C'mon. Do it.
Edward: No.
Tellah: Do it, you spoony bard!
Edward: NO!
Malak: Please?
Edward: No means no! Stop bothering me!
Cloud: Do it, peon. Or I'll Omnislash you. And you know how much that hurts.
Edward: ...
Cloud: Well?
Edward: All right... ahem. Mi mi mi mi mi mi...
Gogo: I'm so excited.
Edward: (I can't believe I'm doing this...)

I want to be the very best, like no one ever was
To catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause

I will travel across the land, searching far and wide
Each Pokémon, to understand... the power that's inside

Pokémon, gotta catch 'em all!
Yeah, you and me
I know it's my destiny
Pokémon!
Oh, you're my best friend, in a world we must defend!

Pokémon, gotta catch 'em all!
A heart so true, our courage will pull us through
You teach me and I'll teach you!
Pokémon!

Gotta catch 'em all!
Gotta catch 'em all!

Pokémon!

Cloud: There. Was that so hard?
Edward: I can't believe I did that...
Cloud: That should get us all in the mood to catch some Pokémon. Now, let's move out.
Edward: I want to sing some more.
Cloud: Knock yourself out.
Edward: Are you guys ready?
Dan: Huh?
Edward: 'Cause we gonna rap some Pokémon!
Tellah: Oh, God, no.
Edward: You guys take care of the singing, and I'll handle the hard part!
Vormav: ...
Edward: I want to be the best there ever was
To beat all the rest, yeah, that's my cause...

Electrode, Diglett, Nidoran, Mankey, Venusaur, Rattata, Fearow, Pidgey, Seaking, Jolteon, Dragonite, Gastly, Ponyta, Vaporeon, Poliwrath, Butterfree, Venomoth, Poliwag, Nidorino, Golduck, Ivysaur, Grimer, Vitreebel, Moltres, Nidoking, Farfetch'd, Abra, Jigglypuff, Kingler, Rhyhorn, Clefable, Wigglytuff

Tellah: Someone shut him up!
Edward: I'll search across the land, look far and wide
Release from my hand the power that's inside... *continues singing*
Cloud: Anyway, Agahnim, Dan, Kimberly, Krase, Vormav, Sego, Malak, Edward, Gogo, and Tellah go in that direction and look for Pokémon. *points in a somewhat random direction* Rafa and I will go in the other direction. Umaro, you and Worker 8 stay here and guard the mech and the airship. And by the way, the mech needs a name.
Agahnim: Oooh! Oooh! The Mecha-Agahnim! Yeah!
Cloud: No. It has to be more... me.
Dan: The Mecha-Agahnim Cloud?
Cloud: No. Less someone else.
Malak: The Mecha-Cloud.
Cloud: Nah. Too forced.
Gogo: How about the PokéCloud?
Cloud: ...come here.
Gogo: ...okay... *walks over to Cloud*
Cloud: PEON! *slaps Gogo upside the head*
Gogo: Ow! *runs and hides behind Edward, who is still "rapping"*
Cloud: It will be called... The True Cloud Alpha.
Agahnim: What about me? I invented it.
Cloud: What about you?
Agahnim: ... *sobs*
Cloud: Okay, then steal or capture any GOOD Pokémon you find! Let's move out!
*On the Highwind*
Sephiroth: Now, where is Cloud going to strike?
Algus: If you want to be like Cloud, you have to think like Cloud.
Sephiroth: No one can think like Cloud...
T.G. Cid: Hey! I'm getting a transmission from the Cid in the Pokémon world! He says an airship like the Blackjack landed there not too long ago!
Elmdor: There's a Cid in the Pokémon world?
T.G. Cid: Of course.
Cid Highwind: They're !@#$ing everywhere!
T.G. Cid: When Square left Nintendo, they left spies behind.
Sephiroth: Why?
T.G. Cid: To make sure all of Nintendo's RPGs sucked.
Setzer: It worked.
Sephiroth: Anyway, to the Pokéworld!
*Somewhere in the Pokéworld*
Cloud: I need some Pokémon.
Rafa: Me too.
Cloud: Should we steal them? Or catch them?
Rafa: Eh.
*A kid walks up*
Kid: Wanna battle?
Cloud: Okay.
Kid: Pikachu, go!
Pikachu: *hops off the kid's shoulder and stands in front of Cloud, with sparks coming off his whiskers* Chu, chu, pika!
Cloud: ...Whatever. *nonchalantly takes the Nailbat and hits the Pikachu upside the head, knocking him out*
Kid: HEY! You can't do that! It's against the rules! You're 'sposta use a Pokémon!
Cloud: *twirls the Nailbat and places it on his back* I don't have any. I don't know how or where to get one.
Ash: Oh. I'll help you. My name's Ash.
Cloud: I'm Cloud. This is Rafa.
Rafa: Hey, I know you. Where are Brock and Misty?
Ash: Brock got thrown in jail for macking an Officer Jenny. Misty fell in one of Team Rocket's hole traps, and since she keeps dissin' my Mad Poké Skeelz, I refused to help her. Ha!
Cloud: ...
Rafa: Yeah, you sure showed her...
Ash: C'mon! Let's go get some Pokéballs and I'll help you catch some stuff.
Cloud: Cool.
*Elsewhere in the Pokéworld*
Dan: Dude, this hella sucks. Where the crap are we gonna get some Pokémon?
Edward: Good friends, are those that stick together
In the sun, or in the heavy weather
Dan: Shut the hell up!
Edward: I'm second-in-command. I order you all to back me up!
Dan: I'm second-in-command. You left, remember?
Edward: Grrr! *continues singing*
Gogo: Grrr! *mimics Edward's singing perfectly*
Dan: Oh, crap. Shut the hell up, you two! Don't make me use the dreaded Mega-Taunt!
Everyone but Dan, Edward, and Gogo: *GASP!*
Edward and Gogo: *continue singing*
Dan: *sigh* Damn it.
Kimberly: Dude, there goes an Onix!
Dan: You're right! I'm gonna capture it!
Malak: With what?
Dan: I brought some Pokéballs. *passes Pokéballs out to everyone* Now... Pokéball, go!
Onix: Grarrrrghh! *gets caught*
Dan: C'mon, c'mon...
*Pokéball light turns green*
Dan: Yay! I caught an Onix!
Vormav: Do you know the first thing about raising an Onix?
Dan: ...no...
Vormav: Yay!
Kimberly: I wonder what else there is to catch around here?
*A Pidgey wanders by*
Malak: A Pidgey! I must have it! Pokéball, go! *tosses the Pokéball*
Pidgey: Pidge! Pidgey! *gets caught*
Malak: Did I catch it?!
Gogo: Just wait...
*Light on the Pokéball turns green*
Malak: Yay! I caught a Pidgey!
Vormav: I think it's safe to say, we freaking rock.
Agahnim: I need something too. Let's go in here. *points to a gate with a sign that says "Safari Zone"*
Dan: *in a bad English accent* Looks like we're goin' ta go on a safari, mate! *goes in, followed by everyone else*
Vormav: Hey, what's that?
Dan: Check the Pokédex.
Vormav: We don't have a Pokédex.
Dan: Oh. That sucks.
Kimberly: That's a Kakuna!
Vormav: Must have! Pokéball, go!
Kakuna: *says nothing as it gets caught by the Pokéball*
Vormav: I rock!
*Pokéball light turns green*
Vormav: Boo ya! I'm now the proud owner of a Kakuna! Let's go hassle some kids!
*Outside Pallet Town*
Ash: All right. Now that Pikachu's healed up, I'll help you. First you have to battle a Pokémon to get it weak, then toss a Pokéball to catch it.
Cloud: Battle it? *draws Nailbat*
Ash: ...with a Pokémon.
Cloud: *puts away Nailbat* Crud.
Rafa: But we don't have any Pokémon. How do we battle?
Ash: Well, some suckier Pokémon don't have to be battled. But they kinda suck, so don't catch them. Then you might find stray or abandoned Pokémon.
Cloud: Sucky Pokémon?
Ash: Like Onix, Pidgey, and Zubat. Stay away!
Cloud: Okay.
Ash: Let's go catch something. I'll battle something for you, and then you catch it.
Cloud: Damn, kid, you're kinda helpful.
Ash: No problem. So what do you want to catch?
Cloud: I don't know. Something awesome. Something really mean-looking, and really aggressive, and really powerful. Like me!
Rafa: Oh, Cloud... *hugs Cloud*
Ash: ...uh, yeah. Well, let's try for a Scyther. They fit those requirements, and they're in this area.
Cloud: What are they like?
Ash: Here, look at my Pokédex.
Pokédex: *shows a picture of a Scyther* Scyther-is-a-grass-Pokémon-it-is-enraged-by-the-color-red.
Cloud: Perfect! Heh heh.
Ash: Look, there's one now! Pikachu, go!
Pikachu: Pi pikachu! *runs out and shocks the Scyther*
Scyther: Scyther scy! *slices on Pikachu*
Pikachu: Pika pi! *falls over*
Ash: C'mon, Pikachu! I know you can do it!
Cloud: Damn, this is kinda pathetic.
Pikachu: Pika... CHU!!!! *shocks Scyther again*
Scyther: Scy! *falls over*
Ash: Now, Cloud!
Cloud: Pokéball, go! *tosses a Pokéball at the Scyther, which unfortunately hits a tree and bounces into the water*
Magikarp: *in the water* Karp! Karp! Magikarp! *is caught*
Cloud: Huh?
*Pokéball light turns green*
Ash: Congratulations! You caught a Magikarp.
*Scyther runs away*
Cloud: Does it rock?
Ash: No. It's at level five, and only has one skill, Splash, which does absolutely nothing at all.
Cloud: This sucks.
Ash: Don't worry. If you raise your Pokémon, it can become strong anyway, and raising a Pokémon is the best part!
Cloud: But I want to rock stuff!
Ash: Good luck.
Cloud: Damn it!
Voice: Well, if it isn't loser boy and his loser friends.
Ash: *turns around* Gary!
Gary: Who's your friends, Ash?
Ash: This is Cloud and Rafa. I'm teaching Cloud how to catch Pokémon.
Gary: That's like the blind leading the blind.
Ash: For your information, he just caught a Magikarp.
Gary: In that case, want to battle, Cloud?
Cloud: I guess.
Rafa: Cloud, open a can on this guy.
Gary: After I get done with Cloud, you and I could go get a drink...
Cloud: Keep your damn hands off her!
Rafa: Cloud, rock this guy.
Random Cheerleaders: Gary, Gary, he's our man! If he can't do it, it can't be done!
Rafa: Bimbos.
Gary: Well, are we on?
Cloud: ...let's rock and roll.

Chapter 13: Magikarp, I Choose You!

*In the Pokéworld*
Gary: Nidoking, go!
Nidoking: *coming out of its Pokéball* Nidoking!
Cloud: Bring it on, peon. Magikarp, I choose you!
Magikarp: *coming out of its Pokéball* Karp, karp! Magikarp!
Gary: Nidoking, Horn Attack!
Nidoking: Nidoking! *does Horn Attack on Magikarp*
Magikarp: Karp, karp!
Cloud: Magikarp, Splash Attack!
Magikarp: Karp, karp! *splashes around*
Gary: Nidoking, finish it off! Horn Drill!
Nidoking: NidoKING! *Horn Drills Magikarp*
Magikarp: KARP! *passes out*
Cloud: Magikarp... return. *calls Magikarp back*
Gary: I guess I win. You suck.
Ash: NO!
Cloud: It's not over yet, peon.
Gary: But you don't have any more Pokémon, do you?
Cloud: Nailbat, I choose you! *draws Nailbat and runs at Nidoking*
Gary: Are you crazy?! That's illegal!
Cloud: *wailing on Nidoking, who is running* I don't see any cops.
Gary: Nidoking, uh... uh... Tackle Attack!
Nidoking: KING! Nidoking! *ignores Gary and runs*
Gary: Nidoking, return! *calls Nidoking back*
Ash: You suck, Gary.
Gary: Shut up, Ash!
Cloud: *twirling the Nailbat* I guess I win. You suck, peon.
Gary: That wasn't fair!
Cheerleaders: Cloud, Cloud, he's our man! If Gary can't do it, by damn he can!
Gary: HEY!
Rafa: ...bimbos.
Cloud: Anything else, peon?
Gary: I'll get you for this. I'm outta here. Smell ya later, Ash! *leaves with the cheerleaders*
Ash: Good riddance.
Cloud: I guess he can't take it as well as he can dish it out.
Ash: You know, that really wasn't fair.
Cloud: Like I care.
Rafa: Let's go catch some more Pokémon, Cloud. Something cute, like a Clefairy!
Cloud: Let's go.
*Elsewhere in the Pokémon world*
Edward: A Jigglypuff! Pokéball, go!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! *gets caught, but escapes*
Edward: Damn! I need to weaken it. But how?
Gogo: You're a bard. Put it to sleep with your songs.
Edward: Great idea! I'm glad I thought of it! Okay, Jigglypuff, are you ready?
Jigglypuff: Jiggly?
Edward: 'Cause we gonna rap some Pokémon!
Dan: Not that stupid thing again! Just let me beat on it with Onix.
Edward: Quiet! Onix couldn't fight its way out of a paper bag.
Dan: Hey!
Kimberly: It's true.
Dan: Crap.
Edward: I'll search across the land, far and wide...
Agahnim: Argh! At least sing something else!
Edward: I've already sang all the songs off the 2 B A Master soundtrack.
Sego: I know, stupid. And they SUCKED!
Edward: Hmmm...
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Gogo: Quick! It's getting away!
Edward: I know! Back me up, Gogo!
Gogo: Huh?
Edward: I was transported to a faraway place, to a world where monsters rule...
Gogo: Monsters rule!
Sego: That's not even from Pokémon, stupid!
Edward: I played the game like an ace, and now I'm in this place, to save the monsters from the evil Moo. Monsters rule...
Gogo: Monster Rancher!
Edward: Monsters rule!
Gogo: Monsters Rancher!
Edward: The pendant shows the mystery disk, we'll take it to the shrine...
Jigglypuff: Jiggly...? *yawns*
Gogo: It's working!
Edward: We'll unleash the fabled mystery disk and release the Phoenix inside!
Jigglypuff: Jigg... allly... *falls asleep*
Edward: Now! Pokéball, go!
Jigglypuff: Zzzzzzzz... *gets caught*
*Pokéball light turns green*
Edward: YES! Jigglypuff! What can it do?
Kimberly: It sings and puts stuff to sleep.
Edward: Crap.
Vormav: How do you know so much about Pokémon?
Kimberly: Well, Tai Ho and I wanted to get busy, but Yam Koo wouldn't leave us alone, so we just played a lot of Pokémon instead.
Vormav: Oh.
Kimberly: *sigh* A LOT of Pokémon...
Dan: Let's find some more Pokémon.
Edward: Hey, I'll give the orders here! I'm in charge!
Dan: Are not!
Edward: Am so!
Dan: Fine! Let's battle!
Edward: Suits me fine. Jigglypuff, go! *releases Jigglypuff*
Dan: Onix, I choose you! *releases Onix*
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Onix: Rarrrrrgh!
Dan: Onix, Bind Attack!
Onix: Rarrrrrrrrrrggghhh! *lunges at Jigglypuff*
Jigglypuff: JIGGLY! *dodges, then blows up like a balloon*
Edward: Jigglypuff, put him to sleep with your song!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! Jigggg-alllypuff, Jiggaaaalllly...
Onix: rrrarrrrggghhh... *goes to sleep*
Everyone but Edward and Jigglypuff: *yawn* *goes to sleep*
Edward: Why's everyone so tired? I'm not sleepy.
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! *hugs Edward's leg*
Edward: What? No one else ever listened to your song without going to sleep?
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! Jiggly!
Edward: How disrespectful! Well, I'm not sleepy at all. Nice performance, by the way.
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! *hugs Edward again*
Edward: Nice Jigglypuff... hey, everyone, wake up!
Gogo: Huh? What happened?
Edward: You all went to sleep.
Dan: Wha? That sucks.
Edward: And you lost. *points at the sleeping Onix* So I'm the leader. Me and Jigglypuff.
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Dan: Damn it. Onix, return! *calls Onix back*
Edward: Now, let's go catch some Pokémon!
Dan: That's what I said!
Sego: Shut up, stupid!
Tellah: Now the spoony bard is second-in-command! We're in a heap of trouble now!
Edward: Shut up, you old geezer.
Tellah: Your mom.
Jigglypuff: JIGGLY! *blows up*
Edward: Jigglypuff, Slap Attack!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! *slaps Tellah*
Tellah: Ouch! Stop siccing your Pokémon on people!
Edward: Then be good. And don't use the s-word.
Tellah: What? Stop?
Edward: No, the other one.
Tellah: Siccing?
Edward: No, you dolt! SPOONY!
Tellah: Ha ha! Made you say it!
Edward: Grrr! Jigglypuff, Psychic Attack!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly?
Kimberly: Jigglypuff doesn't know Psychic, Edward.
Edward: Crap! Then... beat on him a little bit!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! *slaps Tellah some more*
Tellah: Ow! Quit it!
Edward: Ha!
Dan: Hey, let's check out that cave over there! There might be something decent in it.
Edward: I'll give the orders, if you don't mind.
Dan: So? What do we do?
Edward: Uh... let's check that cave over there.
Dan: *sigh*
*On the Highwind*
Cid Highwind: Hey, there's the Blackjack.
Setzer: Yes! Boo ya!
Elmdor: YEAH!
Sephiroth: ...all caps...
Elmdor: Sorry.
Sephiroth: Don't make me slice you again.
T.G. Cid: Let's land and check it out.
Cid Highwind: Don't give me !@#$ing orders!
Tifa: Looks like Umaro and Worker 8 are standing guard. This could be a good opportunity to rekidnap Worker 8 for Ramza.
*Everyone looks at each other*
All: Nah.
*In the cave*
Edward: Hello? Any Pokémon in here?
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Dan: Will you two shut up?
*A Pokémon flies up*
Zubat: Zuuu!
Kimberly: A Zubat! Pokébal-
Tellah: Pokéball, go!
Kimberly: DAMN.
Zubat: Zu! *gets caught*
*Pokéball light turns green*
Tellah: Yay! Now I don't have to worry about that stupid Jigglypuff of Edward's!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! *blows up*
Edward: You bring it on, geezer.
Tellah: Anytime, pretty boy.
Sego: Will you two stupids shut up?
Edward: You shut up. And let's get out of this cave. This place sucks.
*On the Blackjack*
Sephiroth: Okay, stop where you are right now.
Umaro: Unghaaaagh!
Tifa: Aw, shut up.
Aeris: I've about had it up to here with this !@#$!
T.G. Cid: Huh?
Sephiroth: Are you okay?
Aeris: I'm... just fine. *draws her Parasol*
Worker 8: SYSTEM DATA ERROR! This guy are sick!
Tifa: I think he... er, it wants to fight. You need some help.
Aeris: No. You see, I found out, sticks and umbrellas are useless in a fight.
Sephiroth: You've got an umbrella right now.
Aeris: *smiles* That's what you think. You see, I was watching Batman the other day...
T.G. Cid: What does that have to do with anything?
Aeris: ...and this villain on there, the Penguin, had an umbrella...
Sephiroth: So?
Aeris: ...with a gun in it. *cocks her Parasol*
Tifa: Uh oh.
Aeris: Want some of this? Come get ya some!
Worker 8: Daravon famous on Ebonics!
Aeris: Suck this down. *begins capping Worker 8 repeatedly*
Worker 8: Multiple disk error! Reload? *falls over*
Sephiroth: Da-ya-yamn.
Umaro: Un'gh'aaah!
Aeris: You want some of this?
Tifa: I got your back. *begins doing combos on Umaro*
Umaro: Unghaa... *is knocked out*
T.G. Cid: That's what I'm talking about.
Algus: These chicks got skeelz.
Tifa and Aeris: Who you callin' a chick?
Algus: Eep! *hides behind Elmdor*
*Elsewhere in the Pokémon world*
Edward: Hey, what's that?
Ditto: Ditto!
Kimberly: A Ditto! Pokéball, g-
Gogo: Pokéball, go! *throws Pokéball*
Kimberly: DAMN IT!!!
*Pokéball light turns green*
Gogo: Yes! I got a Ditto! Uh... what does it do?
Kimberly: It mimics stuff.
Gogo: ...crap.
Krase: Hey, it's a Metapod!
Kimberly: Pokéb-
Krase: Pokéball, go!
Kimberly: !@#$ing son of a !@#$ing !@#$!!!
Metapod: Metapod! *gets caught*
*Pokéball light turns green*
Krase: Yes! Boo ya! Uh, what does it do?
Kimberly: Hardens its shell.
Krase: Crud.
*A ringing noise*
Dan: What was that?
Edward: Oh. My cell phone. Maybe my agent has a part for me. *answers his cell phone* Hello?
Voice: Yeah, is this Edward the Bard?
Edward: Yeah. Who's this?
Voice: 'Bout how big a boy are you?
Edward: Huh?
Voice: It ain't nuthin' for me to have to whip a man's ass, son.
Edward: Who the hell is this?
Voice: Don't you remember?
Edward: No.
Voice: Let me give you a clue: you screwed me over.
Edward: Nope.
Voice: TWICE.
Edward: Uh, give me another hint.
Voice: I'm big and I'm green.
Edward: Oh crap! Perfect Cell?!
Voice: No, stupid.
Edward: Sego?
Sego: What, stupid?
Voice: NO!
Edward: Give me another clue. You could be anyone.
Voice: You want another clue? Fine. Here you go: I'm standing right behind your ass.
Edward: Ha. I'm not falling for that. There's a lake behind me. And I know I haven't screwed over any water Pokémon.
Voice: Then turn around. *hangs up*
Edward: Er, okay. *turns around and watches the lake for ten seconds*
*Nothing happens*
Edward: Ho hum. *keeps watching*
*Nothing happens*
Edward: Ah... *keeps watching*
Dan: Let's blow.
*Suddenly, a huge green form rises up out of the water*
Emerald Weapon: Remember me now?!
Edward: Holy big freakin' crap!!!
Dan: Uh, see ya later, Edward. *takes several steps back*
Tellah: Nice knowin' ya, spoony bard. *steps back*
Gogo: It was all his idea! I swear! Please don't kill me!
Emerald: You're goin' down, bard. You betrayed me twice! And you turned me into the Eye to bring that old geezer back!
Tellah: Hey! You want me to bust Meteor on your ass?
Emerald: Bring it on, you old fogey!
Tellah: Yipes!
Edward: Uh... can't we talk about this?
Emerald: No! Well, maybe you can... talk to Kaioh-sama... IN THE NEXT DIMENSION!!! *opens his arm cannons*
Edward: Aw, crap! I gotta do something fast! Well, I hate to do this, but... Jigglypuff, I choose you.
Jigglypuff: *salutes* Jiggly!
Emerald: Ha ha ha! You're going to battle me? With that thing?
Jigglypuff: Jigglypuff! *blows up*
Emerald: Edward, you are as stupid as you look, to think that little runt can take me on.
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Edward: Hey, don't be dissin' Jigglypuff because of your own insecurities.
Emerald: Okay, that's it. I'm gonna mash both of you into the pavement. And Gogo too.
Gogo: Argh!
Edward: Jigglypuff, what do you say we show this punk what some mad Pokéskeelz can do?
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Dan: It's a brave little thing.
Kimberly: It's a stupid little thing.
Edward: Let's go, Emerald. Truth is, I've wanted to settle with you for quite a while.
Emerald: Bring it on. It ain't nothin' for me to have to kick a man's ass.
Edward: School is in session. Welcome to Edward the Bard and Jigglypuff's Classroom of Hard Knocks.

Chapter 14: Jigglypuff's Last Stand? or, Getting Jiggly Wit' It

*In the Pokémon world*
Edward: So come on, Emmy. Let's see what you got.
Emerald: Was it kicking ass? I will show you how!
Edward: Jigglypuff! Slap Attack!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! *runs at Emerald and starts slapping*
Emerald: Heh heh heh. Aren't you cute? Anyway... DIE! *slaps Jigglypuff into a mountainside*
Jigglypuff: Jigglyyyyy...
Edward: Jigglypuff! Somebody give me a sword!
Dan: A sword? Are you crazy?!
Edward: I have to try to beat him!
Krase: Here you go. *tosses Edward a sword* Good luck.
Edward: It's time for you to die! *rushes at Emerald and hacks away*
Emerald: You pitiful fool. I'm going to enjoy this. *slaps Edward into the mountain near Jigglypuff*
Edward: Gahhh... that stung...
Jigglypuff: *goes over to Edward* Jigglypuff! Jiggly!
Edward: You're right! We have to try to fight! Let's go!
Gogo: He's got a lot of heart.
Tellah: And no brains.
Edward: Jigglypuff, Body Slam Attack!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Kimberly: Are you nuts?! Jigglypuff can't lift that thing!
Edward: We have to try!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! *tries to lift Emerald, and fails*
Emerald: Stupid runt. *grabs Jigglypuff*
Jigglypuff: JIGGLY!!!
Edward: Jigglypuff! NO!
Emerald: Heh. Take THIS! *tosses Jigglypuff into a wall*
Jigglypuff: Jiggg... alllllly... *falls over*
Edward: Jigglypuff! *runs over to Jigglypuff and holds it* It's...
Emerald: Heh heh heh.
Tellah: Is it okay?
Edward: It's... dead.
Emerald: Ha ha ha. And you'll soon join it!
Edward: JIGGLYPUFF!!! *runs at Emerald Weapon and jumps, slicing it across the face*
Emerald: You impudent little bard! Just for that, I'm gonna hurt you before I kill you.
Edward: I'll kill you, you son of a bitch! *rushes at Emerald*
Emerald: DIE!!! *slaps Edward away*
Edward: I... have to beat it...
Emerald: You can't beat me! Ha ha ha! You aren't Sephiroth!
Dan: For God's sakes, let's just get out of here!
Edward: (Maybe he's right...) *thinks about Jigglypuff*
Emerald: Heh heh heh...
Edward: No! I... I won't let my friends down! I won't let Jigglypuff down! I don't care if you're a million times stronger than me, I'll never give up! *picks up the sword again*
Emerald: Bring it on!
Dan: He's right! We're not gonna let you win! Onix, go! *releases Onix*
Onix: Raaarrrgggh!
Dan: There's more where that came from! SHORYUKEN!!! *Dragon Punches Emerald*
Emerald: I'll kill you too!
Tellah: You'll have to go through me! METEOR!!! *casts Meteor on Emerald*
Emerald: Argh! Fine, I'll add you to the list too, old man!
Malak: Pidgey, I choose you! *releases Pidgey*
Pidgey: Pidgey!
Malak: Pidgey, Wing Attack!
Pidgey: Pidgey! *Wing Attacks Emerald*
Emerald: Stupid bird!
Malak: Heavenly Dawn Beltback! *hits Emerald Weapon four times*
Tellah: Zubat, I choose you! *releases Zubat*
Zubat: Zuu!
Tellah: Zubat, Leech Life!
Zubat: Zuu! *Leech Lifes Emerald*
Emerald: Gah! Stupid animals!
Tellah: METEOR!!! *cast Meteor on Emerald*
Emerald: Gah!!!
Gogo: METEOR!!! *mimics Tellah and hits Emerald with Meteor*
Emerald: You stupid fools!
Gogo: Ditto, I choose you! *releases Ditto*
Ditto: Ditto!
Gogo: Ditto, Transform!
Ditto: Ditto! *transforms into the Emerald Weapon*
Emerald: Bah! *slaps Ditto into a mountainside*
Ditto: Ditttttttoooo... *passes out and turns back to normal*
Kimberly: You stupid beast! How can you fight poor defenseless animals? *runs up and drop kicks Emerald*
Emerald: You're all so foolish! *opens arm cannons*
Dan: Onix, Bind!
Onix: Rarrrrrggghhhh!!! *tries to Bind Emerald Weapon*
Emerald: Stupid snake! *tosses Onix away*
Vormav: You can't battle a Knight! *slices at Emerald*
Emerald: *powers up* Now you're all pissing me off!
Krase: Take this! *slices at Emerald*
Sego: Die, stupid! *blasts Emerald Weapon*
Emerald: That's it! *fires his cannon at a nearby mountain, demolishing it*
Edward: I'll never let you win! Even if it means my own life, you're going down! You'll pay for what you've done! *runs and stabs Emerald Weapon right in the chest*
Emerald: GAH!
Edward: DIE, MONSTER!
Emerald: Ahhhhhh... *falls over*
Dan: Is it dead?
Kimberly: *kicks Emerald* I think so...
Tellah: You killed it! Way to go, Edward!
Edward: Jigglypuff... is gone... *picks up Jigglypuff's lifeless body* You gave everything you had, just to save me.
Gogo: It was a noble effort. It didn't back down, even from a monster it couldn't possibly beat.
Kimberly: It's so sad... *wipes away a tear*
Edward: If only there was something I could do...
Krase: This sucks.
Vormav: Almost makes me want to be a good guy...
Edward: JIGGLYPUFF!!! *kneels down with Jigglypuff* I'll never forget you. What you did for me. No one's ever done anything like that for me... I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you... *begins crying*
Gogo: ...
Malak: ...
*Suddenly, Edward's tear falls on Jigglypuff's forehead*
Jigglypuff: Jigggg... ly?
Edward: Jigglypuff?!
Jigglypuff: Jigggllly...
Edward: You're alive! *hugs Jigglypuff*
Jigglypuff: Jiggggllllyyy...
Gogo: Yay! Jigglypuff's alive!
Kimberly: Edward's love brought Jigglypuff back to life. That's so sweet...
Emerald: Grarrrrggghhh!!! *gets up*
Dan: Emerald Weapon! It's not dead!
Emerald: YOU'RE ALL GONNA PAY!!!
Jigglypuff: *hops out of Edward's arms* Jiggly!
Edward: Jigglypuff! No!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! *salutes Edward*
Edward: No! You'll be killed!
Jigglypuff: *stares at Emerald Weapon* JIGGLY!
Emerald: *powers up his cannon* YOU'RE ALL TOAST!!!
Jigglypuff: *begins to glow* Jiggggaaaaallllyyyy!!! JIGGGAAAAALLLLYYYY!!!! *runs at Emerald, grabs him, and tosses him up in the air, then slams him into the Earth*
Emerald: GAH!!! *falls over*
Jigglypuff: Jiggly...
Dan: OH MY GOD!!! Did you see that?!
Kimberly: Jigglypuff Body Slammed the Emerald Weapon!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly... *falls over*
Edward: Jigglypuff! *runs to Jigglypuff*
Vormav: *looks at Jigglypuff* It's just exhausted.
Kimberly: We should probably get it to a Pokémon center.
Dan: *calls Onix back* Yeah. They all need a break.
Malak: *calls Pidgey back* The map says there's a Pokémon center not far from here. About a half-mile.
Edward: *picks Jigglypuff up* Let's go. Don't worry, Jigglypuff, you'll be all right.
*Elsewhere in the Pokémon world*
Ash: This is a Pokémon Center. It's where you bring your Pokémon when they're tired or have been beat up. Since you've got a Magikarp, you'll probably be here a lot.
Cloud: Ha ha, peon.
Nurse Joy: Hello. Can I help you?
Ash: This is Cloud. His Magikarp needs to be healed. Give her the Pokéball, Cloud.
Cloud: *hands over the Pokéball* Here you go.
Nurse Joy: It'll be just a minute. *looks at Ash* I remember you. What happened to those two people with you?
Ash: Oh, they were... detained.
Nurse Joy: Oh. What a shame. And I thought that Brock boy was serious when he asked me out, too. I would've said yes.
Ash: He's gonna be mad.
*Cloud notices a nearby TV that's on*
Newscaster: *on TV* And in other news, several miles outside of the Safari Zone, there was a huge Earthquake. No one knows exactly what caused it, but now there is a huge crater. Let's talk to one of the officers in charge, Officer Jenny.
Officer Jenny: *on TV* Okay. We don't know what caused this, but we would like to assure people that there is nothing to be alarmed about, and there's no need to panic.
Brock: *on TV* I feel safe, as long as you're around...
Officer Jenny: *on TV* Get back in the Squad Car this instant, or I'll charge you with resisting arrest too!
Ash: What an idiot.
Nurse Joy: So that's what he's doing?! Hmph! I'll never go out with him!
Cloud: I bet I can guess exactly what caused this.
Rafa: You think the others had something to do with this?
Cloud: I'd almost guarantee it. *takes out the PHS and dials a number* Hello?
Edward: *on the phone* Oh, hi, Cloud.
Cloud: I saw the news. Is everything all right?
Edward: *on the phone* Yeah. Everything's all right now. We had a small "encounter" with the Emerald Weapon.
Cloud: The hell? Was anyone hurt?
Edward: *on the phone* Well, some of our Pokémon were bruised up, and I got beat up, but everyone's okay now. Jigglypuff nearly died, or did die, but it's okay now. We got to a Pokémon center. All the Pokémon are back in their Pokéballs now, except Jigglypuff.
Cloud: Jigglypuff? I take it you guys have been successful in catching Pokémon.
Edward: *on the phone* Sure have! Say hi, Jigglypuff!
Jigglypuff: *on the phone* Jiggly!
Edward: *on the phone* That was Jigglypuff. Did you catch anything?
Cloud: Uh... I'll tell you about it later.
Edward: *on the phone* Okay. Anything else?
Cloud: Yeah. Meet us back at the airship. We're ditching this boring world.
Ash: Hey!
Cloud: No offense... heh heh.
Ash: Grrr!
Edward: *on the phone* Okay. We'll meet you there in, uh, say, about an hour?
Cloud: Good. See you there. And don't screw up, peon. *hangs up*
Ash: I just realized, I haven't had a good Pokémon battle in a while.
Cloud: So?
Ash: So? I'm hungry for some championship gold!
Cloud: Yeah...
Rafa: Why don't you ask that kid over there? He has a Pokémon.
Ash: Hey, kid, wanna battle?
Kid: No.
Ash: What kind of Pokémon is that? Dexter...
Pokédex: This-is-not-a-Pokémon-it-is-a-Digimon-they-are-the-enemy.
Ash: Hey! Are you a Digimon spy?
Kid: The name... is Tai. And this is Agumon.
Agumon: Hi!
Ash: Gah! It talked!
Tai: Yeah. We're investigating your inferior world. It's only a matter of time until we take it over.
Ash: I hate your show.
Tai: Ahem. Allow me to sing our theme song...

Digimon, Digital Monsters,
Digimon, Digital Monsters...

Change, into Digital Monsters,
To save, the Digital...
Agumon: WORLD!
Cloud: They're worse than Edward.
Ash: Then I have no choice... I must battle you...
Tai: Whatever. Agumon, show this punk.
Agumon: Pepper Breath! *sets Ash on fire*
Ash: Argh! A fire type! Charizard will battle it!
Tai: Huh?
Ash: Charizard, I choose you! *releases Charizard*
Charizard: Char! *sets Ash on fire*
Ash: Argh! I guess he still won't obey me!
Tai: Agumon, take this punk out.
Agumon: Pepper Breath! *blasts Charizard*
Charizard: Char!!! *stomps the ground, causing Agumon to fall over*
Agumon: He's pretty tough.
Ash: That's it, Charizard!
Charizard: Char! *sets Ash on fire*
Ash: Gah!
Tai: Think you're tough, you overgrown lizard?
Agumon: Don't call me that!
Tai: I was talking to Charizard.
Agumon: Oh... hee hee.
Tai: Agumon, Digivolve! Into Greymon!
Agumon: Agumon, Digivolve into Greymon! *Digivolves into Greymon*
Ash: Holy freakin' crap!
Nurse Joy: Hey! Take this outside! No fighting in here.
Tai: ...
Ash: Uh, sorry.
Cloud: My, what a nice little interlude.
Rafa: This is kinda fun.
Cloud: *puts his arm around Rafa* You said it.
*Later, outside*
Nurse Joy: Fine. Now you can fight.
Ash: Charizard! Uh... Flamethrower!
Charizard: Char! *sets Ash on fire*
Ash: Gah!
Charizard: Char! *blasts Greymon*
Greymon: That's nothing! NOVA BLAST!!! *fires a huge blast at Charizard*
Charizard: CHAR!!! *falls over*
Ash: Charizard! Get up! You can do it!
Tai: Save it. That's not Pikachu. It's not gonna work.
Ash: Pikachu! He can beat it. Charizard, return. *calls Charizard back* Pikachu, go!
Pikachu: Pika pi! *runs at Greymon*
Ash: Quick Attack!
Pikachu: Pika! Pika! *attacks Greymon*
Tai: Uh, Greymon. Nova Blast that punk.
Greymon: NOVA BLAST!!! *blasts Pikachu*
Pikachu: Pika pi! *falls over*
Ash: Crap.
Greymon: Ah. *turns back into Agumon*
Tai: It looks like you need more practice, kid. I'll tell you what. I'll be nice and not beat the crap out of you this time.
Ash: Grrr!
Tai: Later. *walks off with Agumon*
Ash: I have to beat him! That kid's my new rival!
Cloud: I thought Gary was your rival.
Ash: Well, he is... but he sucks. You kicked the crap out of him.
Cloud: Whatever. He was a peon.
Ash: Do you have a rival?
Cloud: Yes. And it's almost time to face off with him.
Rafa: You mean?
Cloud: Yeah. Sephiroth.
Girl: You stupid imbecile! I can't believe you left me in that hole! *hits Ash on the head*
Ash: Ugh... this is Misty.
Misty: Oh, hi.
Cloud: Hmph.
Rafa: Uh, hi.
Ash: Could someone get me some aspirin?
Misty: I'll aspirin you! *hits Ash again*
Ash: Yah! *falls over*
Misty: Now, let's go get Brock out of jail.
Cloud: See you later, Ash. Thanks for your help.
Ash: Bye.
Misty: Shut up! *hits Ash again*
Ash: Ouch!
Cloud: C'mon. Let's go meet up with the others.
Rafa: Okay. I hope my brother is all right.

Chapter 15: Stand Off

*In the Pokémon world*
Edward: Well, we're almost there.
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Dan: After what we've been through, I almost keep waiting for something to happen...
Krase: Why did you have to say that?
Voice: Prepare for trouble!
Another voice: Make it double!
First voice: To protect the world from devastation!
Second voice: To unite all peoples within our nation!
First voice: To denounce the evils of truth and love!
Second voice: To extend our reach to the stars above!
First voice: Jessie!
Second voice: James!
Jessie: Team Rocket, blast off at the speed of light!
James: Surrender now or prepare to fight!
Meowth: Meowth, that's right!
Dan: Boo-ya-CHEE! What do you want?
Jessie: We came to steal your Pokémon!
James: And we won't take no for an answer!
Tellah: Then take Meteo! METEO! *casts Meteo*
James: Argh! *gets burned*
Jessie: Argh! *gets burned*
Tellah: Heh.
Jessie: It'll take more than that to take care of us! Now hand over your Pokémon!
Edward: You won't get Jigglypuff!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Dan: You won't get Onix either!
Malak: Or Pidgey!
Gogo: Or Ditto!
Tellah: Or Zubat!
Krase: Or Metapod!
Vormav: Or Kakuna!
Jessie: ...
James: Are you a Pokémon?
Sego: Do I look like a Pokémon, stupid?
James: Kinda.
Sego: Shut the hell up, stupid.
Jessie: Are those all the Pokémon you have?
Edward: Yeah.
James: Really?
Edward: Yeah.
Jessie: Do you have anything even remotely valuable?
Dan: Uh, no.
James: You guys must suck then.
Gogo: Suck? I'll have you know we are part of the most elite fighting force this side of the universe!
Krase: Yeah!
Jessie: What's it called?
Gogo: Uh...
Krase: Errr...
Kimberly: It doesn't really have a name, yet. It's far too elite to be classified with a "name."
James: Wow, that's pretty elite.
Meowth: Ah, they're just lyin'.
Jessie: I don't know. If they're so elite, maybe we shouldn't mess with them.
Tellah: w3 r h3ll4 l337 d00dz!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111
James: Ahhh...
Jessie: How'd you do that?
Tellah: 1f j00 r l337 j00 c4n 74lk l1k3 7h15 d00dz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111
James: Oooh! I want to be able to talk like that! Then we'd be able to steal Ash's Pikachu!
Jessie: How'd you learn to talk like that?
Tellah: 1 57ud13d f4qz 0n 7h3 1n73rn37 4nd h4xx0r3d 57uff d00dz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111
James: Then we must study these "f4qz."
Jessie: James! You did it!
James: So I did!
Tellah: s33 j00 r w3ll 0n j00r w4y 2 b33cum1ng 1337 h4xx0r d00dz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111
Jessie: 1337!!!!!!!!11111111
James: Jessie! You did it too!
Jessie: I did! Surely we can steal Ash's Pikachu now!
Meowth: 1 w0nd3r 1f 1 c4n 74lk l1k3 7h47???????
Jessie: You did!
James: Yay!
Meowth: Then let's go nab that Pikachu...
Jessie: And Team Rocket will be h3ll4 l337, foo'!
James: And Jessie and James will be too!
*Team Rocket hops in their balloon and flies away*
Dan: Well, that was certainly...
Edward: h3ll4 l4m3!!!!!!11111
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Kimberly: I hope you guys aren't going to keep talking like that.
Tellah: j00 r 4 h07 ch1xx0r w1ll j00 g0 0u7 w17h m33???????
Kimberly: Shut the hell up! *slaps Tellah in the head*
Sego: h4 h4 h4 57up1d j00 r n07 l337 4z m3 d00dz!!!!!!!!!!!11111111
Kimberly: Stop that! *kicks Sego*
Krase: That is pretty damn annoying.
Edward: Let's go meet up with Cloud and Rafa at the airship.
*At the Blackjack*
Sephiroth: They should be here any minute.
Umaro: *tied up in the corner* Un'gh'aaa!
Worker 8: *also tied up* Does not compute! This is not the way!
Tifa: Shut up, you two.
Setzer: Well, I guess I'll just take off with my airship now...
Elmdor: Yeah. Best of luck to you guys...
T.G. Cid: You two aren't going anywhere. We have to keep the Blackjack here so we can ambush Cloud when he gets back, and hopefully turn him back to normal.
Cid Highwind: I can't fix this !@#$ing mech!
Sephiroth: You can't?
Cid Highwind: Hell no. It looks like it was put together by a !@#$ing child! It's a miracle the thing worked at all. I don't even know how the hell it turned Cloud evil, and I don't see how I'm going to get it to turn him back to normal. !@#$! This !@#$ing sucks!
T.G. Cid: We need Mustadio.
Mustadio: *walks up* You called?
Sephiroth: How'd you get here?
Mustadio: I surfed the waves of the Deus Ex Machina.
Sephiroth: Huh?
Mustadio: ...I caught a cab.
Cid Highwind: Can you !@#$ing fix this?
Mustadio: I can give it a try. *looks at it* This looks like it was put together by a child. How did it ever work?
Cid Highwind: That's what I wondered.
Mustadio: If I cross this wire, and this wire... *tinkers around* Now it SHOULD work... I'm not making any promises, though.
Sephiroth: It better work. Because here comes Cloud.
Aeris: Somebody get in it! Quick!
Cid Highwind: *hops in the mech* I'll drive! Hee hee!
Tifa: Everyone else, hide!
Cloud: *climbs on board* They should be here soon. But right now... we're alone...
Rafa: Heh. You're blushing.
Aeris: *hiding* Grrrrrrrr...
Tifa: *hiding* Shh!
Sephiroth: *hiding* This is a sickening display.
Edward: *climbs on board* Here we are, boss.
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Cloud: What the hell is that thing?
Edward: This is Jigglypuff!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Cloud: Can it do anything?
Edward: It can sing. And it kicked the crap out of the Emerald Weapon.
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Cloud: Whatever.
Malak: Hey, sis.
Rafa: Hey. Everything go okay?
Malak: Yeah. I got a Pidgey! *holds up a Pokéball*
Agahnim: And where's my pretty little mech? There it is! Yes, there it is!
Mustadio: *hiding* That was pretty sick too.
*The mech begins moving*
Agahnim: What the hell?
Cid Highwind: Sorry, Cloud! This is gonna !@#$ing hurt me more than it hurts you!
Cloud: The hell? Cid?
Cid Highwind: Time to turn you good! *blasts at Cloud*
Cloud: *draws Ultima Weapon and spins it really fast, blocking the blast* It'll take more than that to take out the best damn SOLDIER in the business.
Sephiroth: You never were in SOLDIER, you fraud.
Cloud: I didn't have to be to kick the crap out of you..
Everybody: *steps back*
Sephiroth: So you want to start that again? I ought to come over there and hammer a hole in your head.
Cloud: Don't you want me to turn my back first? Or maybe I should start praying. That's how you operate, isn't it?
Sephiroth: Son, you're seriously starting to piss me off.
Cloud: You burned my hometown, and I'm pissing you off?
Cid Highwind: Heads up! *fires another blast*
Cloud: *blocks it with the Ultima Weapon* Why don't you losers just give up?
Sephiroth: Why are we doing this again?
Mustadio: Because we're good guys!
Aeris: Because we're Cloud's friends!
Tifa: Because we want the old Cloud back!
Algus: Because we want this damn airship!
Elmdor: Shut the hell up.
Algus: Sorry.
Cloud: Sorry to disappoint you, but get the hell off MY airship, peons. *grabs the wheel and cuts it sharply to the right. Everyone but Rafa, who he's holding by the waist, falls to the side*
Setzer: It's not your airship. It's mine!
Cloud: Yeah? Well, in two minutes it's about to belong to that mountain, because I've laid in a course to hit that mountain. I'm not changing it unless you people get out. Peons.
Sephiroth: Grrr...
Tifa: What should we do?
T.G. Cid: It takes more than an exploding airship to kill me. Heck, I've survived that before. I have a pleasing feeling! I'm not too sure about the rest of you, though.
Sephiroth: Everyone. Get off. I'll try to stay here and talk some sense into him. Or beat it into him.
Cloud: Just like when you were in SOLDIER. All talk.
Cid Highwind: Come on, everyone. Climb onto the !@#$ing mech and I'll set you down onto the Highwind.
*Everyone climbs on, and the mech flies off and sets everyone down on the Highwind, then comes back. The Highwind hovers above the Blackjack, and Cid is still in the mech*
Cloud: One other thing, "Sephy-chan."
Sephiroth: You're starting to piss me off. What is it?
Cloud: I love playing you like a violin. Anyway, that mech... it's mine.
*Cloud's sword starts glowing*
Sephiroth: The hell?
Cloud: Let me show you a new trick I've developed. I call it... the Cloudheart. *flies up into the air and does a copy of the Lionheart on the mech, then lands back on the Blackjack*
Cid Highwind: !@#$!!! *jumps onto the Highwind, whereas the mech crashes onto the deck of the Blackjack*
Agahnim: My mech!
Cloud: Now, Seph, you'd better leave. This airship is going to hit a mountain in about a minute.
Sephiroth: I can teleport away. I'm not leaving until the last second. So if you continue this, you'll only kill yourself and your new cohorts. I can get away anytime.
Cloud: But you can't fight and teleport at the same time. And I'd love to kill you right here and right now.
Sephiroth: So that's how it's going to be, eh?
Cloud: You'd better make up your mind. You can teleport away and we'll all live, or you can have all these people's blood on your hands, as well as mine and your own. But then, the blood of innocents on your hands never bothered you before, did it?
Sephiroth: I hate you.
Cloud: Heh heh. Good.
Sephiroth: Okay. Fine. I'll leave. But I'll be back. That's a promise. *teleports away*
Cloud: Hugs and kisses. Peon. *changes the course and flies away from the mountains*
Edward: That was a pretty dangerous wager you made with him.
Cloud: I knew he wouldn't do it. He's weak. He's a peon. The stupid fool.
Rafa: That was so brave. *kisses Cloud*
Cloud: Uh... heh heh...
Rafa: You're blushing again.
Cloud: Uh... yeah.
Dan: Where are we going next, boss?
Cloud: To the Thousand Arms world.
Dan: Why?
Edward: To pick up chicks! Yay!
Cloud: No. I have an old friend to pick up. He's been hitting bars all over all the video game worlds. He should be there right about now. Plus, it's a nice place to take over.
Malak: Who is it?
Cloud: You'll see. Agahnim, fix that mech up.
Agahnim: Okay. I hope it isn't scrapped.

Chapter 16: Redemption

*In the Thousand Arms world*
Cloud: Here we are. This is the town of Boyzby.
Dan: So who's your old friend?
Cloud: You'll see in it a minute. He should be here in the Amigo Tavern. I have to go talk to him alone. Agahnim, you stay here and finish fixing the mech. Umaro and Worker 8 can stay here on guard.
Edward: What about the rest of us?
Cloud: You guys just... do whatever. Go look around town or something. Rafa, you're in charge of them.
Rafa: Heh. Thanks.
Edward: I thought I was in charge!
Cloud: You thought wrong, peon. Now, let's go.
*In the Highwind*
Cid Highwind: We !@#$ed up again! Now how are we gonna find him?
T.G. Cid: *with headphones on* I just got word from the Thousand Arms Cid that he's in the Thousand Arms world!
Cid Highwind: !@#$!!! There's a Thousand Arms Cid too? What the !@#$?
Sephiroth: Then that's where we're going.
Setzer: This time, as soon as I get my airship, we're leaving.
Elmdor: That's right. If you guys want to rescue Cloud, that's your business.
Algus: Right.
Elmdor: Shut up, Algus.
Algus: Right.
Tifa: That's pathetic. After all Cloud did to save you, Setzer.
Setzer: Well...
Elmdor: He didn't do anything to save me! He let that madman kill me! *points at Sephiroth*
Sephiroth: Yeah, and he's not here to stop me now. So I can easily pitch you overboard right now.
Elmdor: Stay away from me, you maniac.
Sephiroth: ... *glares at Elmdor*
Elmdor: Fol... low... Mas... ter... Seph... iroth... north... Hey! Quit that!
Sephiroth: Heh. Now let's go to the Thousand Arms world.
Cid Highwind: Just a !@#$ing minute! Dukes is on!
Setzer: Dukes?! Cool!
Aeris: Cid. Now!
Cid Highwind: Grrrrr... fine... *takes off*
Setzer: *shouting at the TV* NO! Boss Hogg is waitin' for you that way! Go the other way!
*In the Amigo Tavern*
Man: Give me a glass of whiskey.
Bartender: I think you've had enough.
Man: I'll tell you when I've had enough.
Bartender: I've got no objection to giving you more liquor. But I'm not putting it on your tab again. You have to pay now, or you can get out.
Man: What you say !!
Cloud: Give him the damn whiskey, peon. It's on me. *tosses some money on the counter*
Bartender: Fine. It's your money.
Man: Thanks, pal... say, don't I know you?
Cloud: You don't remember me?
Man: Not particularly.
Cloud: C'mon. Look closer.
Man: I don't recognize you, pal. Sorry. Thanks for the drink, though.
Cloud: You spent five years looking at only me and one other person, and you don't recognize me. You idiot.
Man: Wait... five years... I remember you... Cloud...?
Cloud: That's right, Zack.
Zack: You left me for dead!
Cloud: You were dead.
Zack: That's no excuse! What do you want?
Cloud: Things have changed. I'm the leader of an army. I want you to join. To help us out.
Zack: Why should I?
Cloud: It beats sitting here and getting drunk for the rest of your life. What have you got to lose?
Zack: I should just kick your ass for what happened back then.
Cloud: You can't.
Zack: I was in SOLDIER!
Cloud: You sucked. Besides, we don't need to fight. It's all Sephiroth's fault. And Hojo's. Sephiroth's trying to stop me right now.
Zack: Sephiroth's here?
Cloud: Not yet. But he will be, when he finds out where I'm at.
Zack: I'd love to pay him back for what he did to me.
Cloud: Now's your chance. Join me. It's only a matter of time until we meet up with him again. You can get your revenge on him. And then nothing will stand in our way when we go after Hojo.
Zack: Hojo... I'd like to get a piece of him too. I wonder what he's doing now?
*In Midgar*
Hojo: *walking down a street with a crutch* Damn that ingrate son of mine! He nearly killed me at the Gold Saucer! Good thing Shinra has such a good medical plan.
Vicks: *moving a piano above* Easy... easy... we've just got to get it in the window...
Wedge: *helping Vicks* I've got it... I've got it... OH CRAP! I DON'T GOT IT!!! *falls*
Vicks: ARRRGGGHHH!!! *falls, along with the piano and Wedge, and all three land on Hojo*
Hojo: ARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!
Bystander: Oh my God! Hojo killed Vicks and Wedge! You bastard!
Hojo: Somebody get these two guys and this damn piano off me! Help! I'm injured, damn it!
Bystander: Uh oh. Someone should probably call an ambulance...
Bystander 2: Got your wallet! Ha ha!
Hojo: Come back with my wallet, you punk!
*In the Amigo Tavern*
Cloud: I'm sure he's getting what he deserves. Sephiroth nearly killed him too.
Zack: Attacking his own father. Those two are a screwed-up pair.
Cloud: You said it. So, how about it? You join me, and we'll take out Sephiroth together. Hell, we'll take over the world! We can even get Shinra back.
Zack: I like the way you think. You're different than before. I'm in!
Cloud: Good to have you back.
*Elsewhere in Boyzby*
Dan: So what do we do?
Rafa: There's nothing to do. Just meet back at the airship in about an hour. I guess we can go enjoy ourselves until then.
Dan: You're a good leader!
Edward: There's two taverns in this town, and I hear the other has a hot chick in it! That's where I'm headed! *leaves*
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! *follows Edward*
Tellah: Wait for me, Edward! *leaves as well*
Gogo: Me too! *leaves as well*
Kimberly: Hm. I wonder what there is to do in this town for a girl? *wanders off*
Malak: An hour, huh? That gives us enough time to run to Kant and back.
Vormav: I'm with you! I hear there's hot chicks over there too!
Krase: Oh! Count me in!
Malak: Let's go! *leaves with Krase and Vormav*
Sego: This sucks. I'm gonna go hustle some people. Later. *leaves*
*In Boyzby's other illustrious tavern*
Edward: That Kyoka chick is fine. I bet she'd go out with me.
Tellah: No way. She does look like she'd be interested in a hot mage like me, though. B33cuz 1m l337 d00dz!!!!!!!111111
Gogo: You'll never get her. You're old enough to be her father.
Tellah: I'm young at heart, and with this new body, I'm also physically young. Later, suckers!
*walks over to Kyoka*
Gogo: He is so messed up.
Tellah: Hey, babe, what's up?
Kyoka: Oh, not much. Hi. I'm Kyoka.
Tellah: I'm Tellah, the mage.
Kyoka: Weren't you in Final Fantasy IV?
Tellah: No. I'm way too young for that. That was my dad.
Kyoka: Oh. I thought he died in it.
Tellah: He did. We don't like to talk about it.
Kyoka: Oh. Sorry.
Tellah: So, can I buy you a drink?
Kyoka: Well, I'm too young to drink.
Tellah: I'm already drunk on your beauty.
Kyoka: Oh, that's so sweet. Good thing my brother's not here, though, or he'd probably beat you up. He's very protective.
Tellah: Your brother? Who's that?
Kyoka: Soushi. He's a samurai.
Tellah: A samurai? Please. I'm an expert mage. I take out two or three of those a day. He wouldn't stand a chance.
Kyoka: I dunno. He's pretty good.
Tellah: He wouldn't stand a chance.
Kyoka: Hey, there he is now!
Soushi: *walks up* Hey, sis, how's it going?
Tellah: Argh!
Kyoka: Oh, fine.
Soushi: Is this guy bothering you?
Kyoka: Not really. He did say he could take you out, though.
Soushi: Oh, really?
Tellah: Listen, I've got no problem with you, so I'll just warn you. I'm an expert mage. Don't go messing with me.
Soushi: Uh, yeah, sure.
Tellah: As long as we understand each other.
Soushi: Kyoka, why do you hang around losers like this?
Tellah: Okay, that's it. No one calls Tellah the Mage a loser. You, me, outside, right now!
Soushi: Fine. *walks out*
Tellah: Back in a minute, hon. *winks at Kyoka and leaves*
Edward: Uh oh. He's in trouble.
Gogo: Yep.
*Outside*
Tellah: I'm not holding back!
Soushi: *shrug* Whatever you want.
Tellah: Let's go! Meteor!
Soushi: *runs and kicks Tellah, then uppercuts him, and slices his shirt to ribbons*
Tellah: Yah!
Soushi: Any closer and you'd be dead. Still want to fight?
Tellah: That's okay! Thanks!
Soushi: Stay away from my sister, you scrub. *leaves*
*Inside*
Tellah: Damn. That dude was bad.
Edward: Is he gone now?
Tellah: Yeah, he left.
Edward: Good. Heh heh. My turn!
Tellah: Like you stand a chance with her.
Edward: But I've got a secret weapon.
Gogo: What?
Edward: Women can't resist cute animals. Jigglypuff, I choose you!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Edward: Ha ha ha ha!
Tellah: Good idea. Too bad Zubat isn't cute.
Edward: Watch me work my magic. *walks over to Kyoka, carrying Jigglypuff*
Kyoka: Oooh! What a cute creature! What is it?
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Edward: That's Jigglypuff. He's a Pokémon.
Kyoka: Oh! It's soooo cute!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! Jiggly!
Edward: Yeah, and powerful too. He beat up the Emerald Weapon.
Kyoka: No way! THE Emerald Weapon?
Edward: One and the same. Picked him up and body slammed him good.
Kyoka: Wow!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Kyoka: So, what's your name?
Edward: I'm Edward the Bard.
Kyoka: How long are you going to be in town?
Edward: Well, unfortunately, I have to leave in a little while. I'll probably be around the Thousand Arms world for a while though. My friends and I are... uh, sorta planning on staying.
Kyoka: Well, why don't you give me a call sometime? Here's my number. *hands Edward a piece of paper with her phone number on it*
Edward: Thanks, I will.
Kyoka: See you later. *leaves*
Edward: Score!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! *high-fives Edward*
Gogo: Damn, dude. You got the skeelz, bro!
Edward: What can I say?
Gogo: I was talking to Jigglypuff.
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Tellah: Let's get out of here.
*Elsewhere in Boyzby*
Kimberly: Man, this world sucks. It's all about cute chicks. How come I don't see any cute guys?
Meis: *walks up* Hey, you look kind of down. Want some company?
Kimberly: Uh... sure... *smiles*
Meis: I'm Meis Triumph!
Kimberly: I'm Kimberly.
Meis: So, you wanna go somewhere romantic? There's an airstrip on the other side of town.
Kimberly: Sure... sounds great.
*In Kant*
Vormav: That chick by the tree just won't talk to me!
Malak: No wonder. You're old enough to be her father.
Krase: She won't talk to me either.
Malak: No offense, but you're butt ugly.
Krase: Looks aren't everything.
Malak: Still, dude, you're pretty ugly.
Krase: Ungh.
Vormav: This sucks.
Malak: Let me work my magic. *walks up to the girl* Hi. I'm Malak. What's up?
Girl: Oh. I'm Mil. Hi.
Malak: So, Mil, what are you doing?
Mil: Oh, I'm studying. Say, can you leave me alone?
Malak: Okay. Why?
Mil: I've something to think about right now.
Malak: So, what are you worried about?
Mil: I was thinking of a way to measure the mass of this planet.
Malak: Oh, that. That was solved a long time ago.
Mil: Oh.
Malak: What are you doing?
Mil: It's a method to measure the distance between this planet and the moon.
Malak: Do you have a method to measure the distance?
Mil: Not really. Do you have any ideas?
Malak: If I knew, I'd tell you.
Mil: Aw. This sucks.
Malak: Anyway, I'll help you!
Mil: I'd love to have help on my research!
Malak: Research, huh...? Can I consider this a date?
Mil. I guess. Are you working too hard for this?
Malak: No! Really!
*In Boyzby*
Sego: Come on! Step up and make a wager! Find the red Jack and win a prize!
Muza: That's just a big hustle.
Sego: Shut up, stupid! Come on, try your luck!
Muza: ...okay. *tosses some money down*
Sego: Now, choose a card.
Muza: The middle one. *picks it up* Damn!
Sego: Heh heh. Care to try again?
Muza: ...okay. *tosses more money down* The one on the left. *lifts it up* DAMN!
Sego: Ha ha ha! You suck! C'mon, try once more to get your money back!
Muza: ...okay. *tosses more money down* The one on the righ-
Sego: Heh heh.
Muza: Er... left!
Sego: Uh oh.
Muza: *lifts it up* Damn!
Sego: Ha ha ha! Wanna go again?
Muza: ...okay... *throws more money down*
*Elsewhere*
Kimberly: Wow, Meis, you seem like a really sweet guy. Are you seeing anyone?
Meis: No. You're the only one for me. You're my soulmate.
Kimberly: Wow, I feel the same way. You're so sweet! *kisses Meis on the cheek*
Meis: Aw... *blushes*
Voice: MEIS! I can't believe you brought someone here! I thought this was our spot!
Meis: Sodina! Uh... I can explain!
Sodina: Meis, you little rat! *slaps Meis*
Kimberly: Hey! I thought you said I was the only one for you! *slaps Meis*
Meis: This sucks!
Kimberly: Get out of my sight!
Meis: Yikes. Later, girls! *runs away*
Sodina: Come back here! *runs after Meis*
Kimberly: Well, dammit.
Soushi: *wanders up* Someone as pretty as you shouldn't look so blue. *hands Kimberly a rose*
Kimberly: Aw, that's so sweet.
Soushi: I'm Soushi. What's your name?
Kimberly: I'm Kimberly. Nice to meet you, Soushi.
Soushi: Nice to meet you too. When I saw you, I knew I couldn't let the chance to meet such an enchanting girl go to waste. I just had to come up and say hello.
Kimberly: (Wow! What a charmer!) You say the sweetest things...
Soushi: How could I not, when speaking to such an enchanting girl?
*Elsewhere in Boyzby*
Dan: Damn. I bet everyone else has already hooked up with someone. I want a cute girl too.
Kyleen: Hey, how's it going?
Dan: Oh, hi... Oh! Wow! I mean, hi!
Kyleen: I'm Kyleen Nelphe. What's your name?
Dan: Oh, I'm Dan!
Kyleen: Nice to meet you, Dan. Say, let's go somewhere to talk.
Dan: Oh, okay! But, where do you want to go?
Kyleen: Oh, how about the most expensive restaurant in town. You do have money, right?
Dan: Uh, yeah, I guess.
Kyleen: Then let's go! Follow me! *leaves*
Dan: Okay! *follows Kyleen*
*Elsewhere*
Muza: Man, this sucks! I just lost 20000 dollars to a gold brick!
Sego: A sentient evil gold brick! Ha ha! Stupid!
Muza: Dammit! *leaves*
Kyleen: *stops* Wow. A card game. I'm good at these. Want to play, Dan?
Dan: *also stops* Yeah, I guess. Watch out, though. Sego's a card shark.
Sego: You're damn straight, stupid. Now pay first!
Kyleen: DAN... aren't you going to pay?
Dan: Okay. How much?
Sego: How much you wanna bet?
Kyleen: Oh, about 500 or 600 dollars.
Dan: Damn. That's a lot!
Sego: Coward! Stupid!
Kyleen: C'mon, Dan.
Dan: Okay. *tosses 600 dollars down*
Sego: Okay. Find the red jack and win a prize. *moves the cards around*
Kyleen: The one on the left.
Sego: Ha ha! *turns over the cards* Huh? You're... right?
Kyleen: Ha ha.
Sego: Here's your money. *hands Kyleen 1200 dollars* Now get out of here.
Kyleen: Thanks. *stuffs it in her pocket*
Dan: What about my 600 dollars?
Sego: Ha ha! Stupid!
Kyleen: Well, let's go to dinner! You're buying!
Dan: Man... this is expensive.
Sego: Love always is, stupid.
*Outside Boyzby*
Rafa: I wish everyone would hurry up.
Agahnim: Finally! The mech is fixed! My cute little mech is fixed! Yes it is! Yes it is!
Rafa: *sigh*
Edward: *walks up with Tellah and Gogo* Yes! Yes yes yes! Boo ya! I got her number!
Tellah: Yeah, you gloat now. If her brother hadn't come along, she'd be begging me to stay.
Edward: Ah, you're just jealous, you old geezer.
Gogo: Man, Jigglypuff must be your lucky charm, Edward.
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Edward: Yeah, with Jigglypuff I could revive Tellah again and get my revenge!
Gogo: Edward, we already did tha-
Sego: *walks up* You already did that, stupid.
Edward: What? Oh, yeah. I did, didn't I? Well, I'd been contemplating it so long, it got lodged in my brain.
Tellah: So, how did "hustling" go?
Sego: Well, I won a bunch of money off of this Muza dork, but Dan's friend swiped 1200 dollars off of me.
Dan: *walks up* Yeah? Well, she took me for several thousand.
Sego: Ha ha! Stupid!
Dan: *sigh* Love hurts.
Kimberly: *walks up* Yes! I think I'm in love, and it rocks!
Dan: *sigh*
Edward: What happened?
Kimberly: I met this hot guy named Meis...
Rafa: Meis? He's a total mack.
Kimberly: Yeah! And then his girlfriend Sodina dragged him away.
Dan: What's so great about that?
Kimberly: Then I met this even hotter guy named Soushi! Oooh, he was soooo hot! I'm in love! I gave him my number! I hope he calls me!
Malak: *walks up with Krase and Vormav* Yes! Yes yes yes! Boo ya! I got her number!
Edward: Me too! Who's number did you get?
Malak: This chick named Mil in Kant!
Edward: Wicked! I got this hot chick named Kyoka's number at the bar in Boyzby!
Kimberly: Soushi said he had a sister named Kyoka...
Edward: ...Whatever.
Vormav: Man, girls won't give me the time of day. What's wrong with me?
Kimberly: Well, from a woman, let me give you some advice.
Vormav: Yeah?
Kimberly: Girls... women... like successful guys.
Vormav: So?
Kimberly: So? Become a success! You've had three jobs: scheming Divine Knight, evil villain/demon, and McDonald's manager.
Vormav: Clerk.
Kimberly: Whatever.
Vormav: Yeah, I guess I am sort of a loser. *shrug*
Krase: So? At least you're pretty! All you Tactics people are! Look at me! I can never get a date!
Kimberly: Looks don't matter to most women.
Krase: They don't...?
Kimberly: No... well, okay. I lied. Hell yeah, they matter.
Krase: Damn.
Cloud: *walks up* Well, people. Let's get going.
Rafa: Cloud! *runs up to Cloud and hugs him*
Cloud: Hi, Rafa. So, did everything go okay?
Rafa: Yeah. I think everyone was due for some shore leave.
Cloud: Well, Zack. This is my girlfriend, Rafa.
Zack: Uh... hi. I thought you were dating Tifa... or Aeris... or somebody.
Cloud: No. I forgot about them, heh, literally, when I lost my memory. Then I got my memory back, only I don't seem to care. Rafa's the only one I care about.
Rafa: Heh. *hugs Cloud*
Zack: Oh. Hm.
Cloud: Everyone, this is Zack, former SOLDIER, first class.
Tellah: Was he really in SOLDIER, or is he just a fraud like you?
Cloud: Shut the hell up, peon. You want me to break you?
Tellah: Sorry. Geez.
Cloud: Is there anything to take over around here?
Kimberly: Soushi told me the big evil guys' hideout is Dianova.
Cloud: Perfect. We'll take that over while we're waiting for Sephiroth to show up.
Edward: We're waiting for Sephiroth to show up?
Cloud: Yes. Zack and I are going to take care of Sephiroth... permanently.

Chapter 17: Schemes and Dreams

*At Dianova, in the Thousand Arms world*
Dan: So, what are we looking for?
Cloud: The Dark Emperor. We're going to kill him. Then we'll take this world over. By that time, Sephiroth will be here, and we can get rid of him too.
Edward: Brilliant! That's almost as brilliant as my plan to resurrect Tellah!
Sego: You already did that, stupid.
Edward: Oh yeah.
Kimberly: That place is probably heavily guarded.
Cloud: I don't care. I'm sure we can take care of anything they have in there. Is the mech ready yet, Agahnim?
Agahnim: *working on the mech* No. Not yet. You really !@#$ed it up good with that "Cloudheart."
Cloud: Damn straight, peon. I have to teach Sephiroth and his goons a lesson. And the next time we meet up, he will learn a lesson.
Zack: Man, I can't wait to get a piece of that guy! And Shinra too!
Cloud: Don't worry. You'll get your chance.
Edward: So now what?
Cloud: Well, we go in. But we have to divide into two groups, so we can make sure he doesn't get away.
Dan: Ooh! Ooh! Can I lead the second group?
Cloud: No, peon.
Dan: Awwww.
Malak: How do you know he's going to try to escape?
Cloud: If you were up against me, wouldn't you try to escape?
Malak: Yeah, but I suck.
Cloud: So does he. Have you ever played Thousand Arms?
Malak: No.
Cloud: Trust me, he sucks. Add to that the fact that I can knock off nearly 40000 hp per turn, if I'm NOT using my Limit Break, and he's pretty much screwed.
Dan: But what if he meets up with the sucky group?
Cloud: Ha! That's my plan! If he does meet up with the sucky group, he's likely to try to go the other way because there'll be less people in my party. Then when he meets up with me, it's all over.
Sego: That's brilliant!
Cloud: Of course it is, peon.
Malak: Two parties, huh? I bet I can guess who the first party is.
Cloud: Okay. Agahnim, you stay here and fix the mech. Umaro and Worker 8, you stay here and guard the airship with him.
Dan: What are the parties, boss?
Cloud: Party number 1: Rafa and I. Party number 2: Everyone else, led by Zack.
Zack: Boo ya!
Dan: Damn!
Edward: Damn! How come he gets to be second-in-command?
Cloud: Because I said so, peon. Now, let's go. *leaves, with Rafa, as the other party goes the other way*
*Elsewhere in the Thousand Arms world*
Tifa: Where is Cloud now?
T.G. Cid: *listening to his earphones* Thousand Arms Cid says he's at Dianova.
Mustadio: How on earth could he know that?
T.G. Cid: Skeelz, dawg.
Setzer: I can't wait to get my airship back. I think I'll have a party... a Dukes of Hazzard marathon party.
Cid Highwind: Hell yeah!
Elmdor: I'm starting to wonder why I came along.
Algus: Me too.
Elmdor: Shut the hell up, Algus.
Algus: Yes, sir.
Sephiroth: Soon, Cloud... soon...
*At Dianova*
Zack: All right, let's go, peons.
Malak: Stop trying to act like Cloud.
Zack: Act like Cloud?! Why you! Cloud acts like ME! I was the original!
Vormav: Cloud didn't start saying peon until he was turned evil.
Zack: Uh... uh... oh, look! There's some enemies! Hey, over here!
Krase: What are you doing? We don't want to fight!
Zack: Nonsense! You need the experience!
Dan: No, we need to not cause a scene.
Damashi: I'm SlOwLy CoMiNg To GeT yOu!!! *flies over to Zack and company*
Edward: Zack, you don't know the first thing about leading.
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Zack: Shut the hell up! Respect my authoritah!
Sego: No! You suck, stupid!
Zack: Complain later! Here comes a Damashi!
Damashi: I wIlL rOxXoR yOu DuDe!!!
Vormav: Gasp! Mixed caps!
Tellah: Mixed caps? I just thought he was l337, d00dz!
Damashi: I Am LeEt DoOdZ!!!
Dan: How do you talk like that?
Damashi: It IsN't EaSy, MaN.
Edward: So do you like, want to fight us?
Damashi: No. I jUsT wAnT oUt Of ThIs DaMn MaZe.
Zack: Perfect! *drops down, impaling the Damashi*
Dan: Why did you do that? He didn't even want to fight!
Zack: It was just a rouse! He planned to attack us and take our souls!
Kimberly: I've played Thousand Arms before. I'm pretty sure Damashi can't take your soul.
Vormav: You like macking chicks too, huh?
Kimberly: Shut up.
Damashi: AnYwAyZ i Am A gHoSt So YoUr SuCkY bUsTeR sWoRd WoN't KiLl Me DuDe.
Zack: Oh no! We have no choice but to retreat!
Sego: He doesn't want to fight, stupid!
Zack: Regardless, let's go!
Dan: No! You're incompetant. I'm removing you from command!
Zack: Never! I'll go with you too, if you want! *draws Buster Sword*
Edward: Jigglypuff, I choose you!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Edward: Jigglypuff, sing Zack a song!
Jigglypuff: Jigggallllly puff, Jiggggallllllyy-galllleeeee...
Zack: *goes to sleep, along with everyone else except Edward and Jigglypuff* Zzzzzz...
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! *blows up like a balloon, then draws on people's faces*
Edward: Ha ha! Only I am unaffected! My bardly skills of Sing, Hide, and not falling asleep make me the perfect leader.
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! *hops back onto Edward's shoulder*
Edward: Now let's wake these people up... *goes around waking everyone up, except for Damashi and Zack*
Dan: Should we wake up this Damashi?
Edward: Hm... nah, let him sleep, along with Zack. When they wake up they can fight if they want.
Dan: So we're leaving Zack here?
Edward: Why not? The entrance isn't far, so when he finds us gone, he'll go back. Surely he wouldn't be stupid enough to look for us in a maze.
Sego: I dunno. He IS Zack. He's pretty dense.
Kimberly: True. Hmmm... I've got an idea. Anyone have a pen and a piece of paper?
Krase: Yeah. Here. *hands Kimberly a pen and paper*
Kimberly: *writing* Okay, how does this sound: "Zack, I found your lazy ass sleeping. You looked so stupid, I couldn't wake you up, peon. But when you wake up, go back to the airship or I'll kick your ass, peon. We'll be there shortly. Sincerely, Cloud Strife."
Edward: Wonderful!
Kimberly: *lays the note down next to Zack* No one is better than me at forgery.
Krase: Forgery? So can you forge me a new sword?
Kimberly: No that kind of forgery.
Sego: She forges documents and stuff, stupid.
Dan: You know. Like faking stuff.
Krase: Oh, faking stuff. Yeah. Girls do that with me all the time.
Edward: Ewww...
Vormav: Ugh.
Dan: Ewww... mental image.
Edward: Ew ew ew ew ew ewwwww!
Sego: Thanks for sharing that with us, stupid.
Krase: They keep telling me they're "washing their hair." I know they just don't want to go out with me. *sob*
Dan: Oh... is that what you meant?
Krase: Of course. What did you think I meant by "faking stuff?"
Vormav: Errr... nevermind.
Sego: Yeah, stupid.
Krase: Okay. *shrug*
Edward: Anyway, since I'm the most qualified leader here...
Gogo: You are?
Edward: Yes.
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Gogo: Oh.
Edward: I say we go onward, and leave Zack and the Damashi here.
Dan: You already said that. And anyway, I want to be leader!
Edward: I'll Pokémon battle you for it!
Dan: No. Aw, crap. Stupid Onix.
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
*Elsewhere in Dianova*
Cloud: Hm. I wonder where that peon is?
Rafa: I wonder if we'll have to fight him and the rest of the Mecha Five too?
Cloud: I don't care. I can take them all on.
Rafa: You can beat anyone.
Cloud: Yes. And when Sephiroth shows up, I'll prove it.
Rafa: You don't have to prove it to me.
Cloud: No... maybe not. But I have to prove it to myself. And I have to prove it to Sephiroth.
Voice: Sounds like you have some unresolved issues, hm?
Cloud: Who the hell said that? *draws Ultima Weapon*
Voice: *drops down in front of Cloud* It is I, Bandiger, the great Hunter of Love! And my search has led me here! In the interest of love, justice, and goodness, I demand your valuables, sir and madam.
Cloud: *gets in a battle stance* Come get them, peon.
Bandiger: You expect moi to fight you? Uno momento please!
Cloud: Either fight me or get the hell out of here, peon. I'm not giving you any money.
Bandiger: When you put it that way, I guess I have no choice.
Cloud: Damn straight.
Bandiger: Bandiger Spin! *hits Cloud*
Cloud: Ooooh, that's it. I'm gonna beat you so bad, your daddy won't recognize you!
Bandiger: Oh, dear. You seem to be a very bad man.
Cloud: I'm the baddest you'll ever meet.
Bandiger: Uh... would it help if I beg your forgiveness?
Cloud: What's in it for me?
Bandiger: Hm... I don't have anything, except my clothes.
Rafa: Don't take his clothes, Cloud! Please!
Cloud: I don't want to see him naked either. And I don't think that ensemble would look good on me.
Bandiger: Well then, can I go?
Cloud: Hm... I'll tell you what. If you can defeat one of my monsters, I'll let you go. If you lose, you have to do what I say.
Bandiger: Oh, my! How dominant!
Cloud: Shut up. Do you agree?
Bandiger: Errr... okay.
Cloud: *pulls out a piece of materia* Mystery summon! Show us the power of the unknown!
*The Ruby Weapon appears*
Ruby: Damn. And I was just about to eat. Where am I? Hey, I ain't dead!
Cloud: Get him!
Bandiger: Oh my! That thing is BIG!
Ruby: Rrrrarrrggghhh! *sticks his claws under the floor*
Bandiger: They say size matters, but this is ridiculous!
Cloud: If you stand there slackjawed, you'll never win.
Bandiger: Bandiger Spin! *hits Ruby a few times*
Ruby: Ha ha ha! You suck!
Cloud: C'mon. If Edward and Jigglypuff can beat the Emerald Weapon, surely you can beat the Ruby Weapon.
Bandiger: *dodging attacks* I'm good, but I'm not THAT good!
Cloud: Heck, I'll even loan you my Pokémon. (Maybe it'll evolve.) *tosses the Pokémon to Bandiger*
Bandiger: This is better than nothing, I guess. Pokémon, I choose you!
Magikarp: *appears* Carp, carp! Magikarp!
Bandiger: Oh crap! That one sucks.
Ruby: Ha ha ha! Magikarp sucks! *stomps Magikarp*
Magikarp: KARP!!! *passes out*
Bandiger: Magikarp, return! So much for that.
Cloud: Grrr! He stomped my Magikarp! That pisses me off! *starts glowing*
Bandiger: Uh oh.
Ruby: Whatcha gonna do? Ha ha ha!
Cloud: Arrrrggggghhhhhh! *does the Cloudheart on Ruby Weapon*
Ruby: No!!! Defeated again! Argh! At least I didn't get a Final Flash through the chest again.
*disappears*
Cloud: Give me my Magikarp.
Bandiger: Ulp. Here you go. *tosses Cloud the Pokéball*
Cloud: Stupid Weapon. I just remembered how much I hate those guys. When I take over the FFVII world, I think I'll get rid of them too.
Bandiger: So, did I win?
Cloud: No.
Bandiger: I guess that means I have to work for you, huh?
Cloud: Well, you suck, but... yes, you still have to work for me.
Bandiger: Crap.
Cloud: C'mon, peon.
Rafa: So someone else joins our merry band of adventurers.
*Elsewhere in Dianova*
Dan: This sucks. We're lost in this maze, Edward.
Edward: No... we just don't know where we are.
Tellah: That's what he said, you spoony bard!
Edward: Don't call me that! And I'm not lost!
Kimberly: Just ask directions!
Edward: There's no one to ask. Besides, I'm a MAN. I don't ask for directions.
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Malak: Yeah. Anyone knows that.
Kimberly: Idiots. Why don't you ask that dark glowing guy with a cape up there?
Tellah: Dark glowing guy with a cape?
Kimberly: Wait! Oh crap! That's the Dark Emperor!
Dan: Quick! Hide!
Tellah: But don't we have to scare him so he'll go the other way and meet up with Cloud?
Edward: Right. Oh, crap. What's the scariest thing we have?
Dan: Onix, I guess.
Edward: Use it!
Dan: No! He might kill it!
Edward: Dammit. I wish Zack was here.
Zack: I'll kill you!!! *runs up and starts hacking on the Dark Emperor*
Edward: What's he doing?
Dark Emperor: Who are you, impetuous whelp?
Zack: You worst nightmare, punk! I'm the best! I'm Zack, SOLDIER, First Class.
Dark Emperor: Why did I hire such morons to guard my maze? And why did I make it so hard to get out of? Where's the damn exit?
Zack: I don't work for you! I'm here to kill you!
Dark Emperor: You and everyone else. Get in line.
Zack: Didn't you hear me? I'm Zack! I'm number one!
Dark Emperor: Then I'll dispose of you first! Ha ha ha!
Dan: Dude, do something. Cloud'll be pissed if Zack gets killed!
Edward: Aw, crap. Being leader sucks.
Dan: Let me be leader then.
Edward: Errr... okay.
Dan: Onix, I choose you! *calls out Onix*
Onix: Rrrraaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!
Dark Emperor: What the crap?
Dan: *stands on Onix's head* I'm Dan Hibiki, World-Famous Martial Artist! I'm a Master of Beasts! You cannot defeat me! Fuhahahahaha!!!
Tellah: *jumps out* I'm Tellah! The Greatest Mage in Existence! I too am undefeatable!
*A rose slashes by the Dark Emperor*
Dark Emperor: What now?
Voice: You cannot defeat the forces of goodness!
Dark Emperor: Who the hell are you?
Voice: I am... Tuxedo Krase!
Kimberly: ...huh?
Edward: This is... new...
Gogo: And frightening...
Vormav: I didn't know he liked playing dress-up so much. Anyway, I can't let you guys show me up... *steps out* I'm Vormav Tingel! The Greatest Warrior of the Holy Ajora! I am Hashmalum, the Last of the Zodiac Beasts, Holder of the Leo Stone! I can defeat anyone... er, except T.G. Cid.
Gogo: They just keep making up longer and longer titles.
Edward: *plays one note on his harp, as the light hits him* I am Edward... Prince of Damcyan, The World's Greatest Bard, The World's Greatest Lover, and the World's Greatest Hero! I have vanquished Kings Who Act Strangely, Nonsucky characters, and the Emerald Weapon, with the help of the World's Greatest Pokémon, Jigglypuff!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! Jiggly! Jigglypuff!
Gogo: Where do they get this stuff?
Dark Emperor: Screw this crap. There's too many of them. I'm out of here. *teleports away*
*Elsewhere in Dianova*
Cloud: Dammit. Where is he?
Bandiger: Who?
Cloud: The Dark Emperor. Leader of the Dark Acolytes. Blah blah. The bad guy in this world.
Bandiger: Oh. You want to fight HIM? You are crazy. He's a bad dude.
Cloud: Nonsense. I'm Cloud Strife. No one can defeat me.
Dark Emperor: *teleports in* Thank goodness. They're gone. Now if I can just fnd my way out of this damn maz- HEY! Who are you guys?
Cloud: Heh. I'm Cloud Strife, peon!
Dark Emperor: You're a peon?
Cloud: No! You're a peon! I'm Cloud Strife, The Greatest Warrior in the World.
Dark Emperor: Not more titles!
Cloud: More titles? I see you've met my associates.
Dark Emperor: So they work for you? What sort of scheme is this?
Cloud: I'm just here to beat your ass.
Dark Emperor: Such treachery! I will make you pay!
Cloud: Heh. You can't beat me. No one can. I'm the best there is. Let's go.
Dark Emperor: After I defeat you, I will ascend this world and become a god!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!
Cloud: Whatever. I've heard it all before, peon. Right now, you have to deal with me. Let's dance.
Dark Emperor: As you wish! I'm not holding back!
Cloud: Heh. Good.

Chapter 18: The Battle of the Strongest! The Fight With the Dark Emperor!

*At Dianova*
Dark Emperor: You cannot hope to defeat me, mortal! I am transformed! *turns into a big wicked-looking monster* Ha ha ha ha!!!
Cloud: So this is the part where I say, "No! It can't be!", right?
Dark Emperor: Pretty confident. Let's see how you do.
Cloud: I've seen it all before, from better villains than the likes of you. *draws Ultima Weapon* Let's get it on.
Dark Emperor: As you wish! Fear my power! *shoots some magic at Cloud*
Cloud: *blocks* Please. Don't you have anything that can actually hurt me?
Dark Emperor: Foolish mortal! *blasts Cloud again*
Cloud: *blocks yet again* Enough of this. My turn. *Omnislashes the Dark Emperor*
Dark Emperor: How can you be... so strong...?
Cloud: How can you be so weak, peon?
Dark Emperor: Take THIS! *tosses a lightning bolt at Cloud, who blocks it with his sword*
Cloud: Enough of this. Feel my ultimate wrath... The Cloudheart! *does the Cloudheart on the Dark Emperor*
Dark Emperor: No...! It can't be!!! *dies*
Bandiger: Wow. You actually beat him. And without much trouble too.
Cloud: All in a day's work. *twirls the Ultima Weapon and puts it on his back*
Rafa: That was great, Cloud. Now what?
Cloud: Nothing stands in our way from taking this world over.
Bandiger: You mean we rule this world? Yay!
Cloud: No, I rule this world, peon.
Bandiger: Eh... yay!
Cloud: Let's go meet up with the others.
*Outside*
Setzer: There's my airship!
Elmdor: Land, land!
Cid Highwind: Hold your !@#$ing horses! Just a !@#$ing minute! *lands the Highwind*
Setzer: My airship! Hey... there's Agahnim... and the mech... and Umaro and Worker 8...
Sephiroth: Perfect. *draws the Masamune*
Elmdor: Hey, I've got a Masamune too! *draws his Masamune*
Sephiroth: Let me see that. *examines Elmdor's Masamune* That's not a Masamune, it's a Masamune Blade.
Elmdor: Huh?
Sephiroth: It's a forgery.
Elmdor: D'oh!
Algus: Ha! You were taken!
Elmdor: Shut the hell up, Algus.
Algus: Yes sir.
Tifa: Let's get them!
T.G. Cid: Heaven's wish to destroy all minds... HOLY EXPLOSION! *does Holy Explosion on Umaro and Worker 8*
Umaro: U'ng'haaa'!!! *faints*
Worker 8: System data error! This guy are sick! *falls over*
Tifa: Boo ya! *beats up Agahnim*
Agahnim: Urf! *passes out*
Elmdor: Tie these punks up, Algus.
Algus: Yes sir. *ties Agahnim, Worker 8, and Umaro up*
Mustadio: Damn. This mech is trashed. I don't know if it will still work.
Aeris: Will the ray that changed Cloud still work? Will it change him back?
Mustadio: They haven't messed with the ray since the last time I fixed it. It should work. And I think I can fix the mech.
Sephiroth: Then we only have to wait for them to get back.
*Inside Dianova*
Cloud: Where are those peons at?
Edward: *walking up with the rest of his party* Hey boss!
Cloud: Why are you leading? I thought I told Zack to lead.
Dan: Zack is a crappy leader. He kept making stupid mistakes and screwing up our plans.
Zack: These guys won't listen to me. I try to help them out, maybe help 'em get some experience, and they totally disappoint me.
Cloud: ...Whatever. Anyway, the plan worked. I got rid of the Dark Emperor. Now Sephiroth and his party are all that stand between us and complete domination of the Thousand Arms world.
Krase: Yay!
Malak: Who's that? *points to Bandiger*
Cloud: Oh, that's Bandiger. A local thief/treasure hunter.
Bandiger: I'm a Hunter of Love! Rrrrrr!
Vormav: I bet you are.
Kimberly: He looks... weird.
Bandiger: You're no fashion show yourself, sister.
Kimberly: Grrr...
Cloud: Anyway, Sephiroth should be here soon, if he's not already waiting for us at the airship. Get ready, everyone. C'mon. *leaves, with the others following*
*Outside*
Cid Highwind: I wish they'd !@#$ing hurry up!
Setzer: I just want to take my airship home.
Elmdor: I need to get back to Limberry. I've got people to torture.
Algus: Yes sir!
Elmdor: Shut the hell up, Algus.
Algus: Yes sir.
Tifa: There they are!
Cloud: *walking out* I figured you guys would be here.
Zack: ...! Sephiroth!
Sephiroth: ...Zack?
Zack: I'm going to get you for what happened at Nibelheim!
Sephiroth: ...
Zack: Can I get him, Cloud?
Cloud: Knock yourself out.
Zack: Here I come! *draws Buster Sword and runs at Sephiroth*
Sephiroth: *smacks Zack out of the way* What the hell was that? Get out of my way before I break you.
Zack: You ruined my life!
Sephiroth: And I'll end it if you don't get out of my way.
Zack: I'm not afraid of you! *does the Cross-Slash on Sephiroth, who dodges*
Sephiroth: Stop this nonsense, Zack. You can't beat me.
Zack: I'll never give up!
Sephiroth: I'm warning you, don't provoke me.
Zack: I'll get you!!! *does the Braver on Sephiroth, who dodges, as it starts raining*
Rafa: Hm. It doesn't look like rain.
Cloud: That's because this isn't natural rain.
*Suddenly, a man on a six-legged horse rides up*
Zack: ...oh, crap.
Odin: ZANTETSUKEN!!! *rides by Zack*
Zack: ......... *falls over*
Malak: Is he dead?
Odin: ...no. *rides off*
Mustadio: Well, that was certainly interesting.
Sephiroth: Saved me the trouble. And I was just going to kill him too.
Cid Highwind: Enough of this !@#$! Let's hit Cloud with this ray, and get out of here. Dukes is on!
Cloud: Go on. Get in the mech.
Cid Highwind: Damn straight I will! *hops in the mech*
Cloud: It's going to be kind of hard to start it without this. *holds up a small chip*
Cid Highwind: !@#$!!! It won't run!
Cloud: I knew you'd try something like this, so I took precautions.
Agahnim: *waking up, and realizing he's tied* So I was just bait?
Cloud: Yeah, peon.
Agahnim: ...oh. Okay.
Aeris: We just want the real Cloud back!
Cloud: I am the real Cloud, peon. Live with it.
Aeris: How can you say that?! You aren't the Cloud I knew.
Cloud: ...Whatever. Go talk to a wall.
Sephiroth: So what's your game, Cloud? What do you want to do now?
Cloud: It's simple. I hear the Gold Saucer has been rebuilt. In two weeks, we have a competition. Three events. I pick one, you pick one, and Dio picks the other. If I win, you stay out of my way for good. And keep the peon party out of my way too.
Edward: Don't talk about us that way, boss.
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Cloud: Not you, peon. I mean those guys.
Edward: Oh.
Sephiroth: Fine. And what do I get if I win?
Cloud: You won't win... but on the off chance that you manage to score a victory... without burning down a town or killing someone while they're praying...
Sephiroth: Grrr...
Cloud: Heh... If you win, I'll give you whatever you want. I'll even let you shoot me with that ray if you want.
Sephiroth: Okay, fine. But we get to keep the airship and mech until the event. If you win, you can have them back.
Setzer: Hey! That's my airship!
Algus: Shut the hell up.
Elmdor: Shut the hell up, Algus.
Algus: Yes sir.
Cloud: Fine. I have other ways of getting around. See you in two weeks, peon. *teleports away with his party*
Sephiroth: So it's settled. In two weeks, it'll all be decided.

Chapter 19: Was It Tournament? I Will Show You How!

*At the Villa Cloud a week later*
Ramza: Mail call!
Mustadio: What'd we get?
Ramza: Bill, bill, bill, credit card addressed to "Claude Strauf," "You may have just won 1,000,000 gil!", bill, newspaper, and... what's this? It's addressed to Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: Hm? I wasn't expecting anything. *takes the letter and opens it* Hm... WHAT THE HELL?!
Mustadio: What's it say?
Sephiroth: ...this sucks. It's from Dio. It says:

"Dear Sephiroth,

"I granted Cloud's request for use of the Gold Saucer in the fight between him and you. Then I got an idea. Since it's MY Gold Saucer, I decided to sell tickets."

Ramza: Weak.
Sephiroth: ...yeah...

"Now, I couldn't very well sell tickets for one fight, so I decided to hold a tournament. It consists of eight fights, between 16 people. You and Cloud are at opposite ends of the card, so you will only get to fight in the main event. Good luck. Anyway, here are the entries:

"Fight 1 - Cloud Strife vs. The Ruby Weapon
"Fight 2 - Vegeta vs. Akuma"

Sephiroth: Damn it, Vegeta! You entered?
Vegeta: I got tired of sitting around here playing Ehrgeiz. I needed some action.
Sephiroth: Then why didn't you go fight at the Battle Arena?
Vegeta: I did. Until Dio banned me. The Chocobo Racing area got kind of... destroyed.
Sephiroth: ...thanks a lot.

"Fight 3 - Edward the Bard and Jigglypuff vs. The Emerald Weapon
"Fight 4 - Rufus Shinra vs. Fei Wong Fong
"Fight 5 - Krin vs. Locke Cole
"Fight 6 - Kain Highwind vs. Zalbag Beoulve"

Ramza: My brother's in that?
Algus: He used to be my boss!
Elmdor: Shut the he-
Ramza: Shut the hell up, Algus.
Algus: Yes, si- hey! Make me!
Ramza: Okay. What level are you on?
Algus: Level 15.
Ramza: Okay, Level 5 Silence, off the backboard, nothing but net... SILENCE!!!
Algus: ...!!!
Mustadio: Ha ha ha!
Elmdor: Heh.
Algus: ....!!! ...... .......!!! ......?! !!!
Setzer: That gives new meaning to the phrase, "Shut the hell up, Algus."
Algus: .........!
Sephiroth: ...yeah. Anyway...

"Fight 7 - Delita Hyrule vs. Marle
"Fight 8 - Sephiroth vs. The Ultimate Weapon

"If you and Cloud make it to the last fight, then you can have your little 'three contest' thing. That's all. Good luck.

"Sincerely,
"Dio

"P.S.: If you can't beat Cloud, I will destroy the world! Ha ha ha ha!!!

"P.P.S.: Just kidding about the P.S. ^_^ "

Sephiroth: Idiot.
Ramza: Hm. That seems sort of lame.
T.G. Cid: I'll say. I didn't get to enter.
Mustadio: Hey, I got a question. Do we still have to pay bills addressed to Cloud?
*At Riovanes*
Dan: Hey, do we still have to pay bills addressed to Altima?
Cloud: ...Whatever. What the hell is this?
Rafa: What is it?
Cloud: Dio has organized some sort of a tournament. I have to fight three peons before I get to fight Sephiroth, and- Hey! Edward, why did you enter?
Edward: Me and Jigglypuff wanted a challenge.
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Edward: Who are we fighting?
Cloud: The Emerald Weapon.
Edward: Eep!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! Puff!
Cloud: Well, I've only got one week left. I'd better go get ready... remind me to kill Dio.
Edward: Don't forget to kill Dio.
Cloud: ...peon.
*A week later at the Gold Saucer*
Dio: Are you ready?
Crowd: YEAH!!!
Dio: I said, are you ready?
Crowd: HELL YEAH!!!
Dio: I can't hear you! Are you ready?
Crowd: OH HELL YEAH!!!
Dio: Then get ready for the fight of the century! Even better than the last tournament, where the Zodiac Braves got totally swept by Sephiroth and his crew... get ready for the Greatest Tournament In The History Of All-Existence!!!
Crowd: YAY!!!
Dio: Now, there will be eight fights. The first fight is Cloud Strife vs. The Ruby Weapon. And the entrants are entering the Battle Arena!
*In the Battle Arena*
Cloud: Hmph. Whatever. *draws the Ultima Weapon*
Ruby: Ha ha ha! Mad propz to me, dawg! I'm gonna win dis one for my homiez!
Cloud: ...Whatever.
Dio: LET'S GET IT ON!!!
Ruby: Head's up, dawg! Ruby Laser! *does Ruby Laser attack*
Cloud: *dodges* You suck! *runs back to the wall*
Ruby: You can't get away! Whirlsand attack! *does the Whirlsand attack*
Cloud: Hmph. *climbs the wall with his sword, avoiding the attack*
Ruby: Stand still, would ya? *buries his arms in the sand*
Cloud: Now! *jumps off the wall, slicing the Ruby Weapon down the face*
Ruby: That stings! You'll pay, dawg! Ruby Laser! *does Ruby Laser attack*
Cloud: You still suck! *stabs the Ultima Weapon in Ruby's leg and proceeds to climb up his back*
Ruby: Ouch, ouch, ouch! That hurts, dawg!
Cloud: Tough. And stop talking like a gangsta. *hops up on the Ruby Weapon's shoulder*
Ruby: Hey! Get off, G!
Cloud: No. Omnislash! *does the Omnislash on the Ruby Weapon's head*
Ruby: Yeow! That hurtz, you know what I'm saying?!
Cloud: Stop talking like that! *jumps off of the Ruby Weapon*
Ruby: Now I'm gonna get you, deeyawg! *attacks Cloud with his arms*
Cloud: *dodges* Yeah... sure. Face the fury... of the Cloudheart!
Crowd: *GASP!!!*
Ruby: Huh? Yo, dawg, whazdat?
Cloud: This! Cloudheart! *does the Cloudheart on the Ruby Weapon*
Ruby: Gah! *falls over and dies*
Cloud: Heh. *twirls his sword and replaces it on his back*
Crowd: OOOH YEAH!!!
Rafa: Yay, Cloud! Good job!
Dan: Good one, boss!
Dio: And we have a loser! *drops the Ruby Weapon through the trapdoor, which causes a loud "thud"* The winner is Cloud Strife!
Cloud: Damn skippy. *waves to the crowd, then walks off*
Ramza: The pressure is on...
Sephiroth: Shut up.
Dio: The next fight... the Super Saiya-jin Vegeta vs. Akuma!
Vegeta: ARRRGGGGHHHHH! *goes Super Saiya-jin*
Dio: And I don't envy Akuma...
Akuma: ...ARGH!!! *powers up*
Dio: ...or Vegeta. Let's get it on!
Akuma: Your ki is great. I will be very strong when I steal it.
Vegeta: Well, I've got news for you. I eat little punks like you for my morning breakfast. *smirks*
Akuma: No one smirks at me! Hadoken! *tosses a fireball at Vegeta*
Vegeta: Argh! *punches it away into the wall*
Akuma: Huh?
Vegeta: Let's go! *flies at Akuma and starts rapidly punching him, which Akuma cannot block*
Akuma: NO! You're... so strong!
Vegeta: You haven't seen anything yet! *disappears and reappears behind Akuma*
Akuma: Wha-? *swings at Vegeta*
Vegeta: *grabs Akuma's arm and tosses him into the air* Heh heh heh... loser...
Akuma: Must... recover... I can still win...
Vegeta: Not likely! *appears above Akuma and bashes him in the back*
Akuma: Yah!!! *hits the ground*
Vegeta: Ha ha ha ha! *flies down and stomps Akuma repeatedly*
Akuma: *weakly* ...helllp...
Vegeta: They have great medical treatment... IN THE NEXT DIMENSION!!!
Akuma: Noooo!!!
Vegeta: Heh. *smirks* So long. *blasts Akuma until all that's left is a black mark*
Dio: And the winner is... VEGETA!!!
Crowd: HELL YEAH!!! ENCORE, ENCORE!!!
Fujin: ENCORE?
Raijin: That was cool, ya know?
Seifer: That guy is good.
Raijin: Akuma?
Seifer: No. He was a chicken-wuss.
Fujin: IMBECILE. *kicks Raijin*
Raijin: Ow! That hurts, ya know?
Dio: And the next fight is... I don't believe this... Edward and Jigglypuff vs... the Emerald Weapon!!!
Sego: Place your bets here!
Setzer: One million GP on the Emerald Weapon! This is a sure thing!
Algus: .....!!!!
Setzer: Shut the hell up, Algus.
Algus: ...
Zell: Give me 100,000 gil on the Emerald Weapon! That's my whole salary!
Sego: As you wish!
Edward: Gulp... well, I guess this is it...
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Edward: Are you ready?
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! Jigglypuff!
Emerald: Ha ha ha! I'm going to get you! You've screwed me over twice, and now you're going to pay!
Edward: Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah... can I quit?
Dio: Sorry. No forfeits allowed if you show up. Let's go!
Emerald: DIE!!! *opens arm cannons*
Edward: *draws a sword* Uh... uh... uh, stand down or die in obscurity!
Emerald: Ha ha ha! No!
Edward: You leave my no choice, sir! *runs at the Emerald Weapon and stabs him right in the chest*
Emerald: Bastard! Get off me! *tosses Edward into a wall*
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! PUFF!!! *blows up like a balloon*
Emerald: You want some too? Bring it on!
Jigglypuff: PUFF!!!
Emerald: YOU DIE TOO!!! *tries to stomp Jigglypuff*
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! *holds Emerald's foot*
Emerald: WHAT?!
Jigglypuff: Heh. Jiggly!
Edward: Yeah!!! *runs at Emerald and stabs him in the back*
Emerald: Gah! You pests! That's it! I'm blowing this building up!!!
Jigglypuff: JIGGLY!!! *tosses Emerald into a wall*
Edward: Die fool!!! *runs at Emerald and stabs him in the head*
Emerald: ARGH! Miserable bard!
Jigglypuff: Jigggalllypufff, jigggallly-galllllyyyypuff...
Emerald: So sleepy... *falls asleep*
Crowd: Zzzzzzzzzz...
Edward: Yeah! We did it!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Edward: Let's ship this roody-poo out of here! *piles various explosives underneath Emerald, then sets them off, blasting the Emerald Weapon far away*
Emerald: I'lllllll geeeeeet yooooooouuuuuuu!!!! *flies off*
Crowd: Wha-? Where?
Edward: Boo ya!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Dio: *waking up* Uh... Further investigation of the film shows that Edward and Jigglypuff... somehow... won the fight.
Sego: Ohhh yesss! Daddy's gettin' a new house!
Setzer: Noooo!!!
Zell: DAMMIT!!! *punches the floor* That was my whole salary!!! SON OF A BITCH!!!
Dio: And the next fight... Rufus Shinra vs. Fei Wong Fong!
Rufus: Where is he?
Heidegger: Go, boss!
Scarlet: Go, Ruffy! *wink*
Rufus: ...
Hojo: *walking down the steps in the stand, with various casts on due to his previous injuries* Okay... I got the popcorn, the hotdogs, the drinks, the Junior Mints and the... ARRRGHHH!!! *falls down the steps*
Reeve: Ouch. That's got to hurt. *picks up the food*
Hojo: Dammit.
Vicks: *running down the steps* Dio!!! A message from Fei!!! Whoa!!! *slips on the spilled drink and falls down the stairs*
Wedge: Arrrggghhh!!! *also falls down the steps*
Hojo: *as Vicks and Wedge both land on him* ARRRGGGHHHH!!!! GET THE HELL OFF ME!!! I'm an injured man!!!
Terra: Oh my God! Hojo just killed Vicks and Wedge!
Meliadoul: You bastard!
Dio: *walks up* A message from Fei? *takes the letter, opens it, and reads it* Hm... This is no good.
Rufus: Well? Where is he?
Dio: Attention everyone. According to this letter...

"Dio,

"This is Fei. Sorry for the error, but due to extenuating circumstances, I cannot attend the tournament today. Namely because my other personality signed me up. But I'm getting help for that problem now. Anyway, I cannot compete. I'm sorry, Actually, I don't like gears or fighting.

"Apologies,
"Fei Wong Fong"

Rufus: So do I win?
Dio: Due to forfeit, Rufus Shinra is the winner!
Rufus: Damn. I took out all those copyrights for nothing.
Scarlet: Yay, Ruffy!
Reeve: Oh, brother... *rolls his eyes*
Dio: And now we'll have a short intermission before the rest of the first round fights.
Ramza: Let's go get some snacks. *gets up out of his seat*
Mustadio: *gets up as well* Yeah. I'm starved. Anyone else coming?
Sephiroth: I'll go. *gets up as well*
Ramza: So... are you nervous, Sephiroth?
Sephiroth: No. I don't get nervous.
Mustadio: Good for you. Hey, isn't that Hojo they're carting out?
Hojo: Careful! I'm an injured man!
Ambulance worker: ...Whatever.
Sephiroth: Dammit. I hate that old man. *walks up and knees Hojo in the gut*
Hojo: Help! I'm being attacked.
Sephiroth: Shut up, you imbecile! I hate you! *punches Hojo in the face*
Hojo: Help! Someone please help!
Cloud: Still beating up helpless innocent people, Sephiroth.
Sephiroth: ...Cloud. Congratulations on your victory.
Cloud: And let me congratulate you as well. I have no doubt that you'll beat the Ultimate Weapon.
Sephiroth: It's just another fight.
Cloud: Yes.
Vegeta: Don't get too cocky, Cloud. You have to face me in the next round.
Cloud: ...Whatever.
Vegeta: Are you scared?
Cloud: Not really.
Vegeta: You should be. You know what I'll do if you lose. Heh. *smirks*
Cloud: You should be more concerned about what I'll do when I win.
Vegeta: You arrogant little punk. We'll see just what you do.
*Outside*
Hojo: *being hauled into the ambulance* Careful! Careful! I'm an injured man! And this is covered by Shinra's insurance policy, right?
Ambulance worker: Geez, what a pain. *shuts the back door*
Zack: *in the front of the ambulance* Now! *locks the doors and drives off*
Hojo: What's going on?!
Zack: We're gonna drive this thing straight to hell!
Hojo: Ack! Help! Someone, please! Help me!
Zack: No one can help you now! Ha ha ha ha ha!!! I'll get you for what you did to me!
Hojo: HEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!

Chapter 20: Joyride

*In an ambulance somewhere near the Gold Saucer*
Hojo: Where are you taking me, you sick freak?
Zack: I told you, this thing is going straight to hell! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!!!
Hojo: Wait! Let me go! I'm an injured man!
Zack: You're not nearly as injured as you will be!
Hojo: Wait! I'll... I'll pay you! I'll give you anything!
Zack: There is one thing I want...
Hojo: What is it? I'll get it for you! Anything, if you just let me go!
Zack: ...I want...
Hojo: WHAT?
Zack: Your ass! Ha ha ha ha!!!
Hojo: Let me go!!!
Zack: I'll let you go... to another dimension!!! But first... let's have some fun!!!
Hojo: Nooooo!!!!
*At the Gold Saucer*
Dio: And our next fight is Krin the Thief taking on Locke Cole the Thie- er, Treasure Hunter.
Locke: Call me a treasure hunter or I'll rip your face off!
Krin: Hee hee! Let's steal Kirinji!
Locke: Shut up, you buffoon.
Krin: Hee hee! Can I serve you some tea first?
Locke: That's the oldest trick in the book.
Krin: Yeah. Hee hee. Okay.
Dio: Let's get it on!
Viktor: Kick his ass, Locke!
Cleo: Isn't Krin your friend?
Viktor: He's my disciple in the Ways of Boo Ya. There's a difference.
Cleo: ...okay...
Locke: *draws Atma Weapon* Okay, Krin! Let's go!
Krin: Uh, can't we talk about this? Hee hee.
Locke: No.
Krin: Okay. *draws his Needle* Hee hee!
Locke: What are you gonna do, sew me to death?
Krin: Maybe. Hee hee!
Locke: What an idiot.
Krin: *lunges with the Needle* Hee hee!
Locke: *dodges* Imbecile. *bashes Krin in the head with the handle of his sword*
Krin: Ouch... hee hee. *tries to pick Locke's pockets*
Locke: What are you doing?
Krin: Trying to steal from you. I figure if you're a thief you gotta have some goodies.
Audience: *GASP!!!*
Locke: What did you say?!
Cartman: He said, "SUCK MY BALLS!"
Krin: I said, a thief like you must have some good stuff.
Locke: I'm... a... *powers up* TREASURE HUNTER!!!
Krin: Whatever. Hee hee!
Locke: Get it right or pay the price! *kicks the Krin in the gut and uppercuts him*
Krin: Ouchie, hee hee.
Locke: Fire 3!!! *casts Fire 3 on Krin*
Krin: Yeouch! Hee hee!
Locke: *repeatedly punches Krin* Give up!
Krin: No. Hee hee.
Locke: You leave me no choice... *steals Krin's clothes*
Krin: Uh... I'm naked. Hee hee.
Locke: A little tight, but the price was right!
Krin: Uh... I quit. Hee hee. Can I have my clothes back?
Locke: No.
Krin: Aw. *walks off*
Dio: And the winner is Locke, the Treasure Hunter!
Locke: Boo ya!
Viktor: The Way of the Boo Ya has been decided.
Cleo: ...uh, yeah. Whatever.
Dio: And our next fight is Kain Highwind vs. Zalbag Beoulve.
Ramza: Go, brother!
Algus: ....!!!! ......?! ....!!!
Ramza: Shut the hell up, Algus.
Algus: ... *leaves*
Kain: *twirls his spear* Let's get this over with.
Zalbag: *draws his Defender* I will defeat you, knave. In the name of the one I love.
Kain: ...who's that?
Zalbag: Meliadoul Tingel.
Ramza: Huh?! Is that true?
Meliadoul: Yeah. Kinda. Heh heh.
Ramza: Oh, brother.
Algus: *returns* Go, boss!
Ramza: Shut the hell up, Algu- hey! You talked!
Algus: I ordered an Echo Screen at the concession stand.
Elmdor: Shut the hell up, Algus.
Kain: Oh, yeah? Well, I will best you in the name of the one I love!
Zalbag: Who's that?
Kain: ...Rosa.
Cecil: WHAT?!
Rosa: I can't believe he said that.
Zalbag: Enough, have at thee!
Kain: See you! *jumps*
Zalbag: Where did he go? Oh, well... Regen!!! *cast Regen*
Kain: *lands and misses* Damn!
Zalbag: I'm more skilled than you might think! *kicks Kain in the gut and uppercuts him in the face*
Kain: Damn you! *swings his spear at Zalbag*
Zalbag: Ack! *cuts it in half with his sword*
Kain: Damn! Then let's fight hand-to-hand!
Zalbag: Agreed! But be warned, I'm a master of the martial arts! *sheathes his sword*
Kain: Then try blocking! *kicks Zalbag in the gut*
Zalbag: Ugh! A cheap shot, but legal nonetheless. Now try this on for size! *kicks Kain upside the head*
Kain: Oh yeah? *swings at Zalbag and misses*
Zalbag: *punches Kain in the face* Stop blocking my punches with your face. It's really distracting!
Kain: *sweeps Zalbag* Down we go!
Zalbag: *kicks Kain in the knee* Why don't you join me?
Kain: Gack! *falls over*
Zalbag: *climbs onto Kain and starts punching him* Give up! Give up I say! Don't make me hurt you!
Kain: Never! I'll lapse into a coma before I lose!
Zalbag: Oh, for Ajora's sake! *runs away*
Kain: Come back here! *chases Zalbag*
Zalbag: And... now! *stops running*
Kain: Whoa!
Zalbag: *grabs Kain and pitches him out into the stands* See you around!
Kain: Wha-? DAMMIT!!!
Dio: And the winner is, due to Kain leaving the floor, Zalbag!
Zalbag: Yeah! *twirls his sword*
Viktor: The Way of Boo Ya is once again decided.
Cleo: ...you're creeping me out...
Dio: The next fight is King Delita Hyral vs. Marle from Chrono Trigger.
Delita: Hello, my dear. *bows*
Marle: *giggles* You're so galant! Tee hee!
Delita: A lady like you deserves nothing less.
Dio: Let's start the fight!
Delita: First, a token of my appreciation. Flowers, my dear.
Marle: Tee hee! Thanks!
Delita: *draws a knife* DIE! *stabs Marle*
Marle: Ouch! That wasn't very niiiiiceee... *passes out*
Dio: The winner is Delita! Someone call an ambulance!
Mukki: Someone stole the ambulance, dearie.
Dio: Well... someone call another one.
Audience: BOOOOO!!! DE-LI-TA SUCKS!!! DE-LI-TA SUCKS!!!
Delita: Each one of you would've done the same thing! Don't judge me!
Audience: YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!!!
Delita: She never loved me! She was just using me! You're all using me! You can all go to hell! *walks off*
Dio: Ooooookay... the next fight is Sephiroth vs. the Ultimate Weapon.
Ultimate Weapon: Rarrrggghhh! You damn Shinra!
Sephiroth: *teleports in* Let's go.
Dio: And let's rock and roll!
Sephiroth: I haven't had a good fight in ages. *teleports away*
Ultimate Weapon: Where'd he go?
Sephiroth: *drops down and impales the Ultimate Weapon* Right here!
Ultimate Weapon: Arrrggghhhh!!! It'll take more than that to stop me!
Sephiroth: Like this? *jumps up and slices the Ultimate Weapon in the face repeatedly*
Ultimate Weapon: Garrr! *swings at the Sephiroth and misses* Stand still!
Sephiroth: I've had about enough of you! SUPER NOVA!!!
*fifteen minutes later*
Ramza: Did you get the snacks?
Mustadio: Yeah. Did I miss anything?
Ramza: Just fifteen minutes of FMV. Oh, look! It's almost over.
*Super Nova ends*
Ultimate Weapon: GRAARRRRGGGHHHH!!! *dies*
Sephiroth: Hmph. *twirls his sword* So much for that.
Dio: And the winner is Sephiroth! *opens a trap door that the Ultimate Weapon falls through with a loud "THUD!"*
Sephiroth: Like there could be any other outcome.
Dio: And now, a short intermission while we wait for the round two contestants to get ready. As for the losers, better luck next time!
*Elsewhere*
Zack: Here we are, you sick Mako freak. *wheels Hojo in on the stretcher*
Hojo: Where are we?
Zack: Don't you recognize it? Shinra Mansion in Nibelheim. Where you experimented on me and Cloud. And now it's time for some payback.
Hojo: No! You can't!
Zack: Yes I can. But I have to go watch Cloud's fight next, so I'll just toss you in here for a while and let you ponder what you've done with your miserable life. *tosses Hojo into the tube he was in down in the basement*
Hojo: No, you can't leave me in here! I'm claustrophobic!
Zack: Screw you! I'll be back later... maybe! Ha ha ha ha!!!
Hojo: NOOOOO!!!!
*In the Gold Saucer*
Rafa: Do you think you can beat him, Cloud?
Cloud: I have little doubt.
Malak: You're confident, Cloud, but don't underestimate him. He's tough.
Cloud: When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you, peon.
Vegeta: So, you really think you can beat me?
Cloud: Yes.
Vegeta: Your eyes may be blue, and you may have spikey blonde hair, but you're no Super Saiya-jin. You will soon see the error of your ways.
Cloud: ...Whatever. Go talk to a wall.
Vegeta: Hmph. You may be cocky now, but I'll cut you down to size.
Cloud: We'll see.
Sego: And... place your bets! The cocky Ex-SOLDIER against the arrogant Super Saiya-jin! Who will win? Place your bets!
Zell: Okay! I borrowed some money from Squall! I bet 50,000 gil on Vegeta!
Seifer: You're such a chicken-wuss.
Zell: WHAT'D YOU CALL ME?! DAMMIT!!! *punches the air*
Seifer: Settle down.
Tai Ho: I want to put 10,000 bits on Vegeta!
Sego: The more the merrier, money man!
Tai Ho: There's no way he can lose!
Sego: We'll see.
Dio: And now for the first round two fight, Cloud Strife, Ex-SOLDIER, vs. Vegeta, the Super Saiya-jin. Let's get it on!
Vegeta: Heh. You're gonna lose. Why don't you just give up now? It'll be less painful.
Cloud: I won't lose to the likes of you. I'm no one-hit wonder.
Vegeta: Suit yourself. But let me show you just what you have to fight... *powers up* ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
Cloud: Hmph.
Vegeta: ARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! *goes Super Saiya-jin*
Cloud: I can do the same thing when I do my Limit Breaks.
Vegeta: Show me.
Cloud: ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! *is encircled by flames*
Vegeta: Impressive. *puts on a scouter* Hm... power level 1500... 2000... 2500... not bad for a human. But it's nothing great either. Mine is much higher.
Cloud: Sometimes the strongest person doesn't always win. And I think everyone would agree that I'm much smarter than you.
Vegeta: *spits* Kuso! Let's see how smart you are! Let's go!
Cloud: Fine by me. I've been waiting long enough. *cracks his knuckles*
Sephiroth: This should be interesting...
Rafa: Oh, Cloud! Don't get hurt!

Chapter 21: Titanic battle! Cloud versus the Legendary Super Saiya-jin!

*At the Gold Saucer*
Vegeta: C'mon, punk! I'll even let you take the first shot.
Cloud: Not so fast. There's someone I want you to meet.
Vegeta: What are you talking about?
Cloud: *pulls out a piece of materia* Mystery summon!
*Akuma appears*
Vegeta: Akuma? You're dead!
Cloud: Heh heh.
Akuma: I have returned from the Dark World and am now SHIN Akuma!
Vegeta: Then I guess I'll have to send you back to Hell.
Akuma: I will steal your ki, then I will be the strongest in the world.
Vegeta: Okay, let's see what you got.
Akuma: YAAAHHHH!!!! *flies at Vegeta and starts punching rapidly*
Vegeta: I see you are stronger, but not strong enough! *tosses Akuma into the floor and stomps on him*
Akuma: Arrrgggghhhh!!!! *explodes in a burst of flames*
Vegeta: So, you can power up, huh?
Akuma: Time for you to die! *flies at Vegeta once again and punches him in the face*
Vegeta: Kuso! *spits* You'll pay for that! *flies at Akuma and punches him in the stomach very rapidly*
Akuma: Ugh, ugh, ugh!
Vegeta: Try this on for size! *tosses Akuma into the wall*
Akuma: No...
Vegeta: Heh heh.
Akuma: NOOOOO!!! *flies at Vegeta and slams him into the other wall, past the audience*
Dio: That's it! Vegeta's out of the ring! Cloud is the winner!
Vegeta: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!
Cloud: Heh heh. Sucker!
Ultimecia: Kurse you, Kloud.
Vegeta: DAMMIT!!!!
Zell: DAMMIT! MY MONEY!!!
Seifer: Chicken-wuss. Heh.
Tai Ho: I lost?!
Vegeta: I'm getting pissed!
Akuma: Your ki will still be mine!
Vegeta: Arrrrgggghhhh!!! Come and get it! *powers up*
Akuma: Here I come! *flies at Vegeta*
Vegeta: Yah!!! *flies at Akuma and starts battering him*
Akuma: This... power...?
Vegeta: You've only seen the beginnings of my power! THIS PLANET IS HISTORY!!!
Sephiroth: What's he gonna do?
Vegeta: And now it's time for you to die! *kicks Akuma into the ground and stomps on him*
Akuma: I can't be defeated... can I?
Vegeta: *blasts a Renzoku Energy Dan on Akuma* YES! *grabs Akuma's arm* And now... *tosses Akuma through the roof* ...you die! *flies after Akuma*
Dio: Oh my God! What a bonus match-up we've got here!
Vegeta: Argh! *knees Akuma in the gut, then punches him in the stomach repeatedly, and finally finishes with a hammer bash across the back, knocking Akuma into the desert below*
*Down below*
Vicks: This looks like a nice place to have a picnic.
Wedge: In the middle of the desert?
Vicks: Eh, I'm too tired to walk anymore.
Wedge: Okay.
Akuma: *falls in* Can't... move...
Vicks: What the hell is that?
Vegeta: *flies up* AND NOW... TO SEND YOU... TO ANOTHER DIMENSION!!! FINAL FLASH!!! *blasts Akuma with a Final Flash*
Akuma: GRRRAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!! *dies*
Vicks and Wedge: ARRRRGGGHHHH! *die*
Olan: Oh my God! He just killed Vicks and Wedge!
Zell: You bastard! DAMMIT!!! *punches the floor*
Seifer: Settle down, chicken-wuss.
Vegeta: I'm comin' for you, Cloud! *flies back to the Gold Saucer*
Cloud: Heh. I told you that you'd lose.
Vegeta: You're mine! KUSO!!!
Cloud: I'd just love to beat your ass, AGAIN, peon, but I've got a tournament to win. So don't be a sore loser.
Vegeta: Okay, fair enough. After the tournament... you're mine. Kuso! *spits and flies off*
Cloud: Heh.
Rafa: Yay, Cloud!
Dan: Way to go, boss!
Sego: I made a bundle!
Aeris: At least Cloud didn't get himself hurt.
Dio: And the next match... Edward the Bard and Jigglypuff vs. Rufus Shinra.
Heidegger: Yeah! Go, boss!
Scarlet: Go get 'im, honey!
Rufus: ...bleh.
Edward: Ha ha! You're goin' down! Jigglypuff and I can take you out easy.
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Rufus: After I beat you, I'm goin' to make that hideous little thing into a coat.
Jigglypuff: Puff? JIGGLY!!!
Edward: You'll pay for that one!
Rufus: *loads his shotgun* Let's get it on. Come get some.
Edward: You can use firearms in this? Bummer.
Rufus: I guess it helps when you own the Gold Saucer.
Edward: Jigglypuff, I choose you!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Edward: Sing him to sleep!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! Jiggggaaaaallllly-puff, jigaaaaaallllly-gallllllllyyyyypuffffff...
Everyone but Edward and Jigglypuff: *falls asleep* Zzzzzzzzz...
Edward: Good job, Jigglypuff!
Jigglypuff: *notices everyone asleep* JigglyPUFF!!!! *draws on Rufus' face*
Edward: Now... to win this match... *grabs Rufus by the arm and drags him outside the ring*
Dio: Zzzzzzz...
Edward: Wake up, stupid! *tosses a rock at Dio*
Dio: Wha-? Huh? I was just dreamin' about Mukk- wha-? Rufus Shinra is outside the ring! Edward and Jigglypuff win!
Edward: Yeah!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Dio: Yeah... anyway, our next matchup is Locke Cole the Thie- errrr, "Treasure Hunter..."
Locke: Call me a Treasure Hunter or I'll powerbomb you into some thumbtacks!
Dio: ...vs. Zalbag Beoulve!
Zalbag: *twirls his sword* Yeah! Show me some love!
Crowd: *cheers*
Dio: He's such a crowd-pleaser!
Locke: Let's go.
Zalbag: Fine by me.
Locke: *draws the Atma Weapon* You're going down! *dashes at Zalbag and starts slicing*
Zalbag: *blocks each hit* You are indeed skilled... but let me show you how it's done! *knocks Locke's sword away and starts slicing at Locke, which Locke can barely dodge*
Locke: Argh! That's good! I barely got away.
Zalbag: Look again...
Locke: *notices his clothes are shreaded* Gah!
Zalbag: Heh.
Locke: Then I'll just take yours! *tries to steal Zalbag's clothes*
Zalbag: *tosses Locke to the ground several feet away* That won't work. There's this little skill called "Maintenance..."
Locke: Damn! I'll have to beat you up with my fists then!
Zalbag: All right... *puts his sword away*
Fangirl in the Audience: Yeeeeeeaaaaahhhhh!!! He's sooooooo gallant!!!!
Fangirl 2: He's sooooooo bishounen!!!!
Zalbag: *poses*
Locke: Damn. This is insulting. *runs at Zalbag and starts punching*
Zalbag: *blocks each hit* You're good, but I'm better! *kicks Locke in the stomach and powerbombs him*
Locke: Gah...
Zalbag: *picks Locke up and body slams him, then picks him up again and takes him to the edge of the ring* Time to say goodnight...
Locke: No! *kicks Zalbag*
Zalbag: *nearly falls off of the designated area* Whoa! That was close!
Locke: Damn! *starts punching Zalbag*
Zalbag: Gah! *grabs Locke's arm and tosses him outside the fighting area*
Dio: Zalbag wins! Zalbag wins!
Locke: Dammit!
Fangirls: YAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!
Zalbag: Thank you, thank you! *poses*
Fangirls: AW MY GAWWWD!!! He smiled at me!!!!!
Dio: ...yeah, whatever. And the next match-up is King Delita Hyral vs. Sephiroth.
Crowd: DE-LI-TA SUCKS! DE-LI-TA SUCKS!
Mukki: Oh dearrr... it looks like everyone is still upset at Delita's actions in his last match.
Dio: Stabbing a girl was uncalled for, Mukki!
Delita: Shut up! All of you shut the hell up! You suck! You have no right to judge me!
Algus: BOO!!! YOU SUCK!!! COMMONER!!!
Ramza: Though I agree, after the way that bastard treated me... Shut the hell up, Algus.
Algus: No.
Elmdor: Shut the hell up, Algus.
Algus: Yessir.
Sephiroth: *draws his Masamune* I don't have time to waste on you. Do you want to give up?
Delita: No.
Sephiroth: Suits me just fine. I'll eliminate you, then. I can't promise you won't be hurt, though.
Delita: You talk big, but let's see if you can back it up!
Sephiroth: ...okay. *jumps and slices Delita*
Delita: Gah!!! That nearly sliced right through my armor!
Sephiroth: I didn't intend to kill you with that hit. That was just a warning.
Delita: Okay! Then try this on for size! *slices at Sephiroth*
Sephiroth: *dodges, then slices Delita's sword in half* Can't you do any better than that?
Delita: Hmmm... this sucks. Uh... can I give you some flowers?
Sephiroth: I'm not gonna fall for that.
Delita: Damn...
Sephiroth: *puts his sword away* Pale Horse!
Delita: *turns into a frog* Noooooo!!!!
Sephiroth: *picks up the frog* Not so tough now, huh?
Delita: *pees on Sephiroth's glove*
Sephiroth: Damn you. *tosses Delita into the audience*
Dio: Sephiroth wins!
Delita: Dammit!
Knight: You look like hell, sir.
Delita: Just get me a Maiden's Kiss or I'll break you.
Knight: Yes sir. *takes Delita away*
Sephiroth: So, who's next?
Dio: And now we'll have a short intermission as we prepare for Round 3!
*At the concession stands*
Malak: Well, boss, Sephiroth made it past another opponent.
Cloud: I figured he would. Delita is nowhere near his calibur. He probably won't have much trouble with Zalbag either.
Dan: Well, you have to fight Edward and Jigglypuff in the next round. Is he gonna let you win?
Cloud: I don't know. I didn't think he'd make it this far, but he's done well. Nevertheless, he can't beat me.
Zack: You did great! And I've got a surprise for you after you win this tournament!
Cloud: Surprise...?
Zack: Yep! It's great!
Cloud: I don't like surprises. Tell me now.
Zack: But that'll ruin it!
Cloud: ...Tell me...
Zack: Okay. I stole an ambulance, kidnapped Hojo, and right now he's locked up at Nibelheim, in Shinra Mansion. We can finally get revenge on him!
Cloud: Hm. I'll tell you what. Since it seems so important to you, you take care of Hojo, and I'll take care of Sephiroth in Round 4.
Zack: Suit yourself. That's just more fun for me, I guess.
*Elsewhere*
Aeris: Do you think you can beat Zalbag?
Sephiroth: Of course.
Tifa: Do you think you can not kill him?
Sephiroth: *shrugs* I'll try.
Ramza: This tournament is fun.
Algus: Shut the hell up, Ramza.
Ramza: Screw you, Algus. *slaps Algus upside the head*
Algus: Ow.
Ramza: Don't make me take you outside and beat you like a redheaded stepchild.
Mustadio: Hey, where did Vegeta go, anyway?
*At the Villa Cloud*
Vegeta: Dammit! I've got to train harder! I'm so pissed!
Yuffie: Do you like, want to play Ehrgeiz with me?
Vegeta: No! Dammit! *takes off his shirt and starts training*
Yuffie: ...on second thought, I think I'll watch. You're pretty hot.
Vegeta: Bah. Idiot girl. *continues training*

Chapter 22: The Heat of Battle

*At the Gold Saucer*
Dio: And the first match of the Third Round, the Semifinals... is Cloud Strife vs. Edward and
Jigglypuff! Let's get it on!
Edward: *gulp* Uh, hey, boss.
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Cloud: Let's get this over with, peon. Do you really want to fight me?
Edward: Well... uh... ummm...
Cloud: Well?
Edward: I'd like to see how well I can do...
Cloud: If you somehow managed to beat me, which is impossible, how do you think you'd fare against Sephiroth in the finals, hmm?
Edward: Well, uhhh... me and Jigglypuff would try our best.
Cloud: That's the best answer you've got? Do you really want to do this?
Edward: Uhh... yes, I think I do.
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Cloud: *brushes his hair out of his eyes and draws the Ultima Weapon* Then let's go.
Edward: Jigglypuff! I choose you! Sing!
Jigglypuff: Jigaaaaaalllly-pufff, jiggggalllly-galllllyyyyy-pufff...
*Everyone but Edward, Jigglypuff, and Cloud go to sleep*
Jigglypuff: Jiggly?
Edward: He's unaffected!
Cloud: Enough of this! *runs up and kicks Jigglypuff in the face, sending it flying into the wall*
Edward: Jigglypuff!
Audience: *wakes up* Huuuuuhhhhh?
Cloud: Hyah! *punches Edward several times*
Edward: Arrrrrrggggghhhh! GET OFF ME!!! *tosses Cloud back*
Jigglypuff: *getting up* Jiggly!
Edward: *begins glowing* Arrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhh!!!!
Cloud: What the hell's he doing? -WAIT! I remember this! He can't be...
Edward: Arrrrgggghhhh!! *transforms into a purple winged creature* I AM... DEVIL EDWARD!!!! BWA HA HA HA HA!!!
Cloud: Holy crap. Who knew he had it in him?
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Edward: DIE, PEON!!! *flys at Cloud and knocks him down*
Cloud: That's my line, peon!
Edward: Eye beam! *blasts at Cloud with an eye beam*
Cloud: *dodges* Damn! He's really turning it up! But I'm getting pissed now! *flames shoot up around him* OMNISLASH!!!
Edward: Huh?
Cloud: YAAAHHHH!!! *Omnislashes Edward*
Edward: ARRRRGGGGHHHH! *falls over and turns to normal*
Dio: Is he down for the count?
Jigglypuff: *looks at Edward* Jiggly...
Dio: Then the winner is Cloud Strife!
Cloud: *twirls his sword and replaces it on his back, then walks over to Edward* Good job, Edward.
Edward: Mmmmmm...
Cloud: Here... *reaches his hand down*
Edward: *takes Cloud's hand* ...thanks...
Cloud: *helps Edward up* You did well. Remind me to give you a big bonus.
Edward: You don't pay me.
Cloud: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Edward: But how come you didn't fall asleep?
Cloud: Earplugs.
Edward: D'oh!
Dio: What an amazing show of sportsmanship from Cloud Strife! And our next battle is... Zalbag Beoulve vs. Sephiroth!
Zalbag: Don't think I'll go easy on you! *draws his sword*
Sephiroth: I don't expect anything from you. But I'll be disappointed in myself if I lose to you.
Zalbag: Then prepare for a world of disappointment.
Sephiroth: I don't have time to waste on you. *draws the Masamune*
Zalbag: Fire 3!!! *casts Fire 3 at Sephiroth*
Sephiroth: *dodges* So you want to play it that way, huh? Ultima!!!!
*Rocks start flying up around the Battle Arena*
Dio: It's Armaggedon!
Mukki: Hold me, bubby!
Zalbag: Hmm... you know powerful magic. Taste my blade! *rushes at Sephiroth*
Sephiroth: *dodges, and kicks Zalbag in the back* Don't try such tricks with me.
*The Arena starts rumbling*
Voice: I have arrived...
Zalbag: What the hell?
Sephiroth: Not him again.
*A figure in a red cloak descends*
Gilgamesh: ZANTETSUKEN!!!! *tries to Zantetsuken Zalbag, then vanishes*
Zalbag: I seem to be unharmed...
Sephiroth: No kidding.
*It starts raining*
Zalbag: Rain? Indoors?
Sephiroth: Him too?
Odin: *rides through, completely ignoring Sephiroth, Zalbag, or anyone else* Come back here, you fraud! Your ass is mine!!! *rides off*
Dio: ...well, uhh... that was an interesting diversion...
Sephiroth: I grow tired of this. Meteorain!!! *drops several meteors in Zalbag's direction*
Zalbag: Argh! *jumps up and cleaves one in half, then dodges the other two*
Sephiroth: Pale Horse! *casts Pale Horse on Zalbag*
Zalbag: Gahhh... so tired... you got me...
Sephiroth: *kicks Zalbag in the head, then powerbombs him into the ground* I believe I win.
Dio: And Sephiroth is the winner! After a short intermission, we will have a three-event match between Sephiroth and Cloud!
Dan: Yay!!!
Agahnim: Go, boss!
Bandiger: Bandiger SPIN!!! *spins around* Mmmm... I'm dizzy. Hee hee! *falls over*
Ramza: I'm going to get some snacks at the concession stand.
Algus: Get me some Junior Mints.
Ramza: Oka- hey! Shut the hell up, Algus!
Algus: You shut up, rich boy!
Ramza: Make me!
Algus: I will!
Elmdor: Shut the hell up, Algus.
Algus: Yessir.
*Meanwhile, in Shinra Mansion*
Hojo: Dammit! This sucks! I know there's some secret way out of here... if I can just remember what it is... AHA!!! I found it!!! *gets out of the tank* Now that lousy bastard Zack is gonna pay! I'll conduct a few more experiments on him! He'll be more messed up than Sephiroth and Vincent combined when I'm through! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha *cough, cough, cough* ...damn illnesses...
*Back at the Gold Saucer*
Zack: I should probably get back to check on Hojo. I hope Cloud and Sephiroth get done quickly.
Malak: Why do you hate that guy so much?
Zack: Because he stabbed me. And Tifa. And Cloud.
Malak: Hojo stabbed you?
Zack: Oh, no. I thought you meant Sephiroth. I hate Hojo because he's responsible for making Sephiroth such a freak, and because he experimented on me and Cloud. I hate him more than anything.
Rafa: You have a lot of hate in your heart.
Zack: Have you ever been experimented on?
Rafa: No...
Zack: Maybe if you are you'll understand why I hate him so much.
Malak: That bastard Barinten treated us like crap though. I was glad when Elmdor threw him off the roof.
Dan: Sagat killed my father! Yatte ze... OYAJI!!!!
Tellah: And Edward killed my daughter. You spoony bard!
Edward: Shut up, old man.
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Dio: Excuse me, everyone... now it's time for the fourth and final round!!!
Audience: Yay!!!
Dio: This round will be a bit different than the others. Cloud and Sephiroth will compete in three events. Whoever wins two or more events wins the battle. Sephiroth has bet the Highwind and the True Cloud Alpha mech. Cloud has bet... himself?
Mukki: Oh my, bubby! I think I'll enter!
Algus: What if they each win one event and the last event is a tie?
Dio: Then they'll... shut the hell up, Algus!
Ramza: *slaps Algus in the head* Chicken-wuss.
Algus: Ow!
Elmdor: Shut the hell up, Algus.
Dio: And now... Round four... let's get it on! The first event will be decided by me, and it is... CHOCOBO RACING!!!
Cloud: What the hell?
Sephiroth: What kind of game is this, you imbecile?
Dio: You two can't back out! We have a contract!
Sephiroth: You'll pay for this, Dio.
Cloud: Yes you will.
Dio: And now, to the Chocobo Tracks!

Chapter 23: Long Time Coming

*At the Gold Saucer Chocobo Tracks*
Mustadio: I'm back with the popcorn, Ramza.
Ramza: Geez, it took you FOREVER.
Mustadio: It's still intermission, isn't it?
Ramza: Yeah, and I don't think it'll ever end.
Dio: And now... Cloud and Sephiroth will be racing Chocobos in round one of the three round finale!
Joe: I wanna enter.
Dio: It's supposed be between them.
Joe: Teioh is the best chocobo there is. Let me enter.
Dio: It's against the rules.
Joe: Break them.
Dio: ...okay. And now, a last minute entry: The reigning champion Joe will be riding his trusty chocobo Teioh in the race!
Sephiroth: What?!
Cloud: That's outrageous, peon! Where do you get off telling me who my opponents will be?
Dio: Live with it.
Cloud: Dio... I'm going to kill you.
Dio: ...
Aeris: It's unquestionably dramatic!
Dio: And now... let the races begin!
Ramza: Finally! It seems like it's been months since the race was even announced!
Mustadio: No kidding.
Algus: Can I have some popcorn?
Ramza: Shut the hell up, Algus.
Mustadio: That's been a long time coming.
Dio: On your marks... get set... GO!!!
*Cloud, Sephiroth, and Joe begin the races. Joe takes an early lead*
Cloud: Dammit! I'm not gonna let that peon ruin my plans! Fire 3! *tosses a fireball at Teioh and Joe*
Joe: That's cheating! Oh, yeah! Suck on this! *tosses some tacks down*
Cloud: *bounces as his chocobo leaps over them* Next time try AIMING, peon!
Sephiroth: *falls over and his chocobo steps on the tacks* Damn you cheaters!
Cloud: Ha ha ha!!!
Joe: Ha ha ha!!!
Sephiroth: You think that's funny? WALL!!! *casts a wall in front of Joe and Teioh, causing them to hit it and stop rather suddenly*
Joe: Argh! I'll get you for that!
Sephiroth: Do it to it, moron.
Joe: *gets back on Teioh* Grrrrr...
Cloud: Ha ha! Now I'm in the lead! Thanks, peons!
Sephiroth: *gets back on his chocobo* That's what you think. Ice 3!!! *encases Cloud and his chocobo in ice*
Cloud: This is no time to get cold feet! Magikarp! *brings Magikarp out of its Pokéball* Melt the ice with your... umm... Splash attack?
Magikarp: Carp carp! *splashes around*
Cloud: Forget it. Return. *calls it back* Fire 3! *casts Fire 3 on the ice, melting it*
Dio: And it seems this has turned into a bizarre magic-fighting-cheating contest.
Mukki: Shouldn't we disqualify them, bubby?
Dio: Nah. As long as it's all in good fun.
Sephiroth: *rides by Cloud and gains on Joe and Teioh* You can run, Joe, but you can't hide!
Joe: That's why I've got these! *points to some spurs on his boots as Sephiroth catches up* For emergencies like this! *kicks Sephiroth's chocobo*
Chocobo: Wark!
Joe: Mwa ha ha!
Sephiroth: Take this! *hits Joe in the head with the hilt of his sword, knocking him off of Teioh*
Teioh: Kweh? *stops in the middle of the track*
Cloud: *rides by and leaps over Joe* Loser.
Joe: I'll get you two!
Cloud: *from up ahead* Don't sing it, bring it! ...and now to catch up to Sephiroth. *pulls something out of his pocket* This is for you, little buddy! *feeds the object, a chili pepper, to his chocobo*
Chocobo: Wark...? WARK!!!! *takes off at an amazing speed, passing Sephiroth*
Sephiroth: What the heck?! C'mon, chocobo! Giddyap!
Cloud: Ha ha ha! I am the master! I have the finish line in my sights!
Sephiroth: C'mon, giddyap! I'm catching up! *rides up by Cloud* You aren't beating me!
Cloud: Face it, you washed-up SOLDIER, I'm the best now! You're a has-been!
Sephiroth: And you're a never-was, you wannabe Shinra mental case!
*they both cross the finish line at the same time*
Dio: And it seems this is a photo finish!
Mukki: The suspense is killing me, bubby!
Dio: And I'm getting word from the judges... it seems Sephiroth's chocobo won by a nose! Sephiroth is the winner!
Cloud: Dammit! I hate you, Dio!
Dio: Don't blame me, blame yourself or God.
Cloud: After this tournament is over... you're mine.
Dio: Eek!
Mukki: Time to change your address, bubby.
Dio: Uhhh... anyway, the next event will be chosen by Cloud. Cloud, what do you choose?
Cloud: Heh. I choose...
Dio: Yes...
Seifer: ...
Ramza: ...
Aeris: ...
Rubicant: ...
Big Joe: ...
Crono: ...
Rudy: ...
Serge: ...
Rafa: ...
Dio: The suspense is killing us! Tell us all damn ready!
Cloud: I choose Ehrgeiz, Dio.
Audience: *gasp!*
Dio: But... your suckiness at Ehrgeiz is legendary...
Cloud: Well, it's time to see the new and improved Cloud. Mwa ha ha ha ha!!!
Dio: And Cloud his made his decision! The next round will decided by a one-round game of Ehrgeiz! Bring in the arcade machine!
*two workers wheel in an arcade machine*
Vicks: Man, this is heavy.
Wedge: Yep, sure is.
*they set it up and walk off. Suddenly, a shot rings out, and both fall dead*
Ramza: Oh my God, you killed Vicks and Wedge!
Elmdor: You bastard!
Mustadio: Ummm... sorry, I was just cleaning my gun, and it went off... my bad.
Algus: Heh heh heh!
Mustadio: Shut the hell up, Algus.
Dio: Uhh, anyway, let the games begin! And somebody get these bodies out of here...
*the two competitors grab their controllers and start up Ehrgeiz. Cloud, predictably, chooses Cloud, and Sephiroth, predictably, chooses Sephiroth*
Cloud: You're going down, Seph. My cheapness in this game is legendary!
Sephiroth: Correction. Your character is cheap, you are just sucky.
Cloud: We'll see, Sephiroth, we'll see... *pulls off a 4-hit combo* Boo ya!
Sephiroth: Not bad. You have improved. But I'm afraid it's far too little, and far too late. *pulls a reversal, kicks (the onscreen) Cloud in the head, and stabs him with his sword*
Cloud: *frantically tapping* Now it's time to use my secret weapon! *draws his (onscreen) sword*
Sephiroth: *draws his all the way out as well* Bring it.
Cloud: Meteorain! *does the Meteorain*
Sephiroth: Argh! Cheap! I should have expected as much.
Cloud: That's not all! *runs at Sephiroth*
Sephiroth: *kicks Cloud down and jumps to a higher level* Heh. Check this out. *does his taunt*
Cloud: Taunting me? You peon. *draws his sword* Why don't you come down here and face me?
Sephiroth: I'd be glad to. *jumps down and draws his sword*
Cloud: This is it! Ready?
Sephiroth: Bring it on.
Cloud: *runs at Sephiroth and jumps into the air* Hiya!
Sephiroth: *draws out his sword* C'mon, c'mon...
Cloud: *lands behind Sephiroth, and hacks him in the back with the sword, dropping him* Ha ha ha ha!!!
Sephiroth: A back attack. I should have expected as much.
Cloud: What can I say? I learned from the best. No one stabs people in the back better than you. But at least I didn't wait until you were praying.
Sephiroth: ...bastard.
Dio: And the winner is... Cloud Strife!
Cloud: Damn straight, Dio.
Dio: And now for the third and final round, what contest do you choose, Sephiroth?
Cloud: Yes, Sephiroth. What contest do you propose?
Sephiroth: Simple. I want a fight.
Audience: *gasp!*
Dio: So be it.
Cloud: Heh heh heh.
Dio: And, after a short intermission, we will have the final battle between Cloud and Sephiroth!
Ramza: Not another intermission! Hopefully this one won't take forever!
Mustadio: It's unquestionably a finalé!

Chapter 24: The Sorrowful Battle

*The Gold Saucer, Battle Arena*
Dio: *into the mic* Are you ready?
Crowd: YEAH!
Dio: I said... ARE YOU READY?
Crowd: YEEEEEAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Dio: THEN LET'S GET READY TO RUUUUUMMMMMBBBLE!!!
Crowd: YEEEEEEEHAAAWWWWW!!!
Ramza: Must be a lot of rednecks in the crowd.
Algus: At least the damn intermission is over.
Mustadio: Shut the hell up, Algus.
Algus: *sigh*
Dio: In this corner, 21 years old, height 5'7", bloodtype AB, and single, but in a committed relationship...
Aeris: Grrrrr...
Tifa: Grrrrrr...
Rafa: Damn straight.
Dio: ...Former SOLDIER... Cloud Strife!
Crowd: YEEEEAAAAHHHHH!!! *cheers*
Dio: And in the other corner, with information which he chooses not to release... Sephiroth!
Crowd: YEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! *cheers*
Bandiger: Oh, poo. I was hoping he'd say whether he's gay or straight. Or available.
Zell: He has got to be gay! Look at that get-up!
Seifer: That's not what your mom said, chickenwuss.
Zell: DAMMIT, Seifer! Stop talking about my mom! And don't call me that!
Raijin: He's just blowin' off steam 'cause she beat him at Triple Triad, ya know?
Fujin: SILENCE. *kicks Raijin*
Raijin: Ow, that hurt, ya know?
Dio: And now, ring the bell! *gets out of the ring*
Cloud: *draws Ultima Weapon* I've been waiting for this a long time... I'm gonna pay you back for messing with my mind, for burning my hometown, for killing my mom, and most of all, for not casting Revive on me when that dragon killed me!
Sephiroth: *draws the Masamune* I've had it up to here with your smart mouth. I've been trying to help you ever since you were shot with that damn ray, and this how you repay me, by trying to kill me? Man, this good guy crap is for the birds. I'm gonna stop you one way or another, and if that means sending you to hell, then so be it. *gets into a battle stance*
Dio: They seem to be engaging in a war of words first... must be a pre-fight warm-up...
Cloud: Oh, you want to fight me now? Don't you want to stab me in the back while I'm praying? That seems more your style, right?
Sephiroth: The time for talk has ended. The time for battle has arrived.
Dio: Sephiroth's got one thing on his mind...
Random fangirl: He's sooooooo bishounen! ^_^;
Dio: Uh, no, not that...
Mukki: But he is sooooo bishounen! ^_^;
Dio: Uh... yeah...
Cloud: Let's get it on! *runs at Sephiroth and swings his sword*
Sephiroth: *dodges easily* You're going to have to do better than that. I've trained quite extensively since last we fought.
Cloud: Yeah, me too. I've learned quite a few new techniques, like...
Crowd: ...
Cloud: The Cloudheart! *tries to use the Cloudheart on Sephiroth*
Crowd: *GASP!*
Sephiroth: *blocks every shot* Like I said, I've been training. And now it's your turn to take some abuse! *swings at Cloud, who dodges, then elbows him in the stomach and kicks him in the head*
Cloud: *rubbing blood of his lip* Not bad... not bad at all... maybe I underestimated you...
Sephiroth: Damn straight you did.
Cloud: Heh. It won't happen again. *tosses dirt at Sephiroth*
Sephiroth: Argh! My eyes... I can't see... you cheap bastard...
Cloud: Ha ha! *runs up and kicks Sephiroth in the face, then punches him in the stomach, then gives him a right cross*
Sephiroth: *stumbles back, then pushes Cloud away* Cheater. *rubs his eyes a bit, and tries to regain his focus* Now it's time to get busy.
Cloud: Bring it.
Sephiroth: Gladly. *runs at Cloud, and swings his sword, coming back with the hilt of it to hit Cloud in the temple as Cloud ducks under it, then knees Cloud in stomach, kicks his sword out of his hand, and does a roundhouse, knocking Cloud to the ground*
Cloud: Gah! *tries to block a flurry of punches*
Sephiroth: And now it's time to end this! *raises his sword*
Aeris: No!
Tifa: He's gonna kill him!
*Suddenly, the Golden Saucer begins to shake*
Sephiroth: *stumbles backward* What the heck...?
Cloud: *getting up and picking up his sword* That was close... but what's going on?
*Voices come over the loudspeaker*
Loudspeaker: Elena: This is the Turks. The Gold Saucer is under attack by the Weapons. Please evacuate immediately! Reno: Hey, I wanna watch the fight! That's what I paid for! Rude: You didn't pay. We snuck in, remember? Reno: Oh yeah. Tseng: Will you guys shut up?
Dio: You heard them, everyone... evacuate now.
Cloud: I'm not leaving... not without settling this...
Sephiroth: I agree with you. I'll fight to the bitter end.
Cloud: Sephiroth... to the settling of everything... *points his sword at Sephiroth and dashes toward him*
*Outside*
Aeris: What is going on?
Tifa: An attack by the Weapons...
Ruby Weapon: ALL YOUR GOLD SAUCER ARE BELONG TO US!
Emerald Weapon: WE'Z BE ROWDY-ROWDY, DAWGZ!
Ruby: And we're gonna tear this mother up!
Emerald: Yeah! WUZZZAPPP!!!
Voice: Not if we have anything to say about it.
Ruby: Who are you?
Voice: We are...
Rufus: RUFUS!
Heidegger: HEIDEGGER! GYA HA HA!!!
Scarlet: SCARLET! KYA HA HA!!!
Reeve: REEVE, Y'ALL!
Palmer: PALMER, TRA LA LA!!!
Rufus: And we are...
All: TEAM SHINRA!!!
Rufus: Proud Clod v.2.0 formation, let's go! It's morphin' time!
*Various parts connect with the Proud Clod - a Shinra sub, the Gelnika 2, parts of Carry Armor, and the Sister Ray*
Rufus: We love this land, and all the wonderful rich mako in it, and we'll fight to protect it!
Reeve: Everyone of us!
Proud Clod: *poses*
Palmer: Tra la la! This is so cool!
*In the crowd*
Selphie: BOOM BOOM! Yeah!
*On the battlefield*
Ruby: You want to take us on? Fine, then. Bring it.
Emerald: Yeah, you know what I'm saying?
Rufus: Gladly! But first... *two rather large speakers appear next to the Proud Clod's head*
Ruby: What the...?
Rufus: Some mood music! *country music starts playing* Dammit, Reeve! Change the CD!
Reeve: Sorry. *puts in a different CD, and Rhythm Emotion starts playing*
Ruby: ...
Emerald: ...
*In the crowd*
Ramza: This is SUCH a blatant rip-off.
Mustadio: At least he isn't trying to crash a battleship into the earth.
Elmdor: Or a meteor.
*On the battlefield*
Rufus: Anyone who stands on the battlefield with the intention of fighting me is my enemy. *charges at the Ruby Weapon*
Ruby: *dodges blows* You seem to be... faster than last time...
Rufus: You're damn right! I hate losing!
Emerald: I'll help you out, Ruby!
Voice: Not so fast.
Emerald: That voice... I hear him... calling me... he's laughing...
Edward: No I'm not.
Emerald: Those eyes... that hair... it's you... I hate you!
Edward: Jigglypuff, I choose you!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Emerald: Jigglypuff... I'm going to kill you...
Edward: Pay no attention to this scrub, Jigglypuff! We can take him!
Jigglypuff: JIGGLY!
Emerald: COME GET ME! *punches at Jigglypuff, who dodges, and he instead takes out a large chunk of the ground* Dammit! You're quick, but I'll get you yet!
Edward: I think not! *dives down, stabbing a sword in the back of the Emerald Weapon's neck*
Emerald: Ow! How'd you get up there? *tosses Edward into a nearby mountain*
Edward: Ow!
Jigglypuff: PUFF! *puffs up like a balloon*
Emerald: Yeah, you little fluffpuff... and you're next!
Jigglypuff: JIGGLY!!! *runs at Emerald Weapon and uses Doubleslap, repeatedly slapping the Emerald Weapon*
Emerald: Gah! Stop it!
Edward: *coming to* That's it... get 'im, Jigglypuff!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! *salutes, then continues r0xx0r1ng the Emerald Weapon*
*Meanwhile...*
Ruby: You can't beat me, you Shinra scum!
Rufus: I think we are.
Ruby: I'll get you! *dashes at the Proud Clod*
Rufus: And now... take THIS! *jabs a beam saber through the Ruby Weapon's stomach*
Ruby: Ahhhh... you... got me... it was nice fighting with you... one last time... *falls over, dead*
Rufus: I didn't really think we'd... win...
Heidegger: ...
Scarlet: ...
Reeve: ...
Palmer: ...
Rufus: YAHOO!!! Alright! We did it!
*the Ruby Weapon explodes, for no obvious reason*
*Elsewhere*
Emerald: Can it be... I'm losing, to these losers?
Edward: As you can plainly see, doughboy, the more powerful our opponent is, then the stronger we become. So, c'mon, big fella... give it a try!
Emerald: *opens up his arm cannons* I'll get you!
Edward: Crap! You can't fire those off here! You'll hit innocent people!
Emerald: I don't care! Bwa ha ha ha!
Rufus: Proud Clod... who is my enemy? ... I see... the Emerald Weapon is my enemy...
Edward: I'll stop you, then... *runs at the Emerald Weapon and slices at his feet*
Emerald: *kicks Edward away* A noble effort, but not enough to stop me! *begins powering up his cannons*
Edward: Jigglypuff... go... *passes out*
Jigglypuff: Jiggly! *begins slapping the Emerald Weapon*
Emerald: Out of my face! *slaps Jigglypuff away* Ha ha ha! Now it's time to die! *begins drawing energy for his cannons*
Rufus: You forgot something...
Emerald: What?
Rufus: Me. *fires a blast from the Sister Ray, which annihilates the Emerald Weapon, who falls into the ocean with a splash and sinks* Mission... complete.
Voice: NOT QUITE!
Rufus: Who's that?
Voice: It is I... the Ultimate Weapon! *flies in and lands*
Rufus: But... the Proud Clod is almost out of energy, and the Mako cannon will take too long to charge...
Ultimate: Too bad for you. *slaps the Proud Clod away*
Rufus: Looks like Team Shinra's blasting off agaaaaaaaaaain!!!
Edward: *waking up* Huh...? My god! Jigglypuff and I can't fight that thing!
Jigglypuff: Jigggallly... *passes out*
Edward: And Jigglypuff's drained. *picks Jigglypuff up*
Voice: KUSO!!!
*Vegeta comes flying from Costa del Sol*
Ultimate: Who do you think you are?
Vegeta: I'm Vegeta, Prince of the Saiya-jin... and I'm your worst nightmare.
Ultimate: Riiiiight. Let's go, junior.
*Elsewhere, in the basement of Shinra Mansion in Nibelheim*
Hojo: I'll fix Zack good! I'll set up a trap for him and conduct more experiments on him! He'll be worse off than Vincent when I'm through! Now, I just have to fix this tank so it closes when he checks it... *crawls into the tank... and the door slams shut* Oh, damn. *checks the door, which is locked* Aw, crap...
*On the battlefield*
Vegeta: My pleasure. *goes Super Saiya-jin and powers up*
Ultimate: *begins swinging at Vegeta, who dodges his attacks* Dammit! Stay still!
Vegeta: I'm not moving that fast. You're just too slow. You aren't even in my league.
Ultimate: Dammit! *blasts around randomly*
Vegeta: Time to die! *kicks the Ultimate Weapon, who flies into a mountainside*
Ultimate: How could a human have this much power?
Vegeta: I told you... I'm a Saiya-jin! And now... it's time to be rid of you... *powers up*
Ultimate: Oh no!
Vegeta: Oh yes! *stretches out his arms* FINAL FLASH!!! *levels a good section of the mountain, and of course the Ultimate Weapon along with it*
Dio: The winner... uhhh, Vegeta!
Vegeta: As if there was any doubt.
*Suddenly, the Gold Saucer collapses*
Aeris: It just couldn't take all the fighting. Where are Cloud and Sephiroth?
*A lone figure emerges from the flames. As he walks into the smoke, it is Sephiroth. And he is carrying Cloud's limp body*
Rafa: CLOUD!
Tifa: Oh, Cloud!
Aeris: Is... he dead?
Sephiroth: *checks his pulse* No. Just unconscious. But he'll live. He probably shouldn't participate in any strenous activity, though.
Barret: Let's blast 'im with the ray and turn 'im back to normal, then.
Cid: Hell yeah! *hops in Agahnim's mech and blasts Cloud with the reversed evil ray*
Cloud: *comes to as his goatee disappears and his uniform turns back to its usual blue color* What... happened...?
Aeris: Don't you remember?
Cloud: I remember... being zapped by that ray... and getting my memory back, and doing all this mean stuff, and then fighting you guys, and then fighting Sephiroth...
Tifa: We hit you with the ray again and turned you back to normal.
Barret: 'Couse, normal is relative for you, yo' spikey-headed foo'!
Cloud: Wow... I feel weird... like... I was a different person for a while.
Rafa: Cloud... what about... us?
Cloud: ...
Tifa: Stay away from him, you skank!
Aeris: Yeah! *draws her staff*
Edward: We want our leader back!
Jigglypuff: Jiggly!
Sephiroth: *draws the Masamune* You want him? Come get him.
Rafa: I'm not afraid of you! Sky Demon! *casts the Sky Demon spell, which Sephiroth simply blocks*
Sephiroth: Ha ha. You suck. But if you really want to fight, then I'll gladly fight you!
Malak: Come on, sis! This is dangerous!
Rafa: No! I'm not afraid of him! I'm not leaving without Cloud!
Edward: Geez, Rafa! Come on! We have to get out of here!
Sephiroth: It's your choice. Stay and die, or flee.
Rafa: *looks at Cloud* I'm leaving. But, Cloud... I'll be back.
Cloud: ...
Edward: Then let's go! *teleports the party - Agahnim, Dan, Kimberly, Krase, Vormav, Sego, Malak, Gogo, Tellah, Bandiger, Rafa, Worker 8, Umaro, Zack, Jigglypuff, and himself - back to Riovanes*
Sephiroth: Good riddance.
Ramza: It's just like a story, which has come to a conclusion.
Algus: That's beautiful, Ramza.
Ramza: Shut the hell up, Algus.
Aeris: And Cloud's back! *hugs Cloud*
Cloud: Gah!
Tifa: Get off him! *hugs Cloud*
Cloud: Gah!
Vegeta: And the Gold Saucer was destroyed again. I'll never get home at this rate. Kuso! *spits*
Mustadio: But what about all the loose ends...?
*Back at Riovanes*
Altima: Somebody let me out of this damn dungeon!